AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my daughter’s severe clothing sensory issues?

[PrivateAye]

Please can I have advice from mums with pre-teen daughters with clothes sensory issues.
DD is 12.
Awaiting assessment for ASD and ADHD.
I don't know what to do.
When she was little I dressed her in soft organic cotton comfy clothes that were really easy to find in young children ages.
Now she's 12 she wants to dress in a fashionable, young teen style. All her friends are wearing denim shorts and tight fitting cropped length tops. She wants to dress like this. But she can't deal with any of the clothes. I've bought 20 pairs of denim shorts, ultra soft denim, 2 sizes too big to allow for a loose waist, nothing works. As soon as she sits down the waistband "touches" her tummy, or the crotch "touches" her down below, and she rips them off and starts crying. Tight fitting tops, I've bought expensive, softest cotton tops, washed them repeatedly in fabric conditioner to soften them further, she can't tolerate the feeling of the fabric touching her skin. So I buy her oversized baggy but fashionable t shirts and she resolves into a meltdown because nobody else is wearing big oversized t shirts every day, she says she hates them. Normal shorts can't be tolerated, even 2 to 3 years above her age so they're big around the waist, because when she sits down she can "feel the material" against her legs. Skirts are no good, I've bought dozens and dozens, because of the waistbands, or the length, or the material, or something, theres always something, and these are good quality well made natural fibre skirts in sizes bigger than her age. Leggings and cycling shorts won't be worn because of waistbands. Flowy flippy loose summer dresses that she's historically always been comfortable in now won't be worn anymore because apparently all the girls in her school year regard them as babyish, they all wear tighter fitting straight dresses, so I bought a load of them for her in soft jersey or t shirt style material and she dissolved in tears trying them on because the straight cut fitted design meant the fabrics were touching against her skin and she was inconsolable because she loved how they looked but just couldn't tolerate the feeling of fabric against her skin. Won't wear all the comfy soft girls joggers I've bought her, which I got as an alternative to leggings, she can't even explain to me why but I think it's because the fabric is a bit thicker, being soft jersey. Knickers and bralettes are a living nightmare, every day is faced with crying meldowns because the knickers have seams (M&S, Next, etc.) and the bralettes fit with elasticated material around her back, therefore she can feel it.
Then I had the idea of loose fitting playsuits, ordered 2 lovely ones from Next, plain black and another one in leopard print, she looked lovely in them when tried on, there is nothing about them that is uncomfortable they are baggy and flow down with floppy material, but they have a seem that runs up the centre of them from crotch to neckline, and that has caused a meltdown because it makes the fabric marginally curve inwards in a way that I can't even notice but to her it's like it's digging in to her body yet it barely drapes over her skin.
I just don't know what to do and I'm at my wits end. To the point that I feel tearful. She is such a lovely girl and all she wants to do is dress fashionably like her friends and she feels so crushed by all this trying on of clothes and nothing feels ok on her.
She spends her entire time walking around the house in an oversized ultra soft dressing gown with nothing whatsoever on underneath, not even underwear, because there are no clothes she can wear to feel comfortable in.
School uniform is another level of pain, she's got me cutting off the waistbands of her ultra expensive school skirts and PE skort (state school academy have horrendously expensive logo strict specialised uniform policy, it's not supermarket stuff) and I have to buy 15 year old boys shirts so they're big.
I just need help.
I am spending hundreds and hundreds of pounds on all these clothes and none of them can be worn.
Getting dressed to go out anywhere is taking 2 to 3 hours of meltdowns and it's gotten to the point recently where I've started to feel like i can't go through all this anymore every time we go out, so I've recently started just staying at home on beautiful summer days because I can't face the trauma of clothes,cand DD spends all day naked under a dressing gown, yet DD absolutely hates being like it and she wants to be dressed and going out, it is traumatic for her.
What do I do?

Aside from waiting for a diagnosis what is being done to help her deal with her sensory issues and slowly improve what she is able to cope with. Does she have any type of therapy because that sounds like what he really needs. You’ve worked so hard to try and find practical solutions and clothes that are acceptable but it is not really tackling the underlying problem.

I agree with @Smartiepants79 . Can you ask your GP to refer her to an occupational therapist who specialises in dealing with sensory issues? Or, to avoid the waiting list, is there any chance of you paying for this? It would also help with getting concessions on school uniform, which I assume must be quite a problem also.

Have you had a sensory specialist OT assessment? This would be a good step. Sounds like some desensitisation strategies might work.
Has she started her periods? Wondering about tolerating pads.
Could you have clothes made? Have you tried the specialist sensory sites for clothing?
Do school make adjustments with uniform?

