To review my spending on nieces and nephews for Christmas?

[xmasdilemmasalready]

I might be being unreasonable here, feel free to tell me if I am.

I have 5 nieces and nephews, all under 10. 3 of them also have birthdays in December. I am childless.

A few years ago my older siblings made a group chat and told me that we’d stop doing Christmas gifts for each other as they’d rather we put the money into the children.

That’s fine, I usually get a token from them at Christmas or my birthday because I do some childcare for them. I love to do it, and don’t expect anything from them for it.

But I’ve noticed that recently it’s been gifts for under a tenner for me, for birthdays and Christmas, and the expectation has grown for what I’ll spend on them. Across the month of December I can reasonably spend just over £300 on gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I know that only comes out to about £40 per child for each event but it’s starting to grate on me a little. This year for my birthday I got £3.50 worth of cosmetics from one family. I’d spent £80 on the December birthdays for their two children.

I have to admit it just feels a little deflating. Like they’ve decided the children deserve a lot more from me, but they don’t want to spend anything on me. I don’t begrudge getting them gifts, but I am starting to feel the pinch and looking ahead to budgeting for them is a bit much. I’d much rather spend a lot on my parents, and my partner and friends.

AIBU to cut it back this year? £20 each maximum for each child for each event? That would cut my spending down to £160 for them.

If they ask, just tell them. It’s the truth. Might teach them something, so better for them too.

Anything with a value attached would put the cat amongst the pigeons.

I love reading so I am wondering if maybe a carefully selected book and a book token for each of them would work, for Christmas at least.

So you do the same? Surely you have things to save for as well? £5 is enough if you got even less.

You have all gone fucking mad, collectively, with those crazy presents.
Christmas is not your shitting nieces or children's birthday, it is somebody else's birthday.

In our house we have a tree, a wonderful meal, Christmas cards to each other and from friends and relatives, and no gifts. Things are bought throughout the year, on a needs basis, as many, as needed, no problem, but no Christmas gifts. Dc got one gift each from godparents and grandparents, that is all, we as parents don't gift them anything.

I was exhausted in my younger years with this whole gift-thing, occasionally as a student, living on bread and jam only in November, to make sure I remembered every sodding relative, even if only with a £5 gift. There was no enjoyment in it at all, only pressure. So when I got married, I stopped it. We do do presents during the year to friends and relatives, on a needs only basis - like SIL's cooker was impossible to repair, so my DH and I bought and brought a fabulous new cooker for her, she was overjoyed. But only cards for Christmas.

I spend £20-25 per event per child and per adult, I have five nieces and nephews. I think £40 is not necessary, and sometimes I think £20-25 is not necessary, so YANBU.

We do adults despite someone suggesting just getting things for the kids because not everyone wanted to never buy an adult anything. For example I wanted to buy my mum something!

I have six - four nieces and two nephews.

For each I do £20 birthday and £20 xmas.

I don't receive anything for my birthday or xmas.

So stop it. Send a family whatsapp saying things are tight and the money you usually spend on their children isn't there anymore.

You are clearly being taken advantage of, so let their parents make up the difference. Situations like this are never appreciated by the receivers, only expected. I wouldn't think twice about informing them that going forward you will only be giving a token gift of 5 or 10 pounds on birthdays and opting out of Christmas entirely.

So you're scared to upset them but they don't give a crap about you?

Yeah, people do. Just because you don't doesn't mean others are the same.

The constant accusing people of using chatgpt is actually becoming more tedious that the chatgpt posts themelves.

I love my nieces and nephews. Having contact with them stop would break my heart.

I think absolutely fine. It's shit when people are not mindful of what they take.

I have 2 children and my cousin has one. We buy gifts for the kids as we do parties but I always spend more on their 1 child because it is fairer.

Some people are takers in life and some are givers.

Yanbu. 20 quid is a perfectly reasonable amount to spend on neices and nephews.

But why would contact stop if you decided you couldn't afford the gift giving anymore?

My SiL is childless and we aim to spend the same on her as she spends on our DC.

YANBU - £20 each is more than enough from an aunt, especially when you’re putting some thought into the individual presents. That amount will buy something each child will like. They, unlike their parents, are not yet linking the gifts to monetary value.
Start now when they’re young as there are many more years to come and you don’t want to put yourself in the position that bigger and bigger gifts are expected as they get older.

Because their parents are vindictive and see everything as a transaction.

As your nieces and nephews get older maybe don’t buy them Xmas presents, just birthdays instead as that would reduce your spending when you have to buy parents and friends presents too.

All the more reason to stop this madness. Keep your money to yourself. Just like they do.

Yes, this is what normal people like you do.

You said you do childcare for them. How much do you do?
Please don’t tell me that the £3.50 gift was from a family you do childcare for…

My DGF used to send me a £5 note for each birthday and Xmas and I absolutely loved this. I would love spending it on whatever I wanted - much better than a book token or a voucher - and I could add saved pocket money to it for things that were more expensive. The amount never changed, but I didn’t care - it was always a much anticipated gift that I still remember very fondly. I don’t know if he just didn’t know what to get me, or he couldn’t be bothered to buy a gift, but to me it was the best! I doubt that I ever really thanked him properly or let him know just how much I loved his gift because I was a kid, but I did the same for my niece and now my great niece and great nephews.

Op - perhaps think of this gift from your nieces’ and nephews’ perspectives, rather than their parents’ reaction/expectation to your gift. Hopefully they are old enough to be in charge of opening and looking after their own gifts now.

Blimey do your kids think Father Christmas hates them?

No gifts at all is definitely swinging too far in the opposite direction imo. Gift giving is a love language, it means you’ve thought about your loved one and want to give them something.

It’s about love, generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness. My happiness comes from seeing my DDs joy when she opens a gift.

Not to buy your children Christmas presents is really sad imo.