I feel im not enjoying my life.

[JacknDiane]

Nearly 60. In our own home, grown up kids doing well. I should be content.
But I worry so much about the future. About getting ill and staying ill. (I have health anxiety). I worry how my kids will ever get on the property ladder. Worry how I'll cope if dh dies first. I looked after my mum for years and cant imagine how bad things would be without a "me" 20 minutes away, like she had. My dcs are boys who have moved far away. Being old and alone really scares me. And to make it worse, my sister who did nothing for mum, has her daughter and grandkids living 2 doors away who says she will always look after my sister. That is a fucking head nip.

Anyway, sorry. Im just feeling down.
Our money is very tight, we haven't been on holiday for 8 years. There's always something else to pay. We both work but in lower paid jobs.

Everything just feels a struggle, and I miss my kids. I feel they are getting on with their lives and leaving us behind. I know that's how it goes. Im proud and pleased for them but I wish we had more communication. Both of them are busy and its usually me keeping communication open. Im not criticising them at all, they dont need their mum badgering them, I know the boundaries.

I just miss them. All my pals have daughters nearby and my boys are far away.

Im just sad.

Please dont anyone say the "a daughters a daughter all her life etcetc"

I dont need to hear that just now.

I know IABU.

i need a boot up the arse.

Or a hug.

Have a hug. It sounds tough, OP and I'm sorry you are struggling. I know it can be difficult adjusting to changing circumstances.

Have you always felt like this? I'm 60 and for years I was a 'cross that bridge when I come to it' type and then menopause hit and I suddenly worried about all sorts of shit that wouldn't have bothered me before. I'm on HRT and ok now (mostly) but still get health/future worries, so I know where you are coming from.

What I try to do is repeat to myself that there's no point borrowing trouble - when Covid hit I had a 15yo son who took the opportunity of school closing for 6 months to do fuck all except game. I spent the next 18 months lying and stressing in bed every night that he would fail all his exams and not get into sixth form. When the schools reopened in Sept he did about 6 weeks, got Covid, was off til Christmas and then they shut the schools again til March and eventually the gave them teacher assessed grades - and his were perfectly ok and got him into 6th form.

I had wasted 18 months of bloody stress and worry every single night for something that never even happened. And that taught me a big lesson to 'ffs let it go til it actually does happen. And then you will deal with it like you've dealt with all the other shit that life has thrown your way in the last 60 years'.

Hope that helps a bit - if not, hope at least the sympathy does!

Also, I know how you feel about kids being far away. I'm in East of England and got one DD on the bloody South Coast and one who is up in Lossiemouth, Scotland about 11 hours drive away.

So neither of them will be looking after me!

You need a massive hug OP. And huuug.

Oof, life is tough sometimes. YANBU to worry - who doesn’t- but YABU to convince yourself that what you fear will actually happen. Fear doesn’t tell the truth - health anxiety will have proved that many times over.

As it happens the new social care system will take care of the swathes of us who are old and alone, so in the unlikely event it happens to you it won’t be as bad as you’ve seen it with your mum. That’s one blessing - the other one is that most people won’t need it anyway. Way more people than you’d think stay independent.

Im in Scotland, social care for the elderly is dire, without money to throw at it. I seen it first hand with my mum. I had to fight for everything she got. And this country is on its knees, the only ones getting through ok are people with money. That's my take on it.

@Hatty65, I tried hrt but the side effects ramped up my health anxiety and I gave it up.
Ive always been a worrier but now have young adults in this society without money behind us/them is frankly terrifying. They both pay a fortune in rent, their jobs are in expensive places, theres no jobs here.

But thanks both for the hugs.

Hugs from me to you. What I have seen with others is that boys disappear sometimes in their 20s and come back in their 30s and 40s when they settle down.

Nothing stays the same and I hope you get some good luck in what changes for you.

Thank you @DandelionsMakeMeSmile

Also sending a hug of solidarity x

Have a big hug. My kids are also moving out and away. One is doing very well, one is struggling.
This time of life is quite lonely. Do you have any good friends? Is there something you can do to improve your health? This year I am working hard on strength training, and it helps.

Not sure if you want suggestions, but, if you do, I would suggest finding an obsession.
I’m a similar age, and was in a similar frame of mind, and I know from personal experience that being a carer is so all consuming that it inevitably has a long term effect on how you think and feel.
But I’ve always enjoyed walking so I recently started doing more of that (with and without dogs!). I then took a camera with me, started taking short videos and started an Instagram account. Now I spend the time I would have spent dwelling and worrying on planning my next walk, learning how to use a new piece of kit, editing videos and just generally being obsessed with it all. And I feel a lot healthier.
That all might sound like your personal version of hell but find something to put your energy into (other than work). Preferably out of the house. It doesn’t have to be expensive. You’ve done your caring, it’s time to find something just for you.

And I have absolutely no idea why @friedaklein ‘s post was quoted on mine (tried to edit to delete but wouldn’t work!) but I do agree with her!🤣

Things that have helped me find joy in midlife and miss kids less:
Walking. It's an amazing way to stay physically and mentally fit. And free.
Choir. Mine is a paid choir but there are many free ones.
Book club. Great way to make new friends.
Going to beautiful art galleries/ museums and educating myself about art. We are so lucky in this country to have free museums. Any near you?
A cat? This is expensive, of course.

Have a huge hug from me. I'm single after being with my husband for over 30 years in a coercive abusive relationship. My mother has schizophrenia and I've cared for her all my life she's 74 now. My children are amazing adults but they can be a drain at times. I get lonely often and often think fuck me is this it. But I keep going and have good and bad days.

You have a hard road. Have a massive hug!

A bit older than you op. I never used to be a worrier and I wonder if it a post-menopause thing because I worry such a lot now - about the future, whether dd will ever get a reliable job, my health, dh's health. Worry is like a rocking chair, it keeps you busy but doesn't get you anywhere. I like the pp's idea of taking videos on walks - or maybe just photos. It's hard to enjoy life with all the worry - I guess it has to be the small joys - small everyday things. I used to follow the Miracle Morning routine and found that a good way of settling me for the day ahead - then I got out of the habit due to life changes but thinking I should restart that. It's hard though when we are relentlessly bombarded with bad news about the future.

Why haven't you had a holiday for 8 years?

If you're kids are in their 30s you've not been financially responsible for them for a decade.

I know costs are rising but two people at the end of their careers working full time who own their own home should have some disposable income. Have you properly looked at your incoming and outgoings?

Can you downsize and free up some equity?

Just a crazy suggestion... could you look into retiring abroad with your husband somewhere with a cheaper CofL and better healthcare?

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I think 60 is a big milestone - I'm not there yet but it feels a bit scary as I hurtle towards it.

IIWY I would try HRT again - anxiety is a massive menopause symptom and mine improved once I got the right dose.

There's nothing you can do about your boys except keep keeping in touch, as you have been, but you should congratulate yourself on having adults who are fully launched into the world and supporting themselves - that's a huge achievement and many people still have adult kids living with them. Can you arrange to go and see them more often?

Being broke is horrible. Can you increase your income or decrease your outgoings? That's the only way to improve the financial situation. Or downsize?

I also think you should find things that bring you happiness or joy and do more of them if you can. Reading is free, so are many galleries. Do you have good friends? Could you see more of them?

Thank you, I honestly believe a hug is so good. Life isn't perfect, we all have hard things to deal with. At this very moment just looking how my cat is clutching their paws makes me smile.