To review my spending on nieces and nephews for Christmas?

[xmasdilemmasalready]

I might be being unreasonable here, feel free to tell me if I am.

I have 5 nieces and nephews, all under 10. 3 of them also have birthdays in December. I am childless.

A few years ago my older siblings made a group chat and told me that we’d stop doing Christmas gifts for each other as they’d rather we put the money into the children.

That’s fine, I usually get a token from them at Christmas or my birthday because I do some childcare for them. I love to do it, and don’t expect anything from them for it.

But I’ve noticed that recently it’s been gifts for under a tenner for me, for birthdays and Christmas, and the expectation has grown for what I’ll spend on them. Across the month of December I can reasonably spend just over £300 on gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I know that only comes out to about £40 per child for each event but it’s starting to grate on me a little. This year for my birthday I got £3.50 worth of cosmetics from one family. I’d spent £80 on the December birthdays for their two children.

I have to admit it just feels a little deflating. Like they’ve decided the children deserve a lot more from me, but they don’t want to spend anything on me. I don’t begrudge getting them gifts, but I am starting to feel the pinch and looking ahead to budgeting for them is a bit much. I’d much rather spend a lot on my parents, and my partner and friends.

AIBU to cut it back this year? £20 each maximum for each child for each event? That would cut my spending down to £160 for them.

I don’t get thank you notes now! I’m lucky to get a text!

As the children get older they are all likely be happy with a voucher which is entirely transparent as to it's value. A gift should only be what the gifter wants to give, not necessarily what the recipient thinks they should get just because they had more extravagant gifts in the past. If there is an imbalance making either the gifter or recipient uncomfortable, it's the gifter that can make the adjustment.

Just make sure the December birthday children are treated the same.

Fuck all by the sounds of it.

I think there is always going to be imbalance in families when it comes to gifts where everyone is not in the same boat.

I am childfree and single. Both my siblings are married with kids.

At Christmas I buy separate gifts for my siblings and my siblings in law, and then for each of my nephews/nieces. This costs several hundred pounds. I am very close to my nephews/nieces and have had a big role in their lives throughout their childhoods and teen years, and I love them to death - so I am generous with them - usually spend about £100 each. It's the same on their birthdays. (There is no expectation from either of my siblings that I will do this, though).

I get one gift in return from each sibling for my birthday and Christmas and it's never anywhere near the level of value I spend in return on them and their families. However, I would not expect the gifts to be 'equal' in any way - I earn considerably more than both siblings and don't have a family to support, so I have much more disposable income.

However, what does rankle for me is that neither of my siblings in law bother to get me a gift when I get them one, every year, and I am always thoughtful - it's never a token/something generic. One of my siblings in law has been with my sibling for nearly twenty years and has never once bought me a separate birthday or Christmas present in all that time - whereas I have always chosen them something for their birthday and Christmas I know they'll like. I don't get why they think that's ok, but it's not going to change, so I have accepted it is what it is.

As a single and/or childfree person, you're always going to be spending more and receiving less - it's part of the 'singles tax'. It's not going to stop me from being generous, though. I enjoy giving the people I love gifts and seeing their pleasure when they open them. I think if we start expecting absolute reciprocity, gift giving then turns into something transactional and that sours the whole experience.

That being said, if you can't afford it, then of course reduce how much you spend. You shouldn't be spending far beyond your means and it is not fair of your family to have expectations of extravagant gifts for their children.

And on the not getting a thanks from the kids - I would have a word with your siblings, OP - they need to understand how rude it is and should be bringing up their kids to show genuine gratitude when they receive a gift.

We did this years ago, agreed no presents from us or for us including our children. We stopped buying for everyone apart from token gifts for the children and cards for everyone. I think £20 is plenty for a child and very nice of you. Ignore their wish lists and put money in a card. They’re being very cheeky!

YANBU. I don’t have DC and spend about £200 a year on gifts for my niece and nephew. In 15 years I’ve only received a few cards and two gifts worth about £10. Roll on their 18th as that will be their last gifts.

