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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband messed up my evening plans. Am I being unreasonable to hold a grudge?

27 replies

Firsttime098 · 30/07/2026 20:31

First time poster and it’s a very minor one but need to know whether I’m unreachable.

Husband and I lived in London for 8 years, have friends there that we care about deeply. We moved abroad 4 years ago so opportunities to see those friends don’t happen very often. We happen to be in London Tuesday-Friday this week and not only that but also without our 3 children. My husband is working im at a loose end. A lot of planning followed to see our friends both in old neighbourhood but also others. I have tried to plan as many meet-ups as I can both for me and then mutual friends for after work. Husband had resisted on Thursday drinks being at his office to meet his team. Great I thought and planned around it. Earlier today travelled an hour to the south to see our friends in old area and had a brilliant time, but was conscious of being back in time for the drinks. It was a bit of a rush showered again and got ready (because its melting hot) but he hadn’t really responded to my messages. 30 minutes after agreed time I called and he asked me to push back 30 minutes as chat more to due with work. Fine, I then got outside at agreed time and called for him to let me in. Then we find out I need a visitor pass that should have been applied for at least 12 hours before. Cue me leaving and him going back up. He says he’s very sorry and wants to make it up to me. But I’m upset and quite frankly humiliated. I spend a lot of time getting myself ready for something he had wanted to do, and I could have easily spend the late afternoon and evening with my friends in old area. Should I just let it go? He’s genuinely a nice guy but I just feel so annoyed. He’s back with me now but I’ve taken a minute for a breather and to write this.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 30/07/2026 20:33

Annoying for sure, but a genuine mistake for which he's apologised. Accept it graciously, let him make it up to you, and enjoy your evening!

AllTheChicken · 30/07/2026 20:36

If this is one of many mistakes where lack of forethought and planning have inconvenienced you then I would be annoyed and would address it after the trip. If it was a one off mistake then Id be annoyed but make the best of the situation by enjoying some alone time

ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/07/2026 20:38

It’s annoying but he didn’t do it on purpose did he? Let it go. Total over reaction

AbzMoz · 30/07/2026 20:39

It’s 8:30, there’s so much of a lovely evening left to still enjoy…

Deadleaves77 · 30/07/2026 20:40

I can't quite work out what's going on, your going for drinks at his work? But he doesn't usually work there as you live abroad?

Could he reasonably have known you needed a visitors pass? Its annoying but clearly just a mistake coupled with a stupid rule

Ponderingwindow · 30/07/2026 20:45

He is primarily working, not socializing. He didn’t happen to know the visitor pass policy. I think you are being a bit unfair. It is frustrating, but it is just one of those things.

Nelly44 · 30/07/2026 20:46

No big issue annoying but you have the rest of your time to catch up with friends. Rather than travelling to friends ask them to come to you in a more central place it’ll make it much easier.

Original poster
Firsttime098 · 30/07/2026 20:47

Thanks guys. We do live abroad yes but he’s continued to work for the same company. I have never visited the office and had no desire to do so but agreed this work trip would be a good opportunity to meet the people he works with closely. No it wasn’t malicious but he does have a habit of not planning ahead. Just feel a bit salty that’s all.

OP posts:
Bitzee · 30/07/2026 20:49

If that’s not his usual office location did he know about the visitors pass? I get it’s annoying but could have been a genuine oversight. And sounds like you have plenty of other stuff planned. Don’t hold a grudge.

Original poster
Firsttime098 · 30/07/2026 20:54

Thanks no I won’t hold a massive grudge, I was surprised how upset it actually made me. I think it’s just the lack of consideration knowing I have planned all our other meet ups. He just needed to check with reception! He worked in this exact office for years before we moved but like I said there’s never been a reason for me to join him.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/07/2026 20:58

Firsttime098 · 30/07/2026 20:54

Thanks no I won’t hold a massive grudge, I was surprised how upset it actually made me. I think it’s just the lack of consideration knowing I have planned all our other meet ups. He just needed to check with reception! He worked in this exact office for years before we moved but like I said there’s never been a reason for me to join him.

It’s human error, it happens. Considering he’s on a work trip abroad he obviously has plenty to think about out and mistakes happen. No point ruining your own evening being mad at him for a simple mistake

Deadleaves77 · 30/07/2026 22:57

I don't think most people would think to check with reception 12hrs in advance to see if their wife could come to a social event after work in the company. I really don't even think it's a lack of planning, its just a rule he wasnt aware of

Quitelikeit · 30/07/2026 23:02

Erm what rule is this? You need a pass to get into a work event?!

Tbh that sounds rather suspicious- can you elaborate further? And who issues such a pass within his org?

Original poster
Firsttime098 · 30/07/2026 23:10

Well it’s an investment bank. I checked when seething and it says the pass is for “security, regulatory compliance and asset protection” 😅😅 But all good now I’ll be over it in the morning.

OP posts:
hotmumshit · 30/07/2026 23:11

Hes an investment banker? Tell him to buy you a gwagon as an apology?!

Holdyourbreathandcounttoten · 30/07/2026 23:24

FWIW I think you are entirely justified in being upset about this op,

You went out of your way to do something you didn’t particularly want to do in order to support your dh, curtailing a rare opportunity to spend time with your friends, and he not only messed you around about the time, you were subject to the embarrassing experience of not being admitted after all of that effort bc he couldn’t be bothered to do a bit of research on your behalf.