I would seek advice from a sensory integration trained occupational therapist if you can. Not all areas fund this on the nhs so you might need to find someone privately.

School must make reasonable adjustments. If you do see an OT get them to do a report for school stating why this is necessary. If they refuse it's basically disability discrimination.

See my previous post
Some of this advice may help some may be aimed at younger children

https://bedslutonchildrenshealth.nhs.uk/services/bedfordshire-and-luton-childrens-occupational-therapy-service/helping-your-child-with-sensitivities/strategies-for-dressing-sensitive-children/

A therapist could work with her on a programme for a gradual ladder of exposure to help her tolerate more types of clothing, as this is something materially affecting her quality of life and will do in the future. CAMHS will be a long haul, if you have the resources I would explore going private (obviously without taking her off any waiting lists).

I'm really sorry OP. To me it sounds like your dd's fabric sensitivity is one issue, but her attitude is the bigger issue right now.

She is loving having you jump through hoops trying to work magic that can't happen. I think you have to sit her down and be very clear:

• yes, it sucks to have sensory issues with clothes
• lots of people have disabilities which limit their ability to do what they want (cue examples of people who can't walk or even drink water due to disability ..)
• even when disabled, we have no right to nehlgatively impact other people by controlling their lives with our disability
• she has duties and one of them is to choose: either she wears something comfy but unfashionable or she wears something she likes but endures the lain

-self-pity is not a life option and a large chunk of the population has to live with chronic pain

• you will not tolerate whining anymore and just fo our without her if she doesn't want to come

Ultimately she's refusing even the slightest amount of pain and getting used to wearing clothes of some kind, any kind, is essential to her staying alive. She has no choice and it really sounds like she needs tough love at this point.

I’m not sure this is entirely sensory.

She may well have some sensory irritations from certain clothes, but I think she’s become so obsessed and hyper-vigilant that she’s essentially now having psychosomatic symptoms caused by her own anxieties. It’s almost like her sensory sensitivities have triggered some kind of OCD type reaction and it’s become magnified into a huge obsession.

Most people with sensory issues understand that they have to cope with a degree of discomfort from clothes and that it can only be mitigated so far. I’m sure plenty do what your daughter does and change into a dressing gown or pyjamas or a nightshirt the moment they get home. But nobody - even neurotypical people with zero sensory problems - is totally unaware of the sensation of their clothing all day. Your DD seems to he caught in a trap of thinking that if she has any physical awareness of her clothes, that is ‘wrong’ or imperfect - much like someone with a germ-related OCD might be convinced that something isn’t ever completely clean no matter how often they’ve bleached it.

If she gets an autism diagnosis, hopefully that could lead to finding appropriate coping strategies but I think in addition I might be looking at trying to find a child psychologist or psychiatrist who can assess her for mental health issues that might be going on alongside the autism.

it sounds so hard for her and you.
My DD ( older teen) has some sensory issues, not at this extent but even so it limits her significantly especially from fashion pov. I spend hours browsing different websites, collecting orders and then refunding them - it’s exhausting. She usually tries at home and if it’s not good sensory wise at the moment of trying - I take it back. The only change I can promise - to cut off labels. If we find something suitable - we buy a few straight away.
Hopefully diagnosis will open door for at least some help.

I feel your pain. I have cried many times over trying to find dd clothing.

i actually don’t agree with the suggestion that this is something that deserves an ot unless the individual wants to learn to tolerate the sensation. The feeling of your clothing is always there. This isn’t something a person should mask all day

it got better for us when dd got a couple of years older. She developed her own sense of style. She is still rigid about her clothing, but she has a particular aesthetic that works for her.

my solution as an adult is to not be particularly fashionable. I mostly wear cotton dresses and get plenty of compliments though. When I find one I like, I go back and buy a variety of colors.

Have you done any sensory activities like brushing? Does she use weighted blankets at night?

As she wants to wear normal clothes, I think I’d be experimenting with her to tolerate different sensations. Literally sitting and playing almost, with different things around her waist- a ribbon, an elastic strip etc. See if a rigid band feels better than a stretchy one, if a wide one is better than a narrow one.

While she learns to increase her tolerance of different sensations, I’d stick ti the style she used to like but pick more grown up versions of them. So if she likes the a-line dresses, look at accessories or colours or lengths, or pick out fabrics and get them made.
Can she belt a dress she already has, out of interest? That would be a good place to experiment with increasing her tolerance, too.

Absolutely astonished at the waste of money spent on clothes that she just takes off and bursts into tears. Not relevant, but in my childhood, this wouldn't have been a problem.I wore what my mother could afford to buy me.

Can't say you haven't tried just say to heryou wear what you find comfortable, and that's it.I'm not buying you any more denim shorts because you don't like them.

