AIBU to feel overshadowed by my husband's need for attention?

[SayMyNamex2]

My recently retired husband absolutely has to be front and centre of anything going on, and it's driving me mad.

We've been married 28 years (today). He's always has a bit of a tendency to monopolise social situations so that everyone is laughing and joking with him, at my expense some of the time - although this part was dealt with pretty much (however, he still likes to be seen as having the upper hand one way or another). He really cannot bear what he perceives to be a lack of acknowledgement. It got a lot worse about 10 years ago, due to the influence of one particular work colleague who he observed was better than him at 'holding court', and from there on he upped his game. I thought it might eventually die down back to his normal level, but it has not. I'm finding it unmanageable and deeply annoying.

For several years, I've gradually avoided introducing him to new friends/acquaintances because I know he will want to completely take over. He massively lays on the charm, overshares sensitive information, and generally looks for ways he can gain approval with the new person. Two years ago, I regretted introducing him to a cousin I had not seen since childhood for these reasons. It was embarrassing having him trying to 'outdo' everything I said by telling more impressive (and sometimes more extreme/inappropriate) anecdotes, and generally showing off. To use an expression my kids would say, he's a bit of a 'Pick Me'.

I'm posting this today because it's our wedding anniversary, but he's been busy most of the day lapping up attention from a post he's made on at least 3 SM accounts about the fact he's retired from a long career. Everyone is being lovely about it, of course as it is a big deal, but they don't know he's barely acknowledged our anniversary today. When I've tried speaking to him about it in the past he either gets angry, defensive or is in complete denial. My issue is always shut down. Interestingly, he admits feeling jealous of my meetups with friends and/or family that he's not a part of.

Please tell me if IBU. I want to celebrate this big milestone with him, but I'm highly irritated and cannot find the good grace to do so. Every time his notification goes off i feel mad.

Should I suck it up for this one day. No one's perfect after all!

Thanks for laying it out this way. I swinging back and forth thinking why I should/shouldn't leave him.
However, seeing it all laid out as a list really drums home what I should do.

What's weird is that a few years ago I suggested to him that we should split. Suddenly, all the issues which concerned me for several years, that he'd previously thought "made no sense whatsoever" magically melted away, and he said he could change to address all of them, and that he was happy to do so. Trouble is he's found other ways of being his true self.

can you elaborate on this?

What’s your wider family situation? what children do you have and how do they feel about their father? What are his parents / siblings like? Are you really the only person who sees through his mask?

I have a brother like this. It's just cringey. The part about holding court resonates with me.

He will initially charm people and be the centre of attention. But after a while he tends to fall out with people or be unable to sustain relationships. He's been married twice and has cheated on every girlfriend/wife he's had, although he'd absolutely swear blind he hasn't there's always an overlap.

I have gone very low contact with him now as I hate how he behaves socially. I don't like him as a person and I've definitely taken a giant step back. He is also the kind of person to make horrible remarks behind people's backs, including children, so I really don't want him around my kids.

Took me a long time to really see it but once you do see it, you can't unsee it.

Don't waste anymore of your life in this horrible situation. Start building an exit plan.

I would leave.

The hills would be alive with the sound of my footsteps running away from him.

Your husband doesn't really sound like the OP's at all. Some people are just naturally charismatic. I would bet that OP's husband is a lot less popular than he'd like to think. He sounds like a real try-hard.

OP, if you actually did LTB things would eventually get better for you. If you stay however they will only get worse.

You are just a pawn in his Theatre Of Me. Let me guess - you also do everything to facilitate his life - all the drudge and "wifework" that is of course below his pay grade.

He didn't want to separate because it would be (a) a huge inconvenience to him and (b) a division of assets compromising "his" money.

Do you really want to spend whatever is left of your life with a self-centred boor? You deserve to be happy on your own terms, to do things that bring you joy, and newsflash: he is not the boss of you or the king of the universe.

There's a brighter, happier future for you out there. Go ahead and take it.

Jesus OP, he sounds like my dad. It also sounds a bit like insecurity; my dad has this constant need to be fussed over by other people, my mum was younger than him by 6 years, and fussed over him and made him feel important. She died a few yeaes ago, and dad made new friends and socialises a lot, but the minute he has a health issue he turns into a big baby and expects me to fuss over him, even though he's treated me with disdain my whole life. He's not a nice person.

I've distanced myself from him as when he's well we never hear from him, I know he's said horrible things about me and bullied me as a child, so I'm low contact with him. I realise it's harder for you, but I do wonder how he treated your children; did he compete for your affection when they were little? He reminds me of my dad.

Your DH is not like the OP’s at all.

The OP’s DH isn’t naturally charismatic at all. He just hogs attention. Not the same thing at all. He doesn’t ‘just attract’ people. He has to forcefully gain their attention through negative behaviours like belittling his own wife and competing with others to dominate the conversation. He’s not charismatic; he’s a self-obsessed bully.

Thanks for your responses 💐💐💐
I'm amazed and touched at everyone's ability to perfectly see what I've been putting up with all these years.
I tried having a chat with him last night about how I'm seeing the situation. He unreservedly apologised about the anniversary situation (he's keen to make it up to me), but struggled to understand the broader issues, e.g. of his attention seeking behaviour and his nastiness towards me (to my face), and towards our kids (behind their backs, mostly). On these points, and other related problems, he got defensive and annoyed.
Anyway, I told him I'm not interested in hearing the same old hackneyed defensive responses and denials. If he really means it when he says he wants to make it up to me, it goes beyond taking me out for 'a nice lunch'. I want him to do some proper soul searching, and think why is it he is so belittling towards his family, whilst being charming and amusing to acquaintances and strangers. He did not like this at all, as he is keen to make it up and move on.
So, we'll see what he comes up with.
I'm definitely looking to contact women's aid regardles, as I'm hearing the message from you all on here louder and more clearly than I've ever allowed myself previously. Thank you for opening my eyes.