AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my daughter’s severe clothing sensory issues?

[PrivateAye]

Please can I have advice from mums with pre-teen daughters with clothes sensory issues.
DD is 12.
Awaiting assessment for ASD and ADHD.
I don't know what to do.
When she was little I dressed her in soft organic cotton comfy clothes that were really easy to find in young children ages.
Now she's 12 she wants to dress in a fashionable, young teen style. All her friends are wearing denim shorts and tight fitting cropped length tops. She wants to dress like this. But she can't deal with any of the clothes. I've bought 20 pairs of denim shorts, ultra soft denim, 2 sizes too big to allow for a loose waist, nothing works. As soon as she sits down the waistband "touches" her tummy, or the crotch "touches" her down below, and she rips them off and starts crying. Tight fitting tops, I've bought expensive, softest cotton tops, washed them repeatedly in fabric conditioner to soften them further, she can't tolerate the feeling of the fabric touching her skin. So I buy her oversized baggy but fashionable t shirts and she resolves into a meltdown because nobody else is wearing big oversized t shirts every day, she says she hates them. Normal shorts can't be tolerated, even 2 to 3 years above her age so they're big around the waist, because when she sits down she can "feel the material" against her legs. Skirts are no good, I've bought dozens and dozens, because of the waistbands, or the length, or the material, or something, theres always something, and these are good quality well made natural fibre skirts in sizes bigger than her age. Leggings and cycling shorts won't be worn because of waistbands. Flowy flippy loose summer dresses that she's historically always been comfortable in now won't be worn anymore because apparently all the girls in her school year regard them as babyish, they all wear tighter fitting straight dresses, so I bought a load of them for her in soft jersey or t shirt style material and she dissolved in tears trying them on because the straight cut fitted design meant the fabrics were touching against her skin and she was inconsolable because she loved how they looked but just couldn't tolerate the feeling of fabric against her skin. Won't wear all the comfy soft girls joggers I've bought her, which I got as an alternative to leggings, she can't even explain to me why but I think it's because the fabric is a bit thicker, being soft jersey. Knickers and bralettes are a living nightmare, every day is faced with crying meldowns because the knickers have seams (M&S, Next, etc.) and the bralettes fit with elasticated material around her back, therefore she can feel it.
Then I had the idea of loose fitting playsuits, ordered 2 lovely ones from Next, plain black and another one in leopard print, she looked lovely in them when tried on, there is nothing about them that is uncomfortable they are baggy and flow down with floppy material, but they have a seem that runs up the centre of them from crotch to neckline, and that has caused a meltdown because it makes the fabric marginally curve inwards in a way that I can't even notice but to her it's like it's digging in to her body yet it barely drapes over her skin.
I just don't know what to do and I'm at my wits end. To the point that I feel tearful. She is such a lovely girl and all she wants to do is dress fashionably like her friends and she feels so crushed by all this trying on of clothes and nothing feels ok on her.
She spends her entire time walking around the house in an oversized ultra soft dressing gown with nothing whatsoever on underneath, not even underwear, because there are no clothes she can wear to feel comfortable in.
School uniform is another level of pain, she's got me cutting off the waistbands of her ultra expensive school skirts and PE skort (state school academy have horrendously expensive logo strict specialised uniform policy, it's not supermarket stuff) and I have to buy 15 year old boys shirts so they're big.
I just need help.
I am spending hundreds and hundreds of pounds on all these clothes and none of them can be worn.
Getting dressed to go out anywhere is taking 2 to 3 hours of meltdowns and it's gotten to the point recently where I've started to feel like i can't go through all this anymore every time we go out, so I've recently started just staying at home on beautiful summer days because I can't face the trauma of clothes,cand DD spends all day naked under a dressing gown, yet DD absolutely hates being like it and she wants to be dressed and going out, it is traumatic for her.
What do I do?

I hope the same happens in my house so your conment has atleast made me hopeful. LA agreed to issue EHCP after a fight, now to the placement, which LA and myself already disagree on obviously 🙄

OT can assess the whole situation and provide help with all sorts of tricky areas. Providing support for sensory needs in one area can help with another. It isn't necessarily about learning to live with discomfort.

As just one simple example our OT recommended crunchy food for straight after school or other stressful situations. This often helps with emotional regulation, as can hot or cold foods. She gave us absolutley loads of things to try to help reduce stress, and this in turn helped with sensory overload.

My daughter uses bamboo clothing, undergarments like a vest type bodysuit. I had read that undergarments made from rubber are good for those with sensory issues too.
I agree with other posters. She needs to be 'desensitised', it really does work!

