To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

Some of it was unpaid admittedly as he didn't have enough " holiday hours"

She works one and a half days per week.

I doubt it would be an issue.

She may not even be in that job next year if it doesn’t suit her university schedule.

My company has young people who are with us part time leave and come back. Sometimes a better fit comes up, sometimes they are looking for full time hours over the summer, sometimes they want to travel. If they are good workers, we are more than happy to have them back. It’s just the nature of employing part time students.

Students working part time are still entitled to holidays.

I had lots of jobs when I was at university. I certainly wasn’t thinking or worrying about holidays a year in advance. Plans change and opportunities arise.

You’ve taken issue with literally every single thing the OP has said, and hasn’t said. The OP has already confirmed that holidays aren’t an issue.

She's an 18 year old with a partime job about to go off to university, essentially an adult now, she's not a 12 year old sitting opening only a colouring book on Christmas morning while her half siblings get a Nintendo DS, a TV and a bike each instead. You'd like to think someone at that stage of their life is mature enough to work out that; yes, younger children in a household will be getting money spent on them regularly, especially since those siblings have their own mother in that household, who can freely spend their money on them.

If my older children try and point score or keep track on what I spend on their younger brother when they're all but adults I'll be deeply disappointed in them.

My children are 24, 22 and18 and would all jump at the chance to go to Disney Wolrd/ Orlando again.

Nope.

"Child Maintenance stops if your child starts studying an ‘advanced’ course, such as a university degree or BTEC Higher National Certificate, or if a course is paid for by an employer."

gov.uk

When OP’s biological children are 18 I very much expect the holiday will be tailored by OP to make sure both of them want to go.

Why? Myself and others on here say we choose where we want to go and ask them if they want to come or now.

With our own biological children

This in spades!!
The double exclamation mark can mean whatever anyone cares to make of it...no need to tell me though!!

I wouldn’t even reply. Do you need this woman contacting you. If the step daughter is 18 then you can block her mother now surely ?

Her mum shouldn't be messaging you like this, however I see why she is asking. Your DSD has probably not had an expensive Disney holiday herself, due to her parents divorcing, and her mum probably sees her as being treated less favourably than dad's other children. I would give her some money towards a holiday with friends which will be a lot less than Disney. I see it as less about the money and more about making her feel important to her dad who has, in her eyes, replaced her with new children. Or, could he take her away by himself so she gets some quality time with him and is treated to a holiday/short break she will enjoy. It's a bit harsh to offer her Disney and say well she chose not to come when the choice of destination was clearly all about the younger children and not her.

That's interesting .
Are they all full siblings /half/step.
Blended family or single mum ?
All live together reasonably get on ? .
And quite close in ages.

My two would like to go although there are of course amazing parks across the world that many argue are better ! But mine roughly get on ,as a family we are one whole family with no outsiders and mine are close ish age. ..my family isn't relevant to the ops step daughter at all ...is yours ?

Weird isn't it. You seen this , I do...many others do as well !

OP has already said step daughter has been before.

Shes still in full time education though. I’m not talking about tit for tat adding up £1 here are there but if dc2 and 3 are routinely being brought things, treated to meals out, being bought theme park tickets over £1000 each and 18 year old is getting nothing from her dad especially at a particularly expensive time of life going off to uni that’s got to make his eldest feel overlooked. It’s not the girl herself who has raised it but her mum.

A holiday isn't about the money, its about making memories and if she doesn't want to go then that's that. However, I do feel the holiday is entirely geared towards the younger kids In the family. Im not even sure if a 14 year old is too old for Disney considering she will be 15 by the time you go if it were me I would have booked a holiday that all 3 would have enjoyed

I can’t see Op replied when the holiday was?
Is it at a time the dsd could go bearing in mind uni dates aren’t same as school hols.

Exactly this OP.

This is really the heart of the issue, and all the hot air about whether teens do or don't, should or shouldn't like Disney, whether she is or isn't working or able to afford her own trip, or able get time off etc etc is all beside the point.

For whatever reason, the Dsd feels the trip doesn't work for her, and many pps can think of lots of reasons why an 18 year old might not want to be away for three weeks over summer at Disney.

I don't think you need to give her a mathematically equivalent amount, but I do think, for the sake of parity, it would be appropriate for her father to offer to take her somewhere more catered to her interests, or offer a token amount in lieu.

These issues tend not to be about the money per se, as much as about a sense of parity. It would be no good offering a 10 year an Iggle Piggle or Bluey plush toy like their 4 year old sibling then saying "Oh well, that's what was offered. If you turn it down, that's on you. You get nothing then. Serves you right for rejecting what was on offer."

I expect that's how this feels from the DD's and her Mum's perspective, and her mum has spoken out because she doesn't want her DD feeling that way within that branch of the family. That isn't as outrageous as people are making out.

I suddenly feel very spilt here but I would have offered the money anyway, or at least a good chunk of it. I have family in California and went to visit them several times, sometimes we met in Florida as well. When I was 18, I didn’t go to California but my parents paid for my girls holiday. California was generally a good value holiday for us, we paid for flights and spending money but stayed with family so no accommodation costs. I didn’t ask for the money, my parents kindly offered. Mind you this was 2002 and my holiday was about £300.

And that's a good point: the mum has only had to ask because the girl's Dad didn't offer in the first place, which several pps have said they would have done

I find it hard to think what I would have done in terms of money in lieu as truthfully we always choose trips that appeal to the whole family, because for me that's what a family holiday is for.

I find it hard to think what I would have done in terms of money in lieu as truthfully we always choose trips that appeal to the whole family, because for me that's what a family holiday is for.

If all of your children but one wanted to go to Disney, then they would never get that experience because the holiday needs to appeal to every single one of them?

That’s sad.

I have 3 children and they well understand that not every day out, or holiday, will be centered around them individually. That’s just the reality of having multiple children.

Well we have done it when they were all peak Disney age.

But I guess if we had one who really had not wanted to at that age, then we would have either not gone, or organised something to cater to them as well.

And the "that's sad" comment applies far less to children not going to |Disney and on a different family holiday instead ( I mean you don't HAVE to go; plenty of people can't stand it) than it does to a teen feeling the family holiday is being planned around her Dad's new family.

Yanbu. If SD wants to go on holiday with her mates she can fund it. She declined to go on the holiday she was invited on. Not like she's been left out.

Then agan, is it really a new family when they’ve been a family for 15 years…?

It’s likely all she can remember.

She has, read her replies, she's said theyr not contributing

New as in subsequent... The DD hails from her father's previous relationship.

It is disingenuous to pretend a lot of dc don't have sensitivity around feeling replaced.