Niece being a spoilt madam

[Aprilmaymum]

I have five DB. Yes five and they are all lovely. . Eldest DB has one DD and she is the oldest of grand children for DF. She has always been the apple of his eyes being first born and she knows it. Never bothered me until recently when one of my DB who has been estranged from DF for last 5 months told me the real reason. My DF had told me it was over a loan he had given him. My DB has now told me it was due to his treatment of his children. Not ill treatment but his constant exclusion of his children over DN. I knew what he meant straight away as I have also had the same treatment with my DC. But as my children are all younger have just ignored it. For example if he had planned a visit DN would turn up and complety spoil their visit . If they arrange to go out DF has to ask DN if she wants to come to and of course she always says yes, then she will ruin there trip. . He will always buys her gifts leaving his children out. For Christmas all his GC received five pound each. She got new trainers and 25 pound voucher. She couldn’t wait to tell her cousins this. As I said mine are younger and so they didn’t really understand but his being a bit older they were upset. It isn’t the money side of it but the unfair treatment he feels that finally made him go no contact and the effect it was having on his children. Obviously there is more but I don’t want to owt myself.
my DB is right that this difffernt treatment has turned her into a spoilt madam and I am tempted to speak to my elder brother about this. We are mainly close as a family and I know one of my other brothers did mention to my DF a few years back about his favouritism but nothing changed.
Not sure what I am asking but should I speak to my DF or DB about this. The worry is my niece is starting to become unliked by her cousins and it will end up with a huge fall out.

This!! Her behaviour is showing you something @Aprilmaymum

This whole situation sounds gross, to be honest. Creepy. I think I'd be limiting time with your father. There's something off there. Even if he's not grooming her, if he's mentally 'there', he must see how manipulative your niece is being. There's something wrong with him if he allows that to happen.

I would not get involved.
Visit your df last minute without him knowing beforehand.
Invite the other cousins to events and exclude the niece.
Actions have consequences, if anything gets said just reply that niece will be welcome when she learns how to be kind.

Creepy AF tbh. Very incestuous and definitely grooming. Actually made me feel a sick in my mouth 🤢🤢

Why are you blaming your niece?

Your father and the brother (nieces father) are the ones to blame for not putting a stop to the unfair treatment of the rest of the grandchildren. Your niece has been raised like this for 17 years.

Your title should read ' My father has treated his grandchildren unfairly and unequally'

The damage has been done by your own dad and brother.

Does no part of you see how abnormal and concerning this is. No 17 year old does this, you’re so consumed with wanting to attack her and blame her, you can’t see how utterly concerning what you’re posting is,

"Spoilt madam". How sexist.

Your update with your description of the 17 year olds behaviour is very concerning and definitely raises alarm bells. Was this observed by another adult?

To be honest there is really nothing you can do about unequal treatment, whatever the reason, having a word with them would not help, and could make things a lot worse.
In my experience parents/ grandparents never acknowledge unequal treatment , no matter how outrageous.
All you can do is see them less and/or suck it up.

Did she make him a gf for the first time if you know what I mean? Because I know of this so much, eldest is spoilt the most of the gc. Same with mine, with sister, with friends, brother etc etc. They knew them first, minded them/ saw them most, bonded etc

She's old enough to know not to brag about better treatment-yes the adults are more are fault, for allowing her to get like this, but I don't know anyone this age who would show off how spoilt they are.
I'd say you're not meeting up until there is fair treatment, and she is corrected about any spoilt behaviour.

I’m thinking you are uncomfortable admitting to yourself that GF is behaving very badly.

GF seems to have ‘ special status’ with you too?

I thought this was going to be about OP's niece running a brothel.

As things turned out, the 17yos behaviour is worrying, whether or not she can be judged "responsible" for it, and I'd focus on finding a way to emphasise this to her dad since he's already said that he has witnessed some of the behaviour on a few occasions.

Your df is mostly to blame for the spoiling, but I’d lay a massive amount of responsibility on your db and his wife. wtf was he thinking allowing her to spoil trips for others? Why has he allowed this?

My children, who are over 20, smile that their grandfather still reaches for their hands as they wait together to cross a road. He knows how old they are, he just cares for them and that is what they have always seen. Some people are very quick to condemn simple affection.

That said, sadly some of the niece's behaviour does sound plain mean. Maybe she is jealous of the younger childrens' cuteness? I dont think 17 year olds are really aware of the consequences of what they do - certainly not thinking about future family relationships. Can you arrange for the cousins to meet without the grandfather there so they can make better relationships? Or maybe accept the age difference is too much and that she needs to be seen more as a near-adult and not be one of the kids to go on their trips.

It's not just the handholding (although it's very weird for a 17-year-old to be holding her grandpa's hand for any reason at all, frankly).

It's the fact that your father sounds obsessed with her, spends more money on her than the other grandkids and buys her teddies like she's a little girl, which he doesn't do for the other grandchildren who actually are little girls/boys.

You are very naive if you think this is normal and that this is all your niece being spoilt and not on your dad having a very, very weird dynamic with his 17-year-old grandchild.

Honestly, it's making my skin crawl and it's clear from this thread that numerous other posters had exactly the same reaction.

Also sounds creepy AF to me, and very much like grooming.

Yes she’s being mean to the little cousins but probably because she doesn’t properly understand the situation she’s been placed in. Even at 17 kids’s brains haven’t matured fully yet and if this has gone on since she was very little she knows no different.

The whole dynamic between DF, DN and the rest of the family seems very unhealthy. Why not just remove yourselves from it? Have days out with your other DB's and their families? Why do you put you kids through the unpleasantness and obvious favouritism your DF has for DN? Just don't meet up!
I'd just have days out/visits with your other family members and if she throws a strop,so be it!
Give bland excuses why you don't meet up anymore 'DN is a teenager now, she doesn't have much in common with my DC' or 'The DC play together nicely and enjoy each other's company'. You are never going to change the behaviour of DF and DN so change your response to it - just remove yourself from it!