She needs to get used to it. I wonder if you have been pandering to her too much, and have inadvertently made the issue worse? I wonder if a bit of tough love is needed. Could you start by getting her to wear some of these clothes for 5, 10, 15 minutes at a time? You need to get her out of the associations, to try and reduce the distress she feels. And she needs to wear clothes in the house. Allowing her to wear a dressing gown certainly isn't helping matters.

Does she ever go clothes shopping with her friends? I somehow doubt she'd have this kind of meltdown in front of them? Could be a strategy to help get her out of her current mindset.

Of course they do - everyone finds some things uncomfortable. I don’t have autism but there are fabrics I find really difficult to wear. However, the OP’s daughter pretty much finds all clothes ‘terrible and irritating’, including very soft and stretchy things, to the point where she refuses to wear anything but a dressing gown at home and cries and screams about it. That isn’t the same as just finding some clothes irritating. It sounds like a combination of genuine sensory issues which she has now become hyper-fixated on. Her behaviour is more akin to OCD or phobia than it is to sensory issues. It’s perfectly possible to have sensory issues AND extreme anxiety or OCD about it.

I was also going to suggest swing sensory OT for brushing programme. I’ve seen just results from it.

I really don't know any more what is a typo and what is something I've just never heard of. Is there something called "Swing Sensory Occupational Therapy" these days? Or did you mean "using sensory therapy"?

People insist it doesn't matter and we "obviously know exactly what the poster meant!", but I really just wish people would give their messages at least a cursory glance when they post, otherwise what is the point?

I wonder if the Baird system could help with that too 🤔

Honestly you sound like a lovely Mum and I say this with all the kindness in the world, but you need to stop spending money on clothes and spend it instead on a therapist who can help her with discomfort tolerance and desensitisation techniques.

The diagnosis, if it comes, won’t actually make any difference to how she feels right now, and you don’t need to wait for it. Encourage her to push herself to make tiny bits of progress- she may always struggle with this issue but there is almost certainly some ground to be gained.

My daughter has adhd and struggles to an extent.
there is a brand called les frans in urban outfitters that do very soft slouchy teen wear. She wears them a lot. I also struggle a little and I love Lucy and yak

Kindly - imagine/ Pretend you are very poor and cannot afford to manage the situation this way by buying a mountain of clothes that will ultimately be disregarded and think about what you would have to do instead ?

@PrivateAye My dd is 20 now but sounds very similar to your dd. She was diagnosed with sensory issues when she was little but as she got older she also diagnosed with OCD.
It's very difficult but you need to back away from trying to help her with the clothing for now.
Once she has clean clothes that fit her just put them in her room and leave it at that.
Let her wear what she wants around the house, my dd likes loose vest and shorts pjs.
Your daughter knows she needs to be dressed to leave the house.
Give her plenty of notice about where she will be going and what she will be doing.
Leave her to dress herself and say nothing about what she chooses.
Take all the emotion out of it. She won't go out naked.
Believe me when I say you will not find the perfect clothes, they don't exist.
She will gradually come to find what she likes or can tolerate.
My dd is not interested in fashion. She sticks to what she is comfortable in.
She is in University now and has good friends. They don't exclude her because she doesn't dress fashionably. The early teen years are very difficult. Good luck with everything.

Thank you everyone.
It's very interesting that a couple of people have brought up about OCD, because she has developed OCD symptoms over the past year in other areas, but I never even thought about that being linked to what's going on with her clothes, it didn't even occur to me. But when posters here mentioned it, it struck a chord in me. So now I'm going to read up on it, so thank you.
And about OT - again, I'd never considered this. I've never been entirely sure what OTs do so I didn't know they could help with this problem. I will look in to that too. Thank you.
To the posters that have said she's playing me up, or words to that effect, did you read my post properly and see that DD herself is greatly distressed by all this?
As for the expense of all this, believe me I am not well off. This is all being funded by my overdraft!

You have my sympathy..my 13 year old daughter is autistic and was like that up until about 2 years ago,she kind of grew out of it but school uniform was hell in primary school, she wore a long stretchy skirt that made her look amish

Sorry, I haven't read beyond this post.

Do you have an autistic teen. I do and I appreciate every single thing the OP has said and understand how she must be feeling.

Op, my DS has similar issues but not as severe. I can't tell you how many pairs of socks I've bought to find ones that can be tolerated. And how he refuses to wear more than three pairs of 'sleep shorts' as underpants as he can't wear any other style and primark have stopped selling the ones he has.

