AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

[SillyPeachAnt]

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

So you put your life/health on the line to have his baby and all he can think about is how tight you are. And not only does he think about it but he actually tells you straight out that your fanny is sub par. Fucking hell. Personally I'd rather stick hot needles in my eyes than give the (obviously below standard) pleasure. Imagine if you'd made a similarly blunt and casual comment about his cock after he'd been through a traumatic operation. Bet that would be one hell of a different story.

yes, we cross-posted.

I think on balance I agree OP.

Not saying I would have handled it the way he did (and I am not a man anyway). But stepping back from my initial reaction to what he said, I wonder if he hasn't been open in a healthy way.

I am absolutely fuming on your behalf. Even if he didn’t say this in a callous way I think it’s beyond hurtful. I think that would be the last time having sex with him..I hope his dick falls off.

@SillyPeachAnt it is hurtful and insensitive. You could (more kindly than he) say something like “imagine how you’d feel if I’d said ‘your cock seems to have shrunk’ the first time we had sex after you’d had difficulties” and take it from there. In fact, he might be wrong anyway or maybe it has, or maybe he is just mis-remembering or you were extra aroused. Either way it’s thoughtless, I hope you can have the kind of conversation you want to have later …

Agree.

I wouldn’t be able to wait until the evening, I’d text before he gets home.

i hope you’re ok OP. Your body is a life giving fucking miracle, and I hope he understands how cruel and unnecessary his comment was. You deserve to feel cherished as you recover postpartum.

@SillyPeachAnt I get you dont want to go on sex strike or whatever is being suggested but you do need to address this head on

I would ask a lot of questions in a neutral tone to understand exactly what going on in his head:

why did you choose to tell me you think my vagina isnt as tight as pre- giving birth to your 3 childen?

How did you think that comment would make me feel when you said it?

What are you expecting me to do with your opinon about my vagina?

If you were me and had just had enjoyed a nice reconnection / closeness to with your partner and I said that to you- what would you think about me?

If i was to openly tell our friends that you said this to me while I was 4 m pp with your 3rd child what do you think they'd think of you?

After each question stay silent, dont fill the space.
also dont let him redirect or tangent it "why are you looking at me like that?" "I need to put X away" "i think you're projecting" "its not a big deal" ignore it all refocus on the question.

And proceed from there.
if he isnt back pedalling rapidly.amd apologising for his gross behaviour whatever you might think you have a massive DH (dickhead) problem on your hands....

I don’t disagree re timing for sure but can’t think of how or when it would be acceptable to hear. Mothers often acknowledge amongst themselves that things have changed after birth or menopause - surely it’s good to communicate with the other person directly involved too.

Agree with this!

it if wasn't said in a nasty way, as you have said, it’s really not something that I think is awful. Im sure many women are different after giving birth, sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently - I know I was, and of course my husband noticed.

Remember this is Mumsnet. They hate men and will go to extraordinary lengths to talk you into ending your marriage over the smallest thing. Don’t listen after picking your whole life apart they just move on to the next thread to see what damage they can do there. You know your husband. They don’t.

Yes it was insensitive. You know he wasn’t being cruel. It’s easy to have a sensible conversation about this with such an attentive and involved husband. He will no doubt be absolutely mortified at the way his comment made you feel.

Out of curiosity, would you choose his denial or an honest chat?

Op I read here on MN that some thoughts are inside thoughts. Not to be verbalized.

telling any woman at any time she is “not as tight as before” is extremely hurtful insensitive and really presents a problem she can’t easily resolve and maybe not resolve at all unless you are really a believer in kegels and pelvic floor physio. It’s absolutely something you don’t say. Everyone knows this.

talk with him tell him the comment hurt you and it’s circulating in your mind now. Then be quiet and see what he says about his words/ intentions.

Well yes, I have passed (yet) another human being out of my vagina, so like your attractiveness, the elasticity is somewhat waning.

Perhaps you would like to consider a penis enlargement dear? Now what's for tea? I couldn't possibly cook and risk us all going up in flames with my giant fanny flaps near the oven.

If you’ve got this OP, then I really don’t know why you’ve posted or what you want from this thread

@Calliopespa "I wonder if he hasn't been open in a healthy way."

Healthy for whom? Telling a woman postpartum that her fanny isn't tight after the first sex in months isn't helpful, kind or healthy. I would've thought in this day and age we'd know better. I don't think for one minute he was trying to have a mutually open and healthy conversation. He was simply thinking that sex wasn't as pleasurable for him as he'd like.

I have learned over the years Op that a lot of posters on here have really weak marriages. Not kicking a man to the kerb every time he makes a mistake isn't being a doormat, although plenty will try to make you feel it is; it is sometimes learning to master your anger so it doesn't come back to bite you as well.

People who hit out in anger are often very scared people.

I am not someone who has much time for adultery, but that isn't what is going on here. Far from being secretive, he has been open about the issue.

You could say that you felt hurt when he criticised your vagina and you're sure he wouldnt like it if you criticised his penis. Neither is ok. He needs it pointed out that it's the same thing.

Empathy for how she felt I guess.

I'm not sure why he would say that if he's not intending to be hurtful though, especially directly after sex. It's like telling a woman who's had breast reconstruction due to cancer that her breasts aren't as attractive, right after you've been fondling them. Sure, that might objectively be the case, but why the everloving fuck would you tell her that unless you wanted to hurt her?

If he cares about her pelvic floor health, there are ways of bringing that up and talking about it, and they aren't by casually telling your wife her vagina isn't as tight, directly after the first time having sex postpartum.

Some people need higher standards.

I understand that, but I would have had to tell him what his words had done to me - just when he was getting in the mood. That was your best moment. I would have said something like ‘I’m not sure how I feel about sex at the moment because what you said last night has really hurt me.’

Yes, he didn’t mean to hurt you, but it was a bloody stupid, thoughtless thing to say and he needs to learn not to do it again. Having sex with him again and saying nothing has to some extent weakened your point of view.

That's a terrible thing to say. Probably in man ' don't think just speaking ' way but I would be gutted and upset. It's actually something that really worries me as well, how much I may change once we have kids

I agree with the people who are saying they don't understand how he can't have realised this was a hurtful comment.

Did he Google “what is the worst thing you could say to a woman who has just given birth?”

Oh dear god 😂

assume this is satire lol