AIBU to raise boys’ changing room bullying with the school?

[EagerLion]

My DS is 12 and he came to me yesterday to tell me he’s worried for the start of school going into year 8. At first he just told me about what I expected, which was the usual- more work, worried about more expectations, unsure about what it will be like etc. He’s rather anxious innately (he’s got mild autism) so social situations aren’t his favourite, but obviously something he will have to get used to.

However, he told me about how he is worried for PE and sport because he hates getting changed. I asked about it and he told me there are a group of boys that immediately start fighting as soon as the teacher leaves them to it, they act feral. One boy always slaps other peoples bums because he thinks it’s funny. The biggest thing he told me though was there is a group of them that will randomly try to pull other peoples underwear down so that they can laugh at the others willy and make comments. This happened to my son before the summer holidays and he’s worried about it for when they go back to school. I know I need to bring this up with the school but my son is extremely scared to have the spotlight on him with this and so I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. It’s harassment and bullying for those that have to deal with it every time they get changed and it needs to stop. I was chatting to my friend about it and she sort of brushed it off as ‘boys will be boys’ and said ‘they’re just messing around, they’ve all got willies so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about’. Honestly I was a bit upset by this mindset. I just don’t know how best to go about the situation.

Absolutely talk to the school. And your friend is a total fool - it's attitudes like hers that mean these issues will always exist.

Not acceptable.

Your son has told you as he wants this to stop. You have to act on his behalf to make sure this doesn’t happen to him again.

Totally agree.

Of course you need to talk to the school. There will be no other space in the school where a class (or even half a class) of children would be left unsupervised. The school needs to make arrangements to monitor behaviour in the changing rooms

Speak to the school, the boys are doing it to other children too so it won't be known it was you who told the school.
How awful for your son. I hate the "boys will be boys" comments, it's bullying and harrssment and exactly what leads to toxic masculinity.

I would consider this a sexual assault. The fact that they are all boys and in a changing room does not change that. Absolutely raise it with the school and insist it is dealt with properly. “Boys will be boys” is nonsense. Boys, as much as girls, need to learn to respect other people and behave appropriately.

It's sexual assault and harassment.

It's not just goofing around.

Normalising at this age has consequences in terms of what men think is acceptable.

Read the riot act to the school. They are not safeguarding.

Ask the school to have the teacher stay in the changing room

I'd be flagging it to the safeguarding lead as it crosses the boundary into sexual assault. Emails are normally monitored through the holidays although in this case, you won't see immediate practical follow-up, it does give opportunity for review of the situation ready for term starting.

With your son being worried about reporting it, the summer is a good cool-down period where it's not fresh and reactive. It's a less personal time.

He should feel safe while getting changed and he has done the right thing to flag it up.

Definitely report. I was on a school residential as a teacher where a boy pulled another boy’s trousers and pants down and we took it extremely seriously. It is sexual assault.

You could do so anonymously from an email address they don’t have perhaps if you are worried about repercussions for your son? The school should have a safeguarding email address on their website. However if it’s happened to multiple people in front of lots of people it could be anyone who has reported it so shouldn’t be traceable back to your son.

I think you know already that you need to be reporting this to the school as you obviously care deeply for your son.

The alternative is leaving a 12 year old boy to try and deal with being bullied on his own.

Also the behaviour of those boys needs sorting and quickly.

Boys will be boys what a fucking nonsense .left unchecked these little miscreants will get worse as they get older and their attentions will switch to female pupils.

I'm a secondary school teacher and you absolutely should report this to the school as a safeguarding issue.

Pulling someone's pants down is classed as sexual assault and needs to be taken incredibly seriously. The boys will see it as 'just having a laugh' but they need to be educated as to the seriousness of what they are doing and why it is inappropriate.

I would email the Head of Year for both Year 7 and 8, copying in the school's DSL (the DSL is usually one of the Deputy Heads - it should tell you on the school's website).

You need to tell them the following information:

1. Which boys are involved (I would stress to your son that the school are not going to tell the boys who reported their behaviour, so he will be safe in revealing their identities. It will only be possible for the school to act if they know who the perpetrators are, so he does need to name them)
2. What the behaviour looks like
3. When and where this behaviour happened, and how often

Say in your email that you understand it's the holidays and there's nothing they can do now, but you want a response and action as soon as term begins as your son does not feel safe going into the changing rooms.

Year 7 boys can be incredibly immature and certainly in my school, sexual harassment/consent would not be covered in PSHE yet at that age - we tend to introduce that more in Year 8/9 - so they probably won't have had any real education or discussion around these issues in school and may not understand that what they are doing is crossing a serious boundary. These boys need talking to about boundaries and consent and this is the job of the Head of Year - which is why emailing the outgoing Head of Year 7 and the incoming Head of Year 8 is the best course of action.

I would ask for reassurance from the HOYs that this will happen, and also information about how the PE department intends to monitor the changing rooms to prevent this from happening again in future. Obviously staff can't be present in the changing rooms when the children are getting changed, but there should be a clear strategy to prevent bullying in that space.

I'm really sorry that your son has experienced this, but please don't worry about contacting the school - they will have to take this seriously and your son will not be identified as the person who has reported the behaviour.

Very few teachers would consent to this as it leaves them vulnerable too.
But it does need addressing.

You must absolutely raise this with the school - it’s a safeguarding issue and probably sexual assault. As it is happening to multiple boys it shouldn’t be traced back to your DS. The school need an adult present in the changing room at all times plus the perpetrators need to be swiftly dealt with.

I have a DS going into Y7 and I’d be furious if this happened to him - but equally if he was doing this to other boys.

Report it to the school. If they don't act to stop it, then kick up all kinds of stink with the head, governors, local media, etc. It's tolerating this kind of thing that causes bullying in schools to get out of control. You are definitely not being unreasonable. Anyone who says "it's just boys" or whatever is almost certainly a bully themselves.

Thank you, I appreciate the advice about how to go about it. I absolutely will be dealing with this to prevent it happening to him or other boys again. It was moreso how to go about it

Definitely speak to the school.

I really don't understand how in this world of understanding about safeguarding; children aren't entitled to privacy when they disrobe? There needs to be changing cubicles in school locker rooms. And communal showers need banning. If they still happen.

Kids are being SA'd and just losing their dignity all over the place if this is how it's set up.

Yeah it does confuse my quote a lot. I have always felt the same about boys toilets too as my son hates urinals and apparently boys get made fun of for using cubicles to do a wee

Just to add as well to the posters saying that a member of staff needs to be present in the changing rooms while the children are getting changed - this is absolutely not appropriate as it is also a safeguarding risk for obvious reasons.

A member of staff should never be in the changing rooms with children while they are in the process of getting changed unless there is a genuine emergency that requires their immediate presence to ensure the safety of a child (i.e. a health emergency or fire evacuation).

Yeah, urinals?! Like why would someone have to get their junk out next to several complete strangers! I guess it normalises teasing about penis size etc. the fact they have the opportunity to see each other so easily!

I didn’t know teachers aren’t allowed in changing rooms anymore, but surely this shows pupils were safer when they did

So how can the school guarantee safeguarding if they won't "police" what activities happen in changing rooms? It makes no sense at all!

Yeah I don’t get it. I wouldn't want to wee being able to be seen by another stranger that’s for sure

Boys have been suspended at the secondary i work at fir similar.Irs classed as sexual assault and one pupils parent contacted the police who cane into school to speak to the boy and his parent.