AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my daughter’s severe clothing sensory issues?

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Please can I have advice from mums with pre-teen daughters with clothes sensory issues.
DD is 12.
Awaiting assessment for ASD and ADHD.
I don't know what to do.
When she was little I dressed her in soft organic cotton comfy clothes that were really easy to find in young children ages.
Now she's 12 she wants to dress in a fashionable, young teen style. All her friends are wearing denim shorts and tight fitting cropped length tops. She wants to dress like this. But she can't deal with any of the clothes. I've bought 20 pairs of denim shorts, ultra soft denim, 2 sizes too big to allow for a loose waist, nothing works. As soon as she sits down the waistband "touches" her tummy, or the crotch "touches" her down below, and she rips them off and starts crying. Tight fitting tops, I've bought expensive, softest cotton tops, washed them repeatedly in fabric conditioner to soften them further, she can't tolerate the feeling of the fabric touching her skin. So I buy her oversized baggy but fashionable t shirts and she resolves into a meltdown because nobody else is wearing big oversized t shirts every day, she says she hates them. Normal shorts can't be tolerated, even 2 to 3 years above her age so they're big around the waist, because when she sits down she can "feel the material" against her legs. Skirts are no good, I've bought dozens and dozens, because of the waistbands, or the length, or the material, or something, theres always something, and these are good quality well made natural fibre skirts in sizes bigger than her age. Leggings and cycling shorts won't be worn because of waistbands. Flowy flippy loose summer dresses that she's historically always been comfortable in now won't be worn anymore because apparently all the girls in her school year regard them as babyish, they all wear tighter fitting straight dresses, so I bought a load of them for her in soft jersey or t shirt style material and she dissolved in tears trying them on because the straight cut fitted design meant the fabrics were touching against her skin and she was inconsolable because she loved how they looked but just couldn't tolerate the feeling of fabric against her skin. Won't wear all the comfy soft girls joggers I've bought her, which I got as an alternative to leggings, she can't even explain to me why but I think it's because the fabric is a bit thicker, being soft jersey. Knickers and bralettes are a living nightmare, every day is faced with crying meldowns because the knickers have seams (M&S, Next, etc.) and the bralettes fit with elasticated material around her back, therefore she can feel it.
Then I had the idea of loose fitting playsuits, ordered 2 lovely ones from Next, plain black and another one in leopard print, she looked lovely in them when tried on, there is nothing about them that is uncomfortable they are baggy and flow down with floppy material, but they have a seem that runs up the centre of them from crotch to neckline, and that has caused a meltdown because it makes the fabric marginally curve inwards in a way that I can't even notice but to her it's like it's digging in to her body yet it barely drapes over her skin.
I just don't know what to do and I'm at my wits end. To the point that I feel tearful. She is such a lovely girl and all she wants to do is dress fashionably like her friends and she feels so crushed by all this trying on of clothes and nothing feels ok on her.
She spends her entire time walking around the house in an oversized ultra soft dressing gown with nothing whatsoever on underneath, not even underwear, because there are no clothes she can wear to feel comfortable in.
School uniform is another level of pain, she's got me cutting off the waistbands of her ultra expensive school skirts and PE skort (state school academy have horrendously expensive logo strict specialised uniform policy, it's not supermarket stuff) and I have to buy 15 year old boys shirts so they're big.
I just need help.
I am spending hundreds and hundreds of pounds on all these clothes and none of them can be worn.
Getting dressed to go out anywhere is taking 2 to 3 hours of meltdowns and it's gotten to the point recently where I've started to feel like i can't go through all this anymore every time we go out, so I've recently started just staying at home on beautiful summer days because I can't face the trauma of clothes,cand DD spends all day naked under a dressing gown, yet DD absolutely hates being like it and she wants to be dressed and going out, it is traumatic for her.
What do I do?

Is there any background anxiety going on? My DD is 15 now and not too bad but when she was younger she struggled with sensory issues - what I noticed though was that if she was worried those issues became way worse. Stuff she could normally tolerate was suddenly unbearable.

