DH wants to go no contact with his DM

[Chunkychips23]

My MIL has been a thorn in my side since I had my first child. I’ve posted threads before if you want to read how she’s been. She wasn’t pleasant to me at all.

DH has always stayed out of it. Chose to ignore it rather than address it, until recently. He started putting some boundaries in place, which of course she stomped on. She then meddled in a family dispute, blowing up the situation and causing estrangement from one of his older DC, which she lied about, whilst he spent the past year wondering what had happened.

DH has apologised profusely to me for allowing MIL to treat me the way she did and had a confrontation with her about it all. She denied it all and has refused to apologise. Not only to me, but also to him for her lying and meddling. He’s very angry. He felt like this was her opportunity to take accountability, but she refused. She’s been messaging us and calling like nothing happened.

DH said that he feels he’s spent his adult life being emotionally manipulated and guilted, often feeling responsible for her emotions. He felt like he betrayed me by allowing her to behave the way she did because he was always so scared to upset her. My disappointment was easier to deal with than her tears.

This has now got to the point where he wants to go no contact. I feel that this is a little extreme. She’s entitled, controlling and bitchy sure, but she does love her grandkids. And they love her. I feel like he’s not given her long enough to process what was said. She’s lived her life without being confronted and enabled, she’s not going to change overnight. I feel like he needs to give her more time to think and process. I just feel he’s trying to punish her rather than doing it to protect himself and his family “let’s see how she likes it when one of your children isn’t speaking to you” I get he’s angry that her actions have caused estrangement and he’s also angry at himself for not standing up to her with her mistreatment of me.

We’re disagreeing about it, as I think it’s extreme. He’s shocked that I’m not all for it after how she’s treated me. He feels I’m being unreasonable for saying it’s not the right approach. It would be a shame for my kids to not have a relationship with her either and they do love her, it would be punishing them too. Though we only see them once a month, they love to see her.

AIBU to think no contact is too extreme? Or should I just shut up and leave him to it?

YABU. It’s his mum, let him deal with it.

He has told you how he feels.
You should respect his decision.

You've voiced your opinion about her relationship with her grandchildren, etc., now you need to step back and let him make the final decision. She's his Mum and he needs to handle the situation.

My Dad is difficult and has caused trouble for us - I know what DH thinks, but ultimately, he lets me handle our relationship with my Dad.

Let him explore it. Support him. By doing this, he is trying to put you first. Maybe he could go very low contact at first and use the Grey Rock technique? It sounds like he has been scared and manipulated for years. Support him to explore it.

YABU. You have seen part of the relationship, he’s lived with this his entire life. Ultimately he knows her better, he knows the dynamic between them better, and he knows himself better. This is his choice, and you should just be supportive of whatever he chooses.

And it’s insane to keep exposing children to somebody your own husband can’t deal with, as though they will be magically be immune to all the issues that have been hard for you two as adults to deal with.

I think let him go NC, but spend the first months (however long) talking to him as though he might one day get back in touch for the DCs' sake. Going NC is more difficult than a person generally thinks, although it gets easier after a while and actually more difficult to get back in touch after an even longer while. Let him calm down, let the new reality set in, let some time for forgiveness and new boundaries be established - just let it all settle. There's no need to be reactionary about it.

It's really important that he knows he needs to distinguish between himself and his children. If your MIL has been decent to the children, perhaps your DH might trust you to be the person facilitating her relationship with the DC. He can spend some time thinking about how he can exist around his mother without allowing her to treat him the way she has so far. She will likely believe it if she's had a period of NC and knows he's serious.

It's tough, but ultimately your role in this is principally as his wife and your DCs' mother. You're free to detach yourself from your MIL entirely, as regards you as an individual. This gives you a lot of freedom.

Thank you.

I’m just worried he’s reacting rather than giving himself time to process. He literally called me a liar a few years ago when I told him some of the things his mother had said to me literally 24hrs postpartum. He didn’t believe her to be capable of being like that. So he’s come to a decision within a week of having that conversation with her.