When DB and I decided to start buying for kids only, he always made sure that my (only) DC got a little bit extra as he was aware that as he had 3 DC I’d be spending more on his DC. It was never overtly obvious to the kids, my DC sometimes got a present from their aunty & uncle and an extra something from their cousins and sometimes it was just an item that I knew DB had spent a bit more on.

He didn’t need to, but he was aware of the imbalance if he didn’t and it was appreciated.

Even 20 is a lot given the lack of reciprocity. Make sure everyone knows you are setting strict limits going forward. Don't over engage with them over it. You are entitled to set your own budget. They sound thoughtless.

We don’t buy to receive.

from experience saying just buying for the kids is because there is so many & it becomes expensive. Are they spending so little on you because they can’t afford it but still want to get you something?

It should never be about how much is spent but the thought behind it.

can you consider setting yourself up a savings account for a birthday fund so that next year you are saving a little towards december? Set your budget at the start of the year, or eve. Do a high interest fixed 1yr savings account in November and then you have the December money in one pot + a bit of interest

I could have written this myself! Now niece and nephew are in late 20s I don’t even get a Christmas card! I did it til they were 21 (at which point it was cash) never even got texts of acknowledgment.

They absolutely can afford to spend £25 on Christmas.

I have a lot of nieces and nephews nd now grand nieces and nephews. I’ve never in my life bought any of them presents and vice versa. Never even thought about doing so.

No thank you note = present not appreciated.

My children (ages 10 to 15) will either send a card, write an email or phone the person who sent them a gift. When they were pre-writing age then I wrote a thank you card or we made a video and sent it on WhatsApp.

It's unbelievably rude not to thank someone.

I think £10 to £15 is more than enough. A nice book, or a game, book voucher, something to make, paint by numbers kit etc...

Op can you just put money in a card , I know cash isn't what it was ,but I don't know a child who doesn't like money in a card ! Simple effective they feel grown up and they learn about money and saving and they can choose what they like !
Bring the costs right down as pp said 20 for one bday or Xmas 10 for the other

Also it’s not as if the gifts I get are ever thoughtful - cheap supermarket smellies despite me having eczema and sensitive skin, so I can’t use them. £20 for boots when I don’t really shop there. This year I asked for very specific airline vouchers as I was planning a trip and the specific route is only flown by one airline from our local airport. Both ignored it and got me different vouchers. It’s little things like that that annoy me n

This was my experience of being a niece and goddaughter. However, it became very much expected when my brother had kids. I suppose it reflects the commercialisation of everything and child centric attitudes of the modern age.

I stopped buying for niece and nephew when they reached 18. I was buying for them and my sister and I felt taken advantage of. Never spent a massive amount but they were spending far less on me and my sister never offered to drop out herself. One year my present from them got lost in the post supposedly. Funny thing is I like buying for people but when you get emailed an Amazon link and it's clear you are just seen as a cash cow, it's not very nice. Glad to have stopped.

Btw I had lots of cousins and aunts and uncles and I used to get a 5 or ten sometimes 20 and I loved it .

To be fair for the younger ones I think the responsibility lies with the parents, but even then it’s just a generic “thank you for x’s gift”, never any real thought behind the text

£3.50 is an insult, I spend more than this on children I don’t know for birthday parties! Definitely reduce spending, I’d be inclined to prioritise their birthdays and reduce Xmas gifts to £10 each.

I’d just start buying them a nice book each for their bday/ Christmas and not take any demands off a wish list.

Can still be a thoughtful present and that will shave the price of December down!

You can choose them carefully and write a message on first page/ date etc

A controversial idea children get so much at Christmas why not a token gift for the adults.

I think £20 per primary school aged child is fine. Out of interest, you said
the expectation has grown for what I’ll spend on them
What's created that impression? Stuff the parents have said?

There’s no thought in £3.50 cosmetics or a low value gift voucher (low value in comparison to what OP pays out).

Suggesting a special saving account is really missing the point, which is being taken for granted as a cash cow.

That’s exactly what I would do. And start this Christmas, and birthdays from January. It gets silly and then you get resentful when you’ve bought something decent and get a rubbish present back. Make it clear that you won’t buy for birthdays or Christmas for the adults, just the kids, and this Christmas it will be £10 per child, and from January £20 for birthdays until they are 18…then stop.