She canr have it both ways tell her that and a diagnosis isn't going to change it. Diagnosis will explain the why but not the what to do about it.

There isn't a solution to this problem.And she's old enough to understand that she can't wear the clothes she likes.Therefore, she wear something she can comfortably wear, and that is the end of it.

Whilst I understand that some children want to wear fashionable clothes, there needs to be a balance with what suits them, what is appropriate and obviously, in your daughter's case, what she can cope with wearing.
Is it worth approaching a local seamstress/Google online to see if anyone can either make her some suitable clothing or adapt some of the things she has to make them more suitable.
I have come across people who do make adaptive clothing for other 'disabilities' who might be able to help or advise.
I think there are also some companies that do specially sown clothing for children with skin conditions, so very soft and carefully sown seams.
Might also be worth trying Cambridge baby company (despite the name, they do adult clothing as well). Whilst it's not always the most fashionable, it has natural materials and seams are well sown.

It might be worth you reading up about Retained Reflexes.
I used to be a SENCO and remember listening to a talk about, particularly teenage boys, who were having sensory problems with their clothing. The Ed Psych recommended Evening Primrose oil. Of course that person isn't qualified to prescribe but EPO is available over the counter and many parents had been successful I alleviating the symptoms.

I'm so sorry, @PrivateAye. I have no useful advice but I just want to offer you and your daughter huge sympathy.

Could you try to find examples of cool, young female celebrities who wear oversized clothing? Like Billie Eilish? (I don't know if she counts as young and cool as I am old and uncool, but I'm sure I've seen pictures of her in oversized t-shirts.)

Where I live, I see loads of teenage girls wearing tracksuits (White Fox, usually) which look pretty comfortable.

What’s her general anxiety level like? I think if you can reduce that sometimes you can tolerate more sensory challenges.

You can get really soft tops with a lot of stretch that feel like wearing nothing.

The denim shorts aren't going to work - so give that up. They will need to be stretchy jersey cotton type stuff.

I would go to a shop at a non busy time and try stuff on, sit down in it etc.

Would you keep buying your child a brand of drink or some food that they couldn't tolerate eating or drinking?But wanted it, because all their friends had it?

Is the same thing?I can't believe this is an issue. Tell her no - she doesn't like wearing them, and she's just going to have to wear what she finds comfortable.

I think you need to stop buying stuff that can't be returned, surely?

Is the issue that means you end up buying rather than trying because of the plastic tags? I think you can buy a plastic tag gun if that would help with that problem possibly?

I can see it's very difficult but ultimately we have to learn to reduce the level of introspection. Because if I think about it I can feel waistbands and sock seams and all sorts and I've had to learn to just ignore them. I do have techniques though - I often wear a soft vest under things, I swear leggings instead of tights, I rarely wear trousers because of the waistbands.

I would agree that this is more anxiety related than sensory.

She needs to be trying clothes on in as neutral and calm state of mind as possible. Not with any expectation or conversation about where she’ll wear it and definitely not juts before you need to go anywhere.

Distraction is also very useful. I wonder how she would get on if she tried some of her friends’ clothes at their houses without you there? I expect she’d manage to keep them on for much longer.

I’m presuming you don’t have a child with these issues

I have sensory issues with clothes as an adult and can see where your daughter is coming from somewhat.

With regards to underwear, cut all labels off if you don’t already and wear them inside out so the seams don’t irritate. Check for rough edges and get a nail file to gently rub the area so it softens it a bit.

For jeans, you could try Halara type ones that are butter soft and quite fashionable. They do skorts as well I think. I absolutely hate jeans waistbands too.

Socks again, try turning inside out and get ones that don’t have elastic in the ankle area.

Hope you get it sorted.

DD was a complete pain in the arse at this age too - ASD like her brothers, except DS1 had a uniform and basically wore the same clothes in different sizes, and then DS2 wore his hand me downs so all pre-softened and worn in, and neither cared much what they looked like.

What we did:

1. Stopped buying anything she hadn't tried on and said yes to in the shop. This reduced some of the wastage, but sometimes she really wanted something then couldn't handle it on
2. Started buying a lot of charity shop stuff because it was generally softer
3. Accepted hand me downs from anyone who would offer
4. Used the school second hand shop - or buying from lost property sales for school uniform.

Now she wears mainly Vinted and charity shop stuff. For underwear it's still Asda George or Primark seamfree teenage pants and crop tops. She is able now to weigh up discomfort vs style - there are things she will put up with for a short period of time, but it was a lesson that took a long, long time.

It absolutely isn’t! Some clothes just feel absolutely terrible and irritating.