Anxiety about my old life style

[sodoffbeforemycupofcoff]

when outside at night time the feelings of my old life style dawn on me.
before kids I was a wilding in the evenings.
cocaine and alcohol were my weekend friends, with my friends group.
now I have kids I’m mortified to think about what I used to get up to.
for me? I was lost knee deep in childhood trauma just looking for a way to escape. I fell into weekend drugs and boozing with friends.
I found myself lost in a domestic abuse relationship not too long after too which added to my hurt and trauma.
I now have two beautifully wonderful children and I love for them. This is the best assignment I have ever been handed. I know I’m still lost and still broken inside but for this short while I get to channel my energy into being a great mummy. My later life worries will come in their own time when my children are grown. Or they won’t. Because I’d have dealt with my mind and not just distracted myself. We will see I suppose.
something about this night air though, it has me feeling the crippling anxiety I’d feel after a night full of drugs and alcohol, on my way home in the cold or just the night breeze feeling tired, longing for my bed, come down creeping in and feeling that little bit more lost and hopeless… I am very thankful that I found a way through.
I thank God daily for my children and for getting me out of that ever so dark, lonely, depressing, self destructive ditch I found myself in after having experienced what I did.

No need to be ashamed, thats a normal part of life

We all go through phases. Some women love to party it up well into their 50s. Thats not something to be ashamed of.

Your life is right for you, and your life experince will come in handy one day, i'm sure x

I think you’re right.
I think I just remember how alone and scared I was in that place I was in. I see now how easily I could have ended up addicted and thankfully I didn’t.
thank you for your kind words x

Life is about moving forward, OP. You sound well set up and looking healthily towards the future. Don’t feel anxious about the past, but use your experience to remind yourself how far you’ve come and what really matters in life.

Its tough when you've had to go through life having dealt with tough experiences xx

Have you been to therapy? It might be helpful to talk to someone about it. I can relate, I was really wild in my teens and twenties, and got into some sticky situations. I had some good times, but sometimes I took it too far. I know my hedonism was connected to intense self-loathing. Therapy sorted me out, but it took a while.

Just look at your new life as a reset and a progression but no need to feel bad about the past. I appreciate every weekend I wake up without a hangover now I don’t drink but I can still take the positives from my hedonistic youth. Experimenting is nothing to be ashamed of unless you were hurting others, but even then, if you have turned things around, you should be feeling proud of yourself.