Or how he had to wear the same pair of black primark trainers for his final two years in private school as he couldn't tolerate leather shoes (thank god for the sensible private school SLT who could see that it was soft trainers or he wouldn't be able to access school).

Its wretchedly hard as a parent and I think doubly so for the parents of autistic girls who have so much more social pressure regarding clothes.

Op I don't have any other advice but my heart goes out to you. This will pass and one day you will be able to support another parent with your lessons learned.

🌻

Fwiw this is also an insanely trendy brand (at least at my DDs private school!) so if you can get her into it, then it's win win!

google it and see that things exists if you’re that interested?

This a million percent. A diagnosis will certainly add validity to what she is experiencing so of course it’s essential and valuable. But it could take ages and won’t in itself offer up any practical solutions right now . The key might be to focus on relaxation techniques and working on slowly increasing her window of tolerance. Of all the clothes she’s got and rejected, help her choose the least threatening/ least uncomfortable to her and work on having her wear it for gradually increasing amounts of time while taking deep breaths and reminding herself of the key messages such as this feels uncomfortable but I can manage it and these clothes are not going to hurt me.
I was also thinking of like nice soft vests/base layer type things that might reduce any feelings of friction from her clothing. Not ideal when it warm of course but might be worth thinking about.

That sounds like a good way forward.

I guess I'm luckier in that teens who have sensory issues have been less bothered by trends and fashionale brands - though also not been able to buy loads of options.

I think DD1 started making her own clothes and DD2 adjusting bought ones becuase they have issues with so much. They also won't try wearing things just because their mates ware them - they seem more aware of their own limits than I was at older ages. I have also tended to provide clothes options in their draws and they sort what they wear from relatively young ages - rather than me tell what to put on seems to help as well.

They have been pains about some items - DD2 is a mare about style fit and material of trousers - so if I find some she likes tend to get more. Socks are a partular nightmare and they often wear not when not out which is fine.

I do agree with PP though this sounds like more than sensory issues and I would look at OCD.

As a ridiculously curious person I spend an unreasonable amount of time time looking these things up on Google and also the acronyms that get thrown blithely around as though we should all know what they mean.

My post was a cry for help really, but I'm probably beyond it.

I feel for you, op. My dd's sensory issues weren't as pronounced but I've been left feeling quite desperate in trying to find clothing for her to wear. She's 13 now and we can laugh (just about) about the difficulty of getting her to wear socks and shoes in her younger days.

The advice I can offer is to try to remember this is a difficulty you are facing together. I completely disagree with the pps implying she needs to just get used to putting up with clothings that feel intolerable, that's an attitude that shows someone doesn't understand autism.

The biggest thing that helped us was giving dd a lot of control over whether she wanted to stick with the safe items of clothing or try something new that she liked the style of. The less pressure she was under, the more she felt able to experiment and the find a style that was a compromise between the feel and look. She also got a lot of support from her older dsis and her friends in developing her own style that isn't the same as the dc at school, do you know any older teens who might be able to support around that? The acceptance of older teens was helpful to combat pre-teen nonsense about having to fit in.

An OT with sensory regulation experience might be helpful. I've found advice from a colleague in this role extremely helpful. My dd can tolerate more of sensations she doesn't like if preferred sensory experiences are also increased. So, if she's having to wear a new pair of school shoes, she might also wear a velvet scrunchie round her wrist to stroke, or a perfume to smell. It's helped her to be able to sooth herself discreetly.

Making it a shared problem has helped me too. There was a point where I felt like I was expected to do the impossible - to find identical fashionable clothing that met dd's needs. It wasn't possible. Open conversations about what was the best option, and accepting that it might be the "best of a bad lot of choices" reduced the tension.

I wish you all the best!

Have you looked at BAM clothing? It's all very comfortable and loose yet pretty fashionable. Very soft fabric. Or Boody. They do loose jumpsuits that don't touch anywhere.

Ref trousers

Have you tried dungerees or jump suits without any tightness at the waist ?

Rather than wasting hundreds of pounds on clothes she won’t wear, maybe it would be worth diverting some of that money to private psychological support for your DD?

Well she’s got two choices hasn’t she , either wear what her friends wear or don’t and wear loose baggy clothes . Not sure it’s possible to have it all ways .

Could she wear the flowy dresses she is comfortable with but in more adult prints. Perhaps similar to nerdywave.

Sounds horrendous. However there is no solution if she can’t deal with any clothing touching her skin but also wants to wear clothing that looks like it is tight fitting. That’s the answer really - she sadly needs to realise that it’s oxymoronic.

Could you take her to have some items made for her by a tailor to set specifications?

You can buy seamless underwear at M&S and Sloggi.