AIBU to feel hurt my husband has ignored our anniversary?

[BabaandBearsMama]

I'm feeling quite sad today, it's our 10 year anniversary next week and my husband hasn't mentioned anything. We usually go away for the night and go for dinner but this year absolutely nothing. He didn't even remember it was our anniversary until I mentioned something else being 10 years ago last week. He's not the type to suprise me.

I don't want a huge song and dance, but I feel like building a life and a family together for 10 years is something to celebrate. We went away for a holiday to celebrate our 10 year dating anniversary 6 years ago so I thought we'd do something similar for our 10th wedding anniversary.

I'm feeling burnt out looking after a 3 and 5 year old, have family caring responsibilities, work full time and have an autoimmune disease that I have to manage. I've had a hugely difficult few months and feel unappreciated at home. I would like to not have to organise this too so I haven't. But now there's nothing planned and I feel so sad he didn't think to do anything.

I know I can just go and say to him we should do something but I think I need him to be the one to say he wants to celebrate us. I don't know how it got to this, we used to be so close before the kids but it feels like we're living different lives now. How did I become this cliché?

Why cant you ask him and plan something together?

Sounds like you are picking an argument in advance of something that’s not happened yet

For the love of god speak to him! You’re offended over something that hasn’t even happened yet!! If you want to mark the occasion then speak to him and tell him!! I’d love to go away to celebrate our 10 year anniversary let’s book something! 🤦🏻‍♀️
Before we got engaged DH and I had joked about who proposes to who and I was very clear and said you’ve been married before I haven’t! I want you down on one knee with a ring and that’s exactly what I got!!

I understand, OP.

On our tenth wedding anniversary my 'D'H was working away, leaving me at home with our five very small children for weeks at a time. I sent a card to where he was staying and waited for his weekend home. I thought he might bring me some flowers - he hadn't sent a card or anything.

Nothing. I asked if he got the card, he said 'oh yes, thanks'. That was him marking the day. It really was the beginning of the end for me.

2 and 5 year old here and we both totally forgot the anniversary last 2 years tbh - no idea how you have time to remember dates 🤣 I’m impressed

but why are you not organising something ? Why is it up to him?

Is it only his job to plan an anniversary surprise? What have you arranged for it?

Ffs. He hasn't ignored your anniversary, it hasn't happened yet. You're deliberately martyring yourself by not saying anything and feeling sad with a week to go!

Sorry but why it it your DH responsibility to organise it ? Both of you were there for the wedding - Just speak to him. Your DH may have many endearing qualities but I suspect being psychic isn’t one of them. He may be thinking you don’t want to go away as you have the you kids and are feeling low / burnt out. This is equally as you issue as a him issue so I’m afraid you ABU if you haven’t spoken to him about what you want.

I really dont get these types of posts... why havent you said "what shall we do for our anniversary?" Also...its not even happened yet!!

Omg have a discussion with him

The anniversary isn’t till next week! What are you planning for it? Why on earth haven’t you talked to him?

The question is why isn't he taking to me about it? Why hasn't he said anything? Why is this yet another thing that falls onto me to do? It's too late to book a night away or arrange childcare for dinner or take time off work.

We have had years when we didn't celebrate because we had small babies, but we always spoke about it beforehand.

Let me see if I've got this right. You're mad at him because he hasn't brought it up or discussed with you how you may celebrate it, yet you also have not brought it up or had a conversation about how you could celebrate it???

Honestly it sounds like you're just looking for an argument here. You're a grown up acting like a moody teenager playing mind games.

It's not your anniversary yet, so it's ridiculous to say that he is "ignoring" it.
If you want to go away, why can't you just discuss it with him.... that's what a long-term married couple does, surely?

For goodness sake, speak to him! Life is too short for passive aggressive resentment - speak up! People who get what they want usually do because they ask or at least make clear explicitly what they want.

Tell him you'd like to celebrate your 10 year anniversary and ask his input into how to do that.

It's in your head anyway, so it's nothing for you to "do" to actually mention it?
Would it kill you to say "i would like for you to organise something for us"?

He's not the type to suprise me.
it might have been nice, for you, to have someone who would go all out in crazy surprise celebrations, but he's not that man. You know that.

Just talk? You are making a martyr of yourself and you are spoiling your own celebration.

You want something organised, you don't want to have to do it yourself, fine. TELL HIM.

I get it @BabaandBearsMama - you feel like you’re shouldering all the mental load and he’s doing the bare minimum and well less than half.

Rather than stewing until the day why don’t you ask what he has planned and if it’s nothing a) explain why you find that upsetting and b) what you’d like from him. Then see if he comes through next year. If he doesn’t there are no excuses…

With great bloody bells on. “DH, let’s do something nice to celebrate our anniversary, what do you fancy?” We have this conversation every year, one or other of us starts it and depending on timings, finances, kids, work, we agree to do small gifts, a meal, bigger gifts, one year we decorated the house. Talk to him!

I wonder if there’s a crossover between the women who insist on waiting on a proposal and refuse to suggest or organising anniversary celebrations. If you want to do things then say so. Sitting in preemptive sadness like a martyr is unnecessary.

But it is also your anniversary you mention it, dropping hints and waiting to "get him" is a bit immature, it has probably just slipped his mind! I am 30 anniversaries in we often forget until nearer the time when the date clicks!

He can’t ignore something that hasn’t happened. If you’re overburdened with domestic responsibilities, address that. Don’t turn your anniversary into some occasion of gigantic importance which is supposed to compensate for being ill, overburdened etc.

Hey, I'm booking the Tuesday & Wednesday off for our anniversary next month. Can you do the same? Ask your mum & dad if they can have the kids. Oh, you have done? Great. Where shall we go?

Young kids and being ill is hard Op you feel like you are swimming in sludge, but if your husband is a decent person his mind is probably elsewhere in the mix of kids and life too. Just remind him.