Can she wear what she used to tolerate around the house at home - if she avoids what she used to be able to tolerate then she will likely become less tolerant of it 😞

It’s amazing that you are aware of how bad this is for her and not trying to push her to be uncomfortable or in pain.

Has she tried low waisted (on the hips) jeans or cargo trousers (to avoid her tummy) that are really baggy?

Or skirts several sizes too big so they can be worn on her hips?

Do the tight tops have seams? Have you tried seam free?

Would going straight to a bra rather than the elastic of a crop top help or stick with a vest?

Sorry if you’ve already thought of these - just trying to think what might help.

You don't keep buying a child something they want but physically can't tolerate.

Or do parents really do this?

Agree. Some kind of (properly done) desensitisation therapy.

i feel for you both 😢

Oh yes some definitely do. But (from experience) where there is this level of upset about so many types of clothes it’s more than just the actual clothes. And the more het up she gets about it the worse the clothes will feel

Both my granddaughters have sensory issues and are ASD but they can manage soft t shirts and leggings or shorts. It sounds incredibly difficult. I think a lot of it is down to anxiety and wanting to fit in so she may be deflecting. Does she cope with school ok?

It is a shame she wants to look like her friends otherwise she could stick to floaty dresses that don’t touch her waist.

Could you get some play suits made with extra length around the crutch section so they can not possibly pull against her when she moves?

I think Chantelle do some seamless knickers but only buy one pair to try as they are about £16. They have very soft bras too.

My dd had severe sensory issues linked to clothes, I would not be happy with your dds refusing to give clothes a chance.

I bought dd loose, comfortable clothes with minimal bands or seams mostly from Boden, however if she had tried them on for 2 mins and then kicked off I would not have been impressed. She needs to give the clothes a chance, all new clothes feel a bit funny to start with 🤷‍♀️

My dd saw the OT who suggested a brush which she had to use all her body to try and desensitise it, we also used weighted blankets and massaging her feet and head.

In the end though I think the desire to wear the clothes her friends were wearing won out and she just went through the pain barrier. She’s 20yo now and wears very normal clothing.

Sympathies to both of you my daughter has sensory issues too. She’s clearly motivated to try and I agree with previous posters it seems to have tipped into a real anxiety. One thing leapt out though - you’re ordering for her and she’s trying on at home. Sadly that’s just not going to work. You’re genuinely going to have to hit the shops and try everything on. It’s exhausting, you’ll have to be very patient, but if you come home with one thing she can tolerate it’s a start. Try and consider barrier garments - old fashioned slips etc might help. Agree with everyone OT would be a good move. 12 is probably the worst age for this too - they want to fit in so much but haven’t developed sensory coping strategies. When she’s older she’ll either be confident enough to dress for her own needs, or she’ll have built up tolerance. For now, let her lead and prepare for it to be bumpy. There’s no magic wand so be kind to yourself and accept that all you can do is support her to make her own choices. Put her in charge.

Try to stop spending money on expensive items. Sounds like you've done your very best but nothing has worked. This is out of your control now. I agree with the poster it's up to her whether she goes for comfort or style.

Hi @PrizedPickledPopcorn , I was (and still am) very much like your daughter in having severe sensory aversion to clothing, I was also naked a lot as a kid for the same reason, I would hide my shoes so i didn’t have to wear them. Even now as an adult I struggle with socks, knickers, anything that feels remotely tight on my skin.
Things that have helped me tolerate things better:
Understanding WHY i feel this way, that im
not crazy or a bad person or any of that,
its just how my body processss being touched.
desensitising therapy, stroking my skin with the fabrics, Massage and deep pressure rubbing with a towel before i get dressed helps to desensitise the skin.
somewhat counter intuitively, compression garments can sometimes really help when feeling particularly sensitive, the even tight pressure is much more tolerable than say just a tight waistband and everything else feeling flowy.
It’s worth trying different fabrics. the advice is often to use soft breathable fabrics and that can help, but I also am much more tolerant of that shiny material (polyester I think? sorry i’m bad at names of fabrics!) as it sort of slips over my skin.
put on an item and then remove it after a short time- even if that’s seconds to start- where she knows that in x amount of time it’s coming off can really help and builds up tolerance over time.
Maybe find a celebrity who has a style of wearing loose clothing, Billie Eilish springs to mind for often being in oversized clothing and build her self esteem to being different and not a clone of everyone else could help.

