AIBU to spend Christmas abroad with DH and his bereaved dad

[tanjin]

My husband’s mum passed away at home over Christmas last year. His dad has essentially no family other than his son (dh).

Father in law has suggested that DH and him, plus me if I would like, go away together over Christmas to another country. This is because it would be too painful being at home.

We never spend Christmas together. I always spend it with my extended family. Dh can’t leave his dad and his dad wouldn’t come to my family.

I want to support DH but I think my family would be very disappointed if I told them I was going for a week abroad somewhere rather than see them. AIBU to go?

What's complicated about it, What's the length of your marriage got to do with it.

It would be a kind thing to do - if there's not some hideous backstory that is. What does your DH think?

Do you not spend it together because your family is weird and controlling and you can’t say no?

You are MARRIED. That’s not a casual relationship.

What do you want to do OP? Your post is about what your FIL wants vs your family

It's not complicated.

Your DH needs you. His father needs him.

Go and be together.

Depends on what you want to do.

If Christmas with your extended family means a lot to you, do that.

FIL has made his choice and given you an option, possibly out of politeness. He doesn't want to do a Christmas at home, but you enjoy that.

Perhaps they'll enjoy a mostly boys trip together for the first part of the holiday and you could join them after boxing day?

It’s funny how different the responses can be dependent on how the question is asked! I’m in camp ‘you’re an adult, do as you please’ but I’m on another thread right now where someone told me that I should expect to be abandoned in my old age for daring to suggest this view.

Bloody hell, you're not 16. Go and support your husband, he's the one you need to worry about disappointing.

Is your extended family including your children or siblings/parents?

This tbh

complicated…or odd?

This

Spend it with your husband and father in law

I would hope that under the circumstances your own family would understand why you would do this.

I would suggest though that you don’t let yourself become pressured to have the week abroad with FIL as your default Christmas from now on, although it would be nice if you were able to arrange things so that you (or at least your DH) see him for part of the day for the following year or so.

Surely your family will understand that you need to spend Christmas with your DH and FIL. If they object that says a lot about them!

As pps have said, you are an adult and can spend Christmas with whoever you want without having to justify your decision to your family. I also think not usually spending Christmas together is odd, other couples seem to manage it.

It's just one year- it won't kill your family for you not to be there this once.
You really need to be a little supportive, you can't expect a relative with no other family to spend it on his own, and you really should spend a Christmas with your husband for once.

I don’t know what the question on the other thread is, but fairly obviously “do what you like” has a limit where it’s no longer particularly reasonable or pleasant.

Some people just don't find Christmas that important and would rather spend it doing something different away from their other half.

The only Christmas I didn't spend with my husband is the one 3 months after we met. Your husband should be the most important person in your life. Why wouldn't you want to support him in his grief?

I agree with a previous poster - we can't possibly answer the AIBU without knowing what the complications are.

On the face of it the obvious response (to me anyway) is to go with your DH and FIL.

It’s literally that adults should be able to
go away at Christmas once their children have left home and that adult children shouldn’t be shirty about not having 100% access to you at all times. Straightforward as that.

I wouldn't leave him alone (is it that he would struggle to travel-I respect a newly bereaved older man might, especially with health issues, or that he doesn't want to come to the UK? If the latter, and if your parents would welcome him, you could discuss how he feels about it). Your parents won't be alone, and you can see them over the period before/after travelling.