AIBU to think my friend’s constant judgement reflects her unhappiness?

[dancingmammoths]

I have a friend who I have been friends with since we're 10 years old. She has, on the outside, done well- good job, 2 lovely children, she married into quite a wealthy family with lots of assets though I understand it's not always easy with her DH. The problem is she incessantly judges other people.

She'll either say oh I don't like this person, she's terrible with the kids/ is lazy/ enter whatever, she puts her husband's relatives down, comments on other people's appearances and even on the number of children people have?!

I love her dearly and she is a good person but this is becoming increasinly grating. Someone said the other day "Happy people aren't judgemental". Do you think this is true? Shall I tell her?

I’d wonder what she’s saying about you behind your back given her judgements of so many other people. She may be unhappy but it’s a choice to be so horrible about people.

Everyone is judgemental. You’re judging your friend right now. The thing is, she trusts you enough to say it. Tell her not to, and she can hide it from you.

No, I don't agree. I don't go around saying that people are "ugly", for example (which my friend once said), or things like that. I'm wondering what might be driving those comments as it's totally unneccessary and I don't like the negativity (whilst I do like my friend, who is loyal and has many redeeming features)

Oh dear, I've not even thought of this!! Maybe she does- I doubt it though

She's schadenfreudig. And yes, often putting others down is a way of convincing herself she's doing better.
If it's a new thing, try and check on her.
If it's not, why is it an issue now? Nod, ignore, change the subject. Or gently put her straight, take the Pollyanna approach each and every time. Glass half full, half empty, yin yang ☯️.
Have you just grown apart or was she always like this and you tolerated it, because it sounds like you have the ick now!

Fgs don't say 'Happy people aren't judgemental' to her. Sounds so pious (and judgemental!) and what do you hope for in reply? An admission and outpouring of her unhappiness? Or an abrupt and awkward end to the conversation?

If she makes specific comments you deem unacceptable e.g. criticising looks, then you can address those as they come up, making your counter argument, but some of the things you mention are sometimes just what people like to goss about when they get together. You don't, fair enough, but some people like a bitching session and it's just letting off steam. There's plenty of it on here and let's not pretend we're all angels who never judge each other's parenting etc.

If she's so into it and you're really not, then dial the friendship down and if she asks why, then you could bring up the negativity and say why it bothers you. But to make some big pronouncement like you're the priest of #BeKind won't help.

Yeah i think it's true to some extent.
I find myself doing this sometimes and when I notice it I make the effort not to, because I recognise that having that constant negative mindset is really unhealthy (and not very nice to be around!)

Yes I think so, I have a family member like this, she’s so horrible at times, judges everyone and finds some little thing to focus on , to make her self feel superior.

in reality she’s a signifant weight issue and lots of health issues and is simply unhappy and it makes her jealous and resentful of others, so she puts them down, to their face. It sort of bursts out of her, like she’s no filter, and she’s an enormous temper, which has a low flashpoint.

is she judgey yes, is it because of her own issues, yes, I don’t think thay makes it acceptable though, or excusable. If you behave like a cunt and know it, then you should bloody stop. And what makes it worse, is it’s nearly always other women,

Thank you, I think the Pollyanna approach might be just the right thing to do! She's always been like this to a certain extent, but even more so in recent years.

No, I really don't think I'm the queen of BeKind, not at all. I just think it's pretty low to call people ugly etc behind their backs, I think it reflects poorly on the speaker. I think as you say I'll just counter it when she says something like this in the future.

You haven’t realised she’s also judging you? Why would you be exempt?!

I agree it’s unpleasant to hear someone be called ugly. Even though one knows the person is ugly. So I guess your friend doesn't find that kind of truth hard to face. Personally, I can never watch horror films of true crime things.. maybe she can. She might be made of tougher stuff.

And you are judging her

Well yes, calling people names and shaming them for all kind of things isn't exactly nice.

I kind of thought I'm exempt but maybe (probably) I'm not 😂Maybe as you say, she's made of tougher stuff, who knows.

I heard a good phrase a few weeks ago - “every criticism is a confession”

Sorry I'm thick 😭 but I don't get it

Everything she comments on about other people are the things she doesn’t like about herself. Shes putting other people down to make herself feel better.

My parents were like your friend. Everyone was ripped apart - even their own brothers and sisters and friends. I am absolutely certain it was their way of dealing with a feeling of inferiority they'd carried with them since childhood. I was raised to be the same.

One day (not until I was in my 20s though) I realised I didn't have to be like it. Didn't have to criticise everyone. Bloody hell, the relief of just saying/thinking nothing was immense. It made me feel better.

From then on, if they criticised people I'd just say, 'Oh, do you think?' or 'Is that right?'. Just bland pushing to one side really. They didn't even need me to respond really - they just needed to get it out there. I just got on with my own life and was much happier.

Years later, after they'd both died, I learned from other sources that they'd talked about me behind my back for years. I was so happy with my life by then that it didn't even upset or surprise me.