Single parent and feel immensely guilty about feelings

[Y19s]

To put it bluntly I’ve not had sex for almost 5 years. Ds is 4.

I am 38 (nearly 39) now and feel really sad about this. Not been with DS’s dad since ds was born but did give it a go with him for a year or so, it didn’t go well, a line has definitely been drawn and now we co parent ok. I am very much a single parent though as ex only really sees ds on weekends.

I just feel SO guilty having any sort of feelings for anyone. At one point I thought I would never feel attracted to anyone again. Recently I’ve started to have those feelings for someone I’ve met through work (though not at work). I doubt it will go anywhere as I’ve no idea if even feels the same, but it just made me feel a bit sad recently that anytime I thought of this person I felt terribly guilty. Like I wasn’t focussing on ds. I never felt like this with ex because he is DS’s dad. But I just feel like I’m almost saying ds isn’t enough by having any feelings for a man like this.

Sorry, this is so rambling. I hope one day ds will have a full life and family of his own and I suppose part of me wonders what that looks like for me if I have nobody significant in it. I also feel sad that I don’t have a relationship… I absolutely don’t need one and I’m very self sufficient but I have always enjoyed relationships in the past.

I am not sure what I’m asking really. I don’t even masterbate anymore as again I feel so guilty about it with a lovely tiny boy asleep in the house. Not sure why I’m asking really, I’d just love to not feel this way.

You've thrown yourself fully at motherhood, but you are more than a mother.
You are allowed to have sexual urges, and to want someone to enjoy life with in a different way.
Whilst your little boy is lovely, im sure! He is a little boy, who may come to feel claustrophobic as he grows up if he ever senses that he is all you have, or feel you need.

Please try to see that as long as your DS needs remain paramount, you can, and should have relationships and time to yourself- however you fit it in because time flies, it really does, by 12 or 13 he will want to be out a lot with friends, and you will find yourself incredibly lost or he will feel guilty and miss out on friendships.

You sound like a lovely, committed mum but somewhere along the line, your thinking has become a bit warped! You are more than just a mum and it is perfectly acceptable to have feelings for other people, and to want a bit more out of life.
Presumably your son stays with your ex sometimes. Can’t you use that time to go on a few dates, just to get your experience up? It needn’t be anything heavy, so don’t overthink it. Just a bit of fun to lift your confidence.

Thanks for replies. He never stays with ex, ex’s choice. He does spend a lot of time with him some weekends though. So I suppose technically I would have a few hours to date or invite someone over if it progressed.

I used to really enjoy dating and felt attractive and whilst I don’t feel I’ve changed that much, I do know I am not as carefree as I once was. I can’t imagine not having half my mind on ds for example. I also don’t want him to ever think I was in search of something other than him. I feel bad even swiping on dating apps!

Presumably you wouldn’t feel bad spending time with friends, so there’s really no difference.
I think part of the problem is actually that there are no overnights. You literally have no life outside of your son xx Could you revisit this with your ex? Now that your son is going to be starting school, it would be a good habit to get into.
As I said, you sound fab and your son is lucky to have you. But I honestly think it would be worth unpicking some of these feelings with a counsellor. Think of it as an investment in your mental health, which will equip you to be the best person/mum you can be. Because how you’re feeling at the moment is understandable, but at the same time it’s not healthy to carry this guilt around.
I’m wondering if there is also more to it, such as a feeling of guilt that you are no longer with your son’s father. Not that you should feel guilty at all! But potentially worth exploring. I’m also curious to know what your own mother was like!

And a ‘few hours to date’ is not the same as an overnight. You need that time to relax and just breathe. Ex needs to get his finger out, as the current arrangement is most unfair.

Ex lives a few hours away so if he was to have ds overnight it would be in a hotel while he was staying for the weekend. I would feel terrible making ds do that. I have thought about then going camping which ex says he wants to do at some point so I think when ds is bigger they will do more trips like that (ex not short of money).

It’s more me. I could definitely get him to have ds longer or even for a few nights here and there if he took annual leave. I just never do it. I don’t want to be alone but I feel every waking moment should be about ds

I don’t think anything we say is really going to help or make a difference. I mean this kindly, but you seem quite fixed in your mindset re the guilt and not having a life outside of your son.
If it were me, I’d line up a few coffee dates while he’s at school or with his dad. Just have fun with it. Life’s too short to spend it martyring! And with the dating scene as it is, you’ll end up pissed off and jaded with it before long anyway 😜
Best of luck.

Mines 7, and I've been single since he came along. He does spend full weekends at his dads sometimes and I did have a very casual thing going briefly when he first started staying over but realised I didn't enjoy it like I used to. And I mean the whole scenario rather, the sex was actually pretty good and we got on well so I've never really been able to explain it, but it wasn't worth giving up that precious free time for. On reflection I do think part of that was because I felt like you do though. Nothing to say advice wise as I've no desire to meet someone now, I'm far too happy as I am to mess with it, but I just wanted to say you're not the only one to feel like that!