I hope some of that helps. You aren’t alone ❤️

Why on earth do you think she loves living like this?
She clearly needs help, not censure.

It won’t be a conscious decision to not give things a chance, and creating a situation where she feels bad or naughty for a feeling she cannot control is deeply unhelpful. If someone stuck a knife in you would you want to be told to give it a chance?

I was also going to suggest swing sensory OT for brushing programme. I’ve seen just results from it.

But also be kind to yourself. You don’t need to keep buying stuff you know she won’t wear and spending/wasting money you may or may not have.

Have a look for shorts with a soft waistband rather an elasticated. Matalan shorts with the cycle short from their sports section are like this and the advantage of that type of shirt is she can go without pants on.

You can also get skirts etc with the same band.

Halara is a good place to look to see what I’m describing.

undiagnosed and in medicated adhd can heighten sensory issues So if she’s diagnosed medication may really help her.

But she also does need to get on Baird with a desensitisation programme. It’s like any therapy. Uncomfortable at first but does heed results.

Would she start by wearing cycle shorts and over sized t shirt for 10 minutes 3 times a day at home. Shes going to need to want to get better for any sensory programme to work.

Stop buying clothes. They are not really the cause of the problem here, just the occasion.

Spend the money instead on a private ND assessment and/ or a sensory specialist OT.

My daughter is similar and we've had success with the Primark seamless pants, I buy size xxs for my 12 year old. Also their seamless crop tops which have built in support. They are in the pj section but my daughter has worn them out as tops and now has started wearing them instead of a bra under other clothing. As others have said, try on in the shop and buy multiple if it's approved!

https://www.primark.com/en-gb/p/seamless-cropped-cami-top-bright-blue-991156869532

Agree.

This is worth investigating.
Does she feel she's in some way different from her peers, believes clothes would make a difference, but they don't work the magic she wants them to work, so is engaged in an endless cycle of having her sense of being different rubbed in her face?

Many ND girls begin to really experience that sense of not fitting in around the tween years, and it can be devastating, because for girls, fitting in is extremely important at that age. The OP mentions that the other girls have deemed her daughter's dresses babyish, indicating to me that how she is perceived has begun to weigh on her.

I think the autism assessment needs to be prioritized, along with desensitization therapy. This young girl needs to be better able to understand herself.

This view won’t be popular but it’s correct. Sometimes life is just hard.

first I do remember that stage, my dd is clothing sensitive though thankfully not concerned with fashion and didn’t have friends really.
secondly send clothes back if they aren’t suitable, better still take her shopping - let her work out what she likes and can tolerate. My dd lived in dresses and cotton shorts underneath because she couldn’t deal with the waist bands on shorts. Now she can wear anything though at a small size 6 many styles just don’t go small enough. My dd liked fat face, seasalt etc as jersey is smooth

I feel your pain OP. The stress I’ve been through trying to find clothes and shoes my DD(13) can tolerate is unbelievable. She hasn’t been to school in 3 years and uniform is part of the reason why. I now claim DLA which helps with the cost of all the clothes I can’t return.
An autism assessment is worth having but won’t actually help you with any of this.
If you can afford input from a good sensory OT then that’s worth trying, though we haven’t really seen results from it.
The main thing that seems to help is reducing stress in general life and increasing opportunities for regulation (going on a swing, stroking a dog, swimming or whatever works for her).
It’s getting a bit easier for us now that she’s big enough for XS women’s clothes in some shops - it means there’s a lot more choice, though I’m still failing on underwear 😒
Good luck 💐

Hi OP, I feel your frustration, and worry for your DD. I have been going through similar with mine since she was old enough to pull off anything she didn’t like. The first time we took her to get fitted for shoes, the shop assistant put the first one on her foot, and before they had time to even pick up the second, she had flung her foot so hard to get it off, it flew across the room! Luckily no-one got hurt and the shop assistant was lovely about it.
She’s 12 now, and whilst both of us still dread having to buy new shoes and clothes, we have found approaches that work for us. I’ll list a few below, you may have tried these, or may not work for your DD, but hopefully some may help?