So it was a lot of consideration and effort on your side met by zero on his!

Obviously it depends what he is like generally but I wouldn’t be particularly amused. It’s not the events themselves, it’s the total lack of
consideration.

bunnypenny · 30/07/2026 23:38

Christ this isn’t a big deal. You felt humiliated? Why? It was a work do and he forgot to get you a pass.

As for “should I let it go”, well yes. What else are you going to do? How would you hold on to it, if you’re not going to let it go? All seems very dramatic to me. It’s annoying sure, but not sure why you’re thinking it’s a lack of consideration on his part. He is working, you’re on holiday. Clearly the person who isn’t working makes the arrangements for socialising and if he’s an IB you know his schedule will shift (and a half an hour change isn’t much at all).

fwiw I wouldn’t think about checking with reception about whether I needed an advance pass for a client or guest for my firm.

Original poster
Firsttime098 · 30/07/2026 23:53

@Holdyourbreathandcounttoten thank you sums up how I’m feeling perfectly

To those thinking it’s dramatic, fair. And that I should be in charge of all the planning, uhm fair?

To give a realistic view of our situation I work full time and take care of all of our bills because it’s in a language my husband doesn’t speak fully. We have made good friends over the 15 years we are together and I attend to those friendships and make sure we see the people once back in the uk. I understand his work is busy but it was more the total lack of checking to make sure the evening plans would work. If he had said they weren’t I would have just stayed in our old area seeing the people I wanted to be with.

But he’s genuinely sorry, we are not idiots this isn’t going to break our relationship just one of those things

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 30/07/2026 23:56

Annoying yes, but I wouldn’t hold a grudge. I wouldn’t hold any grudge if I wanted my marriage to last!

Like PP said he didn’t do it on purpose. As for it being a rush- surely it was always going to be when you tried to do two things an hour apart. I think even if he’d got you into the office you’d have been a bit flustered and potentially resentful- in your shoes I would have declined the office drinks in the first place.

Holdyourbreathandcounttoten · 31/07/2026 00:01

bunnypenny · 30/07/2026 23:38

Christ this isn’t a big deal. You felt humiliated? Why? It was a work do and he forgot to get you a pass.

As for “should I let it go”, well yes. What else are you going to do? How would you hold on to it, if you’re not going to let it go? All seems very dramatic to me. It’s annoying sure, but not sure why you’re thinking it’s a lack of consideration on his part. He is working, you’re on holiday. Clearly the person who isn’t working makes the arrangements for socialising and if he’s an IB you know his schedule will shift (and a half an hour change isn’t much at all).

fwiw I wouldn’t think about checking with reception about whether I needed an advance pass for a client or guest for my firm.

You can’t imagine being embarrassed in a scenario where all of the other halves and guests are being let through and you get turned away?

bunnypenny · 31/07/2026 00:33

Holdyourbreathandcounttoten · 31/07/2026 00:01

You can’t imagine being embarrassed in a scenario where all of the other halves and guests are being let through and you get turned away?

Show quote history

Nope. Because the humiliation/embarrassment wouldn’t be on me, it would be on my husband. Plus it doesn’t sound like there were a load of people queuing to get in and only OP was turned away.

I mean of course if all the other partners and wives/husbands were being let through, that’s because their partners/wives/husbands had applied for a pass in advance so I may be questioning why my husband was such a space cadet not to do so. But I wouldn’t be humiliated or embarrassed.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 31/07/2026 00:38

It’s not the end of the world.

As to what to do: just move on. Have a nice day tomorrow.

NotAnotherScarf · 31/07/2026 08:00

Holdyourbreathandcounttoten · 30/07/2026 23:24

FWIW I think you are entirely justified in being upset about this op,

You went out of your way to do something you didn’t particularly want to do in order to support your dh, curtailing a rare opportunity to spend time with your friends, and he not only messed you around about the time, you were subject to the embarrassing experience of not being admitted after all of that effort bc he couldn’t be bothered to do a bit of research on your behalf.

So it was a lot of consideration and effort on your side met by zero on his!

Obviously it depends what he is like generally but I wouldn’t be particularly amused. It’s not the events themselves, it’s the total lack of
consideration.

The blokes made a mistake...obviously you dp must be perfect and have the foresight of a god. The man's in a different office, with different people. He's working. She's here on a jolly probably paid for mainly by his employer. He didn't know about this, and as someone who regularly visited the head office of many major banks and financial institutions, unusual rule. So he fucked up, he's not left on the streets of a strange town.

But then I expect perfect Peter your dh has never ever made a mistake

WhatNextImScared · 31/07/2026 08:03

tbh I probably wouldn’t have agreed to be at my DH’s work drinks in the first place - it’s easy to feel like a third wheel when it’s an event where everyone is talking shop and you’re not part of it.

But it sounds like he made a genuine mistake

Marroon · 31/07/2026 08:08

While it’s annoying it also sounds like surely he couldn’t reasonably be expected to know he needed to sort you a pass if he doesn’t usually work there?
I get it’s frustrating you were hanging around but equally it’s not like he ditched you for the night and you still had the whole night together to do something if he left at like 8ish?