Niece being a spoilt madam

[Aprilmaymum]

I have five DB. Yes five and they are all lovely. . Eldest DB has one DD and she is the oldest of grand children for DF. She has always been the apple of his eyes being first born and she knows it. Never bothered me until recently when one of my DB who has been estranged from DF for last 5 months told me the real reason. My DF had told me it was over a loan he had given him. My DB has now told me it was due to his treatment of his children. Not ill treatment but his constant exclusion of his children over DN. I knew what he meant straight away as I have also had the same treatment with my DC. But as my children are all younger have just ignored it. For example if he had planned a visit DN would turn up and complety spoil their visit . If they arrange to go out DF has to ask DN if she wants to come to and of course she always says yes, then she will ruin there trip. . He will always buys her gifts leaving his children out. For Christmas all his GC received five pound each. She got new trainers and 25 pound voucher. She couldn’t wait to tell her cousins this. As I said mine are younger and so they didn’t really understand but his being a bit older they were upset. It isn’t the money side of it but the unfair treatment he feels that finally made him go no contact and the effect it was having on his children. Obviously there is more but I don’t want to owt myself.
my DB is right that this difffernt treatment has turned her into a spoilt madam and I am tempted to speak to my elder brother about this. We are mainly close as a family and I know one of my other brothers did mention to my DF a few years back about his favouritism but nothing changed.
Not sure what I am asking but should I speak to my DF or DB about this. The worry is my niece is starting to become unliked by her cousins and it will end up with a huge fall out.

If you do raise it, make sure you do it in a way that emphasises that you want all the cousins to get on in the future and want to stop resentment, rather than referring to her being spoiled or ruining days out (unless there is any specific behaviour that you can easily discuss). And it isn't her fault- there aren't many teens who would turn down cash or treats from their grandad. I'd start of by asking what he thinks of your dad's differential treatment of her and what effect he thinks it will have on her relationship with her cousins in the future

Thank you for your response. I actually think he knows as he has commented to me in the past as to how his daughter is the apple of grandads eye and he most def knew when she has ruined events as he has been there on a couple. I totally agree I will have to be careful how I say it to him. Thanks

Strange how your title puts the blame on your niece when the fault clearly lies with your father. He's created this situation, and he's reaping what he's sown, i.e. alienating his other children and grandchildren. Unfortunately he's creating consequences for your niece as well, she's hardly going to turn down gifts and money form her grandfather, it's not up to her to ensure fairness.

Your father is the one who needs to change, but I very much doubt he will, you can try talking to him, but again I doubt it will do any good, he sounds like he is either completely oblivious to the hurt he is causing, or doesn't care, presumably your DB told him the reason he was with drawing from contact, and your father is giving out a different tale and doing nothing to actually reform his behaviour.

In my experience, when people have favourites, it doesn't matter how much you point out the unfairness, they don't change. You might be able to persuade him to appear to treat them equally in terms of money, but you won't make him stop having a favourite grandchild, and he will just tell her not to let the others know if he gives her more.

What do you hope to achieve by raising it?

I can’t really see what the niece has done, you say she “ruins” trips out but give no behaviour or examples of anything she has done so it seems it’s your father ruining trips out surely?
You have put so much focus on her despite so much of it being your father, even your title is pretty nasty about a child.

Strange to have the rather unpleasant title of the post focusing on your niece, rather than the old man who is showing quite alarming favoritism.
The girls' father also needs to bring up his daughter to be tactful and to not crow about her privilege.

Yabu to refer to her as a spoilt madam. Surely it’s natural for a child to talk about gifts she’s received? You expect her to have understanding and tact about something that apparently even her adult grandfather doesn't have.

This is your DF not your niece’s doing. Don’t put it all on her.

None of this is your niece's fault. She's a child. The problem here is your father for openly favouring one of his grandchildren. You can raise it with him but be aware that he's unlikely to change.

You all seem very dependent on your father. If I were you, I would examine why you allow him to have so much control and influence over you all. Foster good relations with your brothers and your niece, and see her for the child she is. Fathers can wield power in very unhealthy ways. Stop looking for his attention and validation.

Depends how old the niece is.
Yes, unlikely she'd turn down trainers or cash.
But lording it over her cousins/rubbing their faces in it, does make her a madam.

It isn't really a niece problem it's a father problem.

Niece is 17 so not a small child. She knows what she is doing to her cousins.

Why are you putting the blame on your niece rather than your father? He is the problem.

I imagine he built a different relationship with her, because she was the first one, and they spent one on one time together.

I have (had) no idea how much Mum gave all her GC for Christmas, or my MIL, I don’t see it as a measure of affection. No idea who gets more time or trips out. I find this kind of transactional view of relationships distasteful.

DN is 17 - be off to do her own thing soon enough.

She’s not doing anything to them. Your father is

Surely it’s your father you need to speak to not your brother? What’s he going to do?

Although I have to be honest- if he’s accepted losing a son who was upset about the unfair treatment rather than change his own behaviour, I don’t fancy your chances of changing anything

Quick example on what happens on outings. She will get DF to buy her what she knows one of the younger ones is looking at in shop. Even a teddy which then results in crying. She will refuse to walk the way everyone is going so everyone has to go another way. She will take things of her cousins just to hear them cry then say she did nothing to her Grandad . She will not let anyone other than her hold his hand. She will then insist they all go home early when she is bored. I am not blaming her as she has been allowed to continue this behaviour but I do consider she is a spoilt madam.

I think you are right

If shes ruining trips and visits then she is.

This is a bit scary. Are you sure this is a healthy connection, between your father and your niece?

She’s holding her grandad’s hand and making him buy her teddies at 17?!

To be perfectly honest, the whole dynamic sounds creepy as fuck to me. The problem here isn’t your niece or your brother, it’s your father. He’s the one you should be questioning about this, and pretty damn thoroughly in my opinion because this all sounds deeply unhealthy.

Quite. The additional details in the OP’s follow up post are… concerning.

um. None of that is normal op. I have massive alarm bells FOR your poor neice, not the other way round!

@Aprilmaymum - I would be very tempted to talk to your dad - tell him his blatant favouritism of his eldest grandchild is obvious to all his children, and that his other grandchildren will notice too. Ask him if he wants a relationship with only one grandchild or with all of them.

I am a granny, and I wouldn't dream of treating my grandchildren so differently - we love them all, and treat them equally.