• let her be comfortable at home (as long as it’s not making someone else uncomfortable)
• order stuff to try on at home if possible.
• don’t ask her to try on lots of different things in one go.
• try stuff on inside out first, to avoid seams and labels itching. If she likes the overall shape/feel, then try it the right way round.
• let her try the same item on multiple times, the first time it will feel weird/horrible/unfamiliar, but if she can try it on again later that day, maybe again the next day, she might learn to tolerate it better.
• if you have to go out to the shops to try stuff on, mentally prepare both of you - we are going for one item, we will try it on, we will keep it on for 10 seconds (or whatever), encourage her to focus on her breathing while she counts to ten. Make sure you are calm before you go, and not in a rush, you’ll need all the patience you can muster!
• Agree in advance, we try on 3 (or whatever) tops and no more. If you don’t like any of them, that’s okay we will try again another day. Treat both of you to a coffee/snack afterwards- neither of you are enjoying this, but try to finish each trip on a positive note, and let her know in advance if we make it through the trying on, we’ll get a milkshake or whatever . The reward is not really about whether you are “successful” in buying the top, but that she managed to try them on.
• you need to help her build up to the point that she can try something on, say, I don’t like this, it’s uncomfortable, and take it off without going into a panic.

it does sound like she would benefit from some kind of therapeutic input to help her understand her sensory needs, and to learn how to manage these; to be able to experiment with different texture on her skin in a safe environment where she feels in control. My DD saw a play therapist for a few years and we found this helpful too.

I really feel for both you and your daughter. Both my daughter and I have sensory processing issues regarding fabrics and the fit of clothes. This was manageable until daughter reached secondary school and they were unreasonably autocratic about the uniform and refused to understand the impact on her. We had a private OT assessment as this isn’t available on the NHS in our area. She was treated respectfully by the OT and felt validated by her. It was recommended that she have brushing therapy but we didn’t pursue this in the end as school accepted the findings of the OT and allowed reasonable adjustments. I also found a charity who would amend clothes for a small fee. I think just the whole sense of being believed by an expert helped her. She now wears things that six or seven years ago would have been painful for her to wear (including denim shorts!) I would really recommend seeking out an OT who specialises in sensory processing.

I would see if the gp can refer to occupational therapy.
My daughter is 13 amd recently diagnosed autistic and clothes in my house are am absolute battleground, only difference in my house is she isnt bothered about dressing like the other girls so she literally lives in squiddy joggers and oversize tops.

But like you I have spent hod knows how much on clothes down to soft seam free socks. Puberty is hard as she is busty so we are still trying to find a bra she can tolerate.

But I have asked for Occupational therapy referral due to her sensory issues. Clothes are a massive one but also food is a nightmare

This is exactly what I thought. When my autistic son is anxious/stressed he becomes ultra focused on certain sensory inputs. Mainly noise and touch (unable to touch food or certain textures). It is OCDish in nature and can become all he thinks about.

OT recommendation was to effectively ignore these aspects and instead focus on what was underlying - in our case mainly triggered by school stress. As the underlying stress has been resolved (a whole other battle of course!) it really has made a massive difference to the sensory side.

So I would take a big step back and look at the wider picture. Are there issues with school, friendships, family dynamics etc. Is she aware of social differences between her and her peers? Does she know about the ND assessments and if so how does she feel about it?

As a side comment do you get DLA to help with the costs? You don't need a diagnosis but other evidence can be provided e.g. referrals, GP notes, school records etc.

The comment was about the OP repeatedly buying the same garments despite knowing that her DD would not be able to tolerate them. It’s a fair comment.