Another reason is that she has actually worked hard to be and do better over the past 12 months. Her causing the estrangement happened a year ago and he only found out recently.

Of course I’ll support him whichever decision he makes and I’d never try and lead him down a path of my choosing.

Ask him how he feels about your DC seeing her.

It's your DH's choice. It's not an easy decision.

I'm NC with my dad. DS doesn't miss him as he wasn't a very involved grandparent. DH said he won't take DS to visit him as he doesn't trust him to not exhibit the same behaviour with DS as he did with me.

Often it can be an incident that seems relatively small to others that’s the last straw. Feelings that have been brewing for a long time suddenly come to the forefront and then all kinds of things that you haven’t said out loud (or even admitted to yourself) start coming out. So I don’t find it surprising that he’s quite suddenly wanting to go NC.

It may well change over time - a period of NC may let her know how seriously she needs to take his new boundaries?

As someone whose DH is NC with members of his family, please respect his decision. Let him process in the time it takes for him to do so while being NC if needs be, it might be the space he needs.

It’s really hard whatever the justification. You don’t just forget significant dates etc, it’ll always be there, so if he felt he needed to make contact at some stage , he will.

Good luck. X

If she is a horrible parent and MIL at some point she will be a horrible grandmother. Don't wait until she picks one of yours to harm.

Imo deciding to go NC with anyone is a huge decision and needs more thought than can take place in 7 days

You need to support your husband in NC.

but she does love her grandchildren

But you said she got involved in a situation with her grandchild, escalated it to the point of estrangement from your DH, and then lied about it. It doesn’t sound much like she cares about them.

That’s what I feel. I’ll fully support him if he wants to go NC, but I feel he’s reacting in anger and wanting to punish her to give her a taste of her own medicine. She’s spent his life getting what and doing what she wants, she’s not going to change overnight. He’s had the one conversation with her where he brought it all up. She won’t even have had chance to reflect yet. They’re a family who have always brushed things under the carpet and pretended it’s not happening. That’s a hard pattern of behaviour to change in a few days.

He asked my opinion and I said that it’s a bit extreme to do NC immediately without at least another conversation once she’s had time to digest.

I gave my opinion the once and haven’t voiced it since.

This all happened over a year ago and she has been trying to do and be better. She’s no longer horrible to me and has made a massive effort to repair, albeit she’s never acknowledged or apologised. To me, that shows she is capable of change, but it won’t happen instantly.

It is his decision at the end of the day. I just worry this will mentally destroy him.

OP, this is his choice to make. You've expressed a view, but now you need to back off and let him do whatever works for him.

As others have said, this is his decision to make, unless he asks for your thoughts on it I’d just keep them to yourself.

We have been in a similar position although slightly different in that PIL just are not capable of change, never have been, were given endless chances to change and didn’t take a single one of them, but around a year ago now my DH made the decision to go NC and we haven’t seen or spoken to them since. It has been such a relief for him and although at the time I did worry he might have regrets and struggle it has honestly been the best thing he has ever done for his mental health.

I have been EXACTLY where you are. It's actually a little weird reading a situation so close to mine.

I interfered so much when I was trying to keep things patched together. She was a good grandma, she didn't mean it, family was family, he'd regret it when she was gone etc etc. It was genuinely the worst thing I could have done.

If I could go back in time I would stay out of it. Let him rant, let him calm down, let him stick to his guns or not as the case may be. Support him in whatever he chose. That's what I should have done and that's what I'm telling you to do.

She is his mother, it's entirely up to him to decide how it should be. Frankly, I learned that people like my MIL are unlikely to ever change. We are fully NC now and it quite simply isn't my problem. I don't even know if she's still alive.

My husband has a great relationship with my mum, my kids have a great relationship with my family. Turns out, we weren't the problem!

