To review my spending on nieces and nephews for Christmas?

[xmasdilemmasalready]

I might be being unreasonable here, feel free to tell me if I am.

I have 5 nieces and nephews, all under 10. 3 of them also have birthdays in December. I am childless.

A few years ago my older siblings made a group chat and told me that we’d stop doing Christmas gifts for each other as they’d rather we put the money into the children.

That’s fine, I usually get a token from them at Christmas or my birthday because I do some childcare for them. I love to do it, and don’t expect anything from them for it.

But I’ve noticed that recently it’s been gifts for under a tenner for me, for birthdays and Christmas, and the expectation has grown for what I’ll spend on them. Across the month of December I can reasonably spend just over £300 on gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I know that only comes out to about £40 per child for each event but it’s starting to grate on me a little. This year for my birthday I got £3.50 worth of cosmetics from one family. I’d spent £80 on the December birthdays for their two children.

I have to admit it just feels a little deflating. Like they’ve decided the children deserve a lot more from me, but they don’t want to spend anything on me. I don’t begrudge getting them gifts, but I am starting to feel the pinch and looking ahead to budgeting for them is a bit much. I’d much rather spend a lot on my parents, and my partner and friends.

AIBU to cut it back this year? £20 each maximum for each child for each event? That would cut my spending down to £160 for them.

Yes that's plenty, most children these days have more than enough stuff, and often don't have to wait long for expensive presents.

You do childcare and one of them got you £3.50 cosmetics?

fucking hell!

you need to seriously rein back on this lot

if they ask, tell them that you’re being asked/expected to spend hundreds on their kids and you get gifts under a fiver back. Where’s the gratitude for the help you give them?

I think after the reasonable request for the airline vouchers got ignored and other vouchers were bought @xmasdilemmasalready i’d stop all gifts tbh.

send a card and a selection box or something

Stopping doing gifts for adults when you are the only one without kids is unfair. That means you spend on their kids each year but no one buys you anything.

could you point that out, see what they say?

I agree it’s not all about the money. It sounds like you don’t feel appreciated by them.

I would honestly respond to the group chat, "actually, I'm glad you're bringing this up, because I've wanted to make a suggestion for a while. We're all comfortable and have what we need, so I've decided that I personally won't be doing gifts anymore. Neither taking or giving. Please count me out of your Christmas shopping list and spend what you would have spent on me on your children instead. Looking forward to a nice Christmas with you all".

Most of us childfree women get this arrangement. Card and perhaps a token present on the child's birthday and family card and a selection box or biscuits at Christmas. And I bet you don't get a thank you card/letter/text either.

So why do you keep doing it? I truly don't get it. Maybe I'm just a super petty person, but I just never make an effort, or put my hand in my pocket, for people who never do the same for me. Kids or not, I think it's terrible to teach them that reciprocity doesn't matter.

I stopped several years ago. I decided no thanks, no present. But my kinder sister uses the token present/selection box method.

Actually sister's method is ruder as it's like I thought of you but couldn't be arsed!

I think everyone needs to cut back on spending on presents.

Some people waste too much time, money etc on buying presents for people that don’t need.

Some gifts can be thoughtless. I worked at a supermarket and I served a lady buying 50 of those tubs of chocolate such as Roses. She said that’s all her Christmas present shopping done in one transaction. I’m glad I wasn’t friends or relatives to her.

Then gift cards. People buying them either for shops (including online) for places you haven’t bought anything there before as not your style etc or don’t sell things you use.

to me it’s because the kids don’t have a say in it. They don’t have the financial means/understanding to go and get a gift, and they’re not going to understand why I’ve suddenly stopped buying presents all together

9 nibs and they get £10 per birthday and per Christmas. If I go up to see family, I get a thoughtful present from one set of parents, nothing from the other and the other lot always send Christmas presents.

I think I’d reduce to a token amount and yes, roll on them all being 18.

Just get that family a selection box.

I bet their expensive holiday didn’t stop them getting nice gifts for each other.

It’s you they treat like an inconvenience.

They’re young, better switch to selection boxes now.

£40 on a niece/nephew is extremely generous imo. Especially given the ages and the fact the some of the younger ones would probably be thrilled beyond belief with something like a bubble wand and a colouring book

I would probably say that I’m saving for an expensive trip next year so won’t be doing gifts and don’t get me anything either. But if you want to do gifts, £20 per child is more than enough.

They re being really rude. My friend with no children buys for my children. I always get her a nice present from us back to her of a similar value as it is so nice of her to buy for them and I want her to know she is appreciated.

My nephews and nieces and godkids get around £20-25. i stopped at 18. I don’t have kids but one sister doesn’t buy me anything while the other does. One of my adult nephews gets me a gift for xmas.

I spent a lot on them as small kids, football matches, trips out, shopping etc. Christmas was a token . I never received anything from Aunties and uncles growing up except one when i was a young teen then that stopped.

I totally understand the logic of just doing presents for the kids as a money saving exercise within a family, but I don’t think the same rule should really apply to a family member without children. Within my family the parents decided to stop buying for each other & just buy for the children and that made sense, but my sister doesn’t have any children so we absolutely still buy for her. For me the no presents for the adults is essentially the parents saying “I don’t need anything I’d rather that money went to the kids” and that’s fine but isn’t the decision someone without children is making. I would never let my sister sit and open nothing or open a token gesture £10 gift card or whatever when I know she has not only spent more than that but has also put a lot of thought into the gifts she chose for our children.

Please tell me you just copy & pasted that from chat gpt without reading it?

normal people don’t talk to or treat their family like that

When you disagree with someone you need to specify what exactly you disagree with. I have no idea how to respond to your comment, it has no point.

Then I think you need a conversation with your siblings.

Maybe just articulate that.

"I love buying gifts for the kids and I totally appreciate we are all feeling the pinch so don't expect gifts from you but as I don't have a significant other or kids to celebrate with, I feel quite lonely and "outside" with noone to spoil me so going forwards I'm going to be reducing my gift budget to put a little more back into my ownt birthday and xmas treat budget. I'll still be getting a little something for the kids but, as youve raised before, it's getting quite costly to do an exchange for the adults and so I think let's just save the money. I'm just letting you know so you aren't surprised at the next birthday or Xmas"

I would say £40 is far too much for an auntie to spend on a child.

They're taking the piss and £20 is still too much. £10 Amazon voucher per child.