To say Dd 16 can't live at her dad's house?

[randygiles824]

Sorry, this may be long.

Dd 16 is the eldest of 4 children that I share with ex husband. We have had them 50/50 for years and it has until recently worked okay.

Ex husband lives between two houses - with his new partner and her children on the days that he doesn't have our kids, and lives in his own house on the days that he has ours. His new partner and her kids are nice enough, there just isn't enough space for mine and ex husbands kids to stay when he has them.

In recent months, dd16 and dd14 have both ended up in hospital due to incidents that occured whilst staying with ex husband, one was serious enough to require surgery. I feel he was neglectful and that both of these incidents could have been prevented to an extent. There has also been reports from the younger ones (11 and 8) that there is no food in the house when they visit, their clothes aren't washed, they're allowed on the xbox for 10 hours at a time, there's no bedtime, they don't have toothbrushes there ect. As a result, I've told ex husband we are no longer doing 50/50 and he has instead been taking the children out for tea a few days a week.

Dd16 has not coped well with this change and keeps insisting that she is going to move in with her dad, ex husband has told her that she can move into his house. My issue with this, is that ex husband doesn't actually live in his house and has said outright that he won't be staying extra days at his house as he wants to continue staying most nights with his partner especially now that he isn't having the children for half of the week. Dd is in no way mature enough to be left to her own devices for half of the week. Her argument is that I was 16 when I had her and managed to live alone. I don't want that for her, and I don't know how I can change her mind.

How on earth does a 16 year old getting drunk in a field result in a safeguarding referral??? What a waste of public money.

You could agree with DD16 that she is old enough to stay at her Dad's alone but that she is not skilled enough nor trustworthy enough to do so. Give the example of her going out at night drinking and having the SS worried about her welfare.

Suggest that she proves her ability to you over the next three months to be able to stay there two nights per week.

Teach DD16 how to cook, budget food shopping, wash her clothes, plan and follow through with completing homework and getting to and from school on time.
Insist on her having phone tracking.
How will she prove that she will not drink alcohol? How will she prove that she is off her devices by dinner time? Ask her those questions.
Tell Ex of your plan.
If DD leaves with you worried about her welfare you will need to report and involve official help.

Because she was underage, neither parent knew where she was and ended up in hospital to have surgery.

The same thing then happened to a 14yo.

Safeguarding referrals paint a picture, it’s not just about the individual incidents.

A lot of children who go to A&E where there is a chance of parental negligence will have a safeguarding referral.

One off incidents don’t usually come to anything but if every child in that home was going to hospital for different accidents/injuries then it could well mean that they aren’t being taken care of properly.

16 is a young adult. She could live on her own FFS.

Yes she can live on her own but she can’t buy alcohol as that is age 18 in England.

So a referral would have been put in because obviously someone supplied it to her.

As a one off, they don’t have the resources to make it a big deal but if this was happening regularly then it’s likely SS would get involved.

If there are other incidents regularly happening within the same family, then SS would also get involved to see what’s going on.

Same way an 80yo woman with injuries would also be referred.
Yes she can live alone, but if she has carers etc then it may be possible that she needs extra support or she’s being neglected or abused.

16 is still a child, even though they could live on their own.

I left home at 16 and would probably have had safeguarding referrals made about me if I was 16 today. I was still very vulnerable, even if I did pay my own bills and cook my own tea.

No, I obviously don't think they never go out drinking in parks or fields ect when they are with me, they are teens and will do things like that. However, I anticipate that and try to mtigate the risks associated with that. When they are with me they have a reasonable curfew, which they always stick to, and I always ask where they are going, who with ect. They have never been out and injuref after midnight surrounded btly older drunken teens when in my care. They also stay in regular contact with me when they are out with their friends, and more often than not they end up at my house with their friends. None of this applies when at their dad's house.

Is her motivation wanting to see her dad, or wanting to get out of your house?

Because in your OP you say she wants to move in with her dad, but does she realise her dad won't be there?

Can she go to stay with him at his partner's house?

I would not let her stay in his empty house until she is 18.

So utterly crap for a teenage girl to have her dad effectively abandon any meaningful relationship with her.

I wouldn’t consider that his fault except in the most trivial sense of the word.

allowing 16 year olds out unsupervised may not be what you would do but it’s not unreasonable and midnight is ok for the school holidays.

obviously she’s been a muppet and presumably fell over while drunk or something similar.

he doesn’t sound like a great parent but if she wants to go there you’ll find you can’t stop her.

i’d suggest a persuasion campaign.

Her motivation is wanting to see her dad. She can't go to his partner's house as there is no space there for her unfortunately.

The incidents didn't happen in the school holidays, and they happened well after midnight - it would have been closer to 2am.

One was on a Thursday night, the week before she was due to start her GCSEs and the second involving my 14 year old dd was on a Sunday night.

I don't want to get into too much detail about both of the incidents, but neither were as simple as falling over drunk.

Surgery after drinking ? You say not falling over when drunk so a broken bone etx

The drinking isn’t an accident. Both your 14&16 chose to drink knowing they are underage - I did at 16 tho 14 is very young to be drinking in a field with her dad not knowing where she is

but I would agree with others that if drinking with friends with dad then they are probably drinking when in your care as well and you agree with this

so you are party to blame as well. They may have a curfew but surely you see them once home and know if drinking or not