For years he didn’t see/understand/support you and now when he does stand up it opened up a whole can of worms. It’s now about him and his relationship.
allow him to navigate this how he needs. It would appear that setting some boundaries and having his eyes opened to how he failed you as a husband due to his relationship with MIL he’s now navigating his way through a tricky time. Be there for him.
NC doesn’t have to be forever but at the moment it is what he is needing. In time he may establish a new relationship. The NC period allows everyone to review and reset.

I’ve gone NC with my ILs. My DP is tentatively moving forward with PIL but it’s often 1 step forward and 2 steps back. It’s something he needs to do at his pace though. My DCs won’t have a relationship until I can be sure they will be safe and protected.
good luck in supporting your husband and looking after your family.

His DC had gone low contact with him and MIL due to parental alienation with his ex wife. The DC was beginning to talk to him again and they were making plans to meet up and talk through everything. Then contact suddenly stopped and he was completely blocked. He had no idea again what was said or what had happened. His mother had accosted his ex wife in a busy cafe (they live in a small village) and started shouting at her, blaming her for everything, humiliating her. Don’t get me wrong, his ex wife is not a reasonable or pleasant human being, so would have revelled in his mother acting like that, gone straight home and told their shared DC with several embellishments.

DH was sobbing on the phone to MIL about the sudden complete loss of contact. He couldn’t work out what had happened. She knew the whole time the reason why. If she had told him, he could have at least attempted damage control, but it looked like he set his mum up to it and then ignored it.

She took matters into her own hands rather than just leaving it be. It’s like she hasn’t adjusted to being a parent of adult children and no longer the supreme matriarch who makes all the decisions. She kept quiet about it to save her own skin. She thought she was trying to help initially and royally messed it up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from her number one fan. There was a time where I’d have gladly blocked her and moved on with my life. I think she’s entitled and really needs some therapy herself as I get why she’s the person she is. She’s not a bad person, just a person who’s made bad decisions from good intentions. She’s let her own insecurities get in the way of rational judgment. I also think she’s showing signs of cognitive decline too, which is allowing the worst parts of her to shine through.

I remember some of your other posts. She is objectively awful. She wouldn't look after your child so that you could attend an important medical appointment and she has never helped you with the children but just expects to be hosted and fawned over. You are obviously a lovely person to keep giving her the benefit of the doubt but you should take your husband's lead and let him go no contact.

interesting you say she is supreme matriarch. I would imagine the relationship with DH is that despite being an adult with his own responsibilities she expects to remain his number 1 priority.
if there’s not an abundance of strong women in The extended family it’s unlikely her role has ever been challenged and the NC decision is one that allows your husband to assert that authority. He can gain peace from knowing he doesn’t have to worry about rocking the boat.

Reading everyone’s comments and insights is making me realise I do need to just leave him to do it if that’s how he feels. I just worry for him that he’ll regret it. He still has many questions unanswered and to go from being a massive mummy’s boy to cutting her out completely and immediately is going to destroy him.

I gave my opinion to him when he asked, but haven’t said anything since. He’s just ignoring her at the moment, so she’s ramped up the texting and calls. They spoke literally everyday be it texts or calls. I just wish she would acknowledge the hurt she’s caused and apologise for it. He’s spiralling and is so angry.

Op, if he’s struggling then he may need to visit his GP for support. It’s an incredibly stressful time for you both. Look after yourself too and access support if needed.

I remember when we first got together, he told me that I was his 3rd favourite woman after his DC and his mother. He didn’t understand why I thought that was something he should keep to himself. After we married, that priority should have shifted and it didn’t, but I didn’t notice until she started competing for his attention and often winning by use of guilt trips and manipulation. There’s been some serious emotional incest going on. She treated DH like a mini husband, expecting him to meet her emotional needs that her emotionally constipated husband didn’t. The more he prioritised me, the harder she fought. A lot of her behaviour towards me postpartum was her trying to put me in my place. DH finally admitted the pressure she put on him and that he felt responsible for her and put my needs behind her wants. My disappointment was easier to deal with than her emotional manipulation.