AIBU to want my husband more involved and to feel like a team?

[LookingForHopeAndInspiration]

My husband works full time, works hard, he can cook and will do sometimes, he will do the cleanup sometimes (not to my standard but appreciate it's better than nothing). I am rarely sitting about doing nothing when he ia doing this, usually doing washing or something with the kids or at work myself.

I work 25hrs (condensed my full time hours as trial and still do much the same work), and take on the majority of typical household tasks, i.e. housework, responsibilty for kids (default parent if any issues at school or for appts) only if I'm actually sick will my husband maybe decide to put washing on. I think he has maybe cleaned the toilet twice in 12 years we have lived here.

The problem is I am the ONLY one concerned about looking after finances (he won't even look at his bank account - he knows he's rubbish so leaves me to do it and our pay goes into a joint account), monitoring appointments for kids, planning anything for the future or even weekends. He completely checks out with his game on his phone when he comes home. He may stop to play with kids or talk if I get on at him but if his hands are free he will have split attention between me and his phone. Honestly I don't feel like our home is a fun place to be but that is my perspective because I feel like there is no adult conversation. I have spoken to him and asked him to be involved with things but there is always an issue, he's too tired, about to go to work, just home etc. I expect that bed time would be a time to unwind and catch up with eachother but by the time I get the kids settled he is on an ipad and sighs and rolls eyes saying he is trying to get to sleep, when I try to talk so have just stopped bothering. Unless ofc we have spoken about having sex, when he will lie there waiting for me. There is nothing that makes it feel more like a chore after that.

Looking for hope and inspiration. AIBU wanting him to be involved with these things? He does work hard but so do I. Getting resentful over here and not sure whether I need to reframe how I look at it?

He’s addicted to screens. He needs a tech detox.

I know people hate this response, but my thoughts are you would be happier single, your kids would be happier to not live in this joyless home existence, and I would be looking to see if it was possible financially/logistically.
as for him changing, no, that’s impossible, he’s checked out, and the only person who can literally effort in, if he wanted to, is him. He doesn’t, so you can’t force him.
all you can do is presented with the options decide what works best for you and your dc.

Neither of you sound happy tbh. You may be happier apart (assuming you can afford to live on your salary and CM)

No advice but came here to say your not alone, me & DH are pretty much the same, he doesn’t “see” the mess. We both work full on in our own businesses and have three young DC, I’ve been weighing up to leave or stay for the time being I’ve decided to learn to live with it rather than ripping the family apart. I’ve hired a clear that helps a bit. I’m not sure what you can do if he’s not willing to engage and communicate about it.

Just to give my experience for both op and @Farmwifefarmlife
Im 50 now, have about 10 female friends around my age who I know well. 8 of them do not like their husbands. 2 of us did divorce and are very happy we did so. 6 stayed together ‘for the kids’, made that decision about a decade ago, and every single one of them regrets it. They feel they can’t leave now (kids exams) so are hanging on till uni. They wish they’d made the break when they could.

Book some couple therapy maybe ?

can you sit down and chart all the tasks needed to run a home in an average week as a visual timetable and colour code them for a typical week

and then after a week you colour in all the tasks you did that week to and show him the chart as absolute evidence proof he us a lazy shite

everything you have done is in red and everything he has done in blue

stick it on the fridge with a revised plan how things will run in the future - next to it a number for a divorce lawyer

Team work doesn’t necessarily mean equal chores. DH works around 20 hours more a week than I do in a very stressful job and is also a fibromyalgia sufferer. I also get school holidays off. I take on most of the housework shopping etc. He does finances and mows the lawn (except when he’s in huge amounts of pain and either it gets left to grow or one of our dads will feel sorry for the cat getting lost in it and come and mow it for us!) He’ll chuck a load of washing on if he’s off work (I’d rather he didn’t as he doesn’t do it the way I like but he’s trying so I don’t complain!) washing up etc. But it mostly falls to me. We’ll occasionally get pissy with each other thinking we each do more but when we sit down and work it out rationally it’s more even.
He's complained once or twice about the way I’ve done things and I’ve told him if he’s not happy he can do it himself and he’s never mentioned it again!

My friend says this about her husband but from the outside, it seems like he never really is part of a team. He is either her enthusiastic assistant or not a team player at all.

By that I mean this is how conversations I've witnessed between them goes:

Her: Do you think Poppy should go to a childminder or nursery?

Him: I went to a CM, it was a really good experience for me and I prefer a homely environment for her.

Her: Nursery is better because x,y,z. CMs are inferior because of 1,2,3.

Him: OK, I always preferred CMs.

Her: doesn't stop drilling him with reasons until he agrees with her

Him: OK, nursery is best.

Another one:

Her: Make lunch for Kiddo while I am out with Lexy

Him: OK.

Her: What you going to make?

Him: This thing that is nutritious and liked by child as we have the other thing for dinner.

Her: instructs him to do alternative but similarly sufficient meal instead

There is no teamwork with him. It's just her telling him what he should do and think and deciding everything about their kids. He is either seen as cooperative when he agrees, or uncommited and selfish when he doesnt. Ive discussed this with her but this is how she is in relationships. Not with friends.

I am rarely sitting about doing nothing
One strategy is to match his 'sitting'. Just sit on the sofa. Sooner or later, something will need to be done (DC needing feeding or putting to bed etc.), at which point you ask him which of you is going to do it. If you get up, make a mental note and remind him it is his turn the next time something needs doing.
Repeat the next day, and the next, until the balance has shifted.

This way you are not attempting to measure who is doing what tasks, you are measuring how much 'time off' you each get - the latter is easier.

But you can only take this approach if you are prepared to let the housework and everything else go to pieces, so that only absolute essentials get done for a good long while. Could you bear to see that?

I am the ONLY one concerned about looking after finances (he won't even look at his bank account - he knows he's rubbish
Count that as a win. Far better to have all the control than to have no control and feel like you are being kept in the dark and potentially financially abused.

monitoring appointments for kids, planning anything for the future or even weekends.
It is very hard to drop the mental load where the kids health is concerned. There are no answers to that.
You can drop planning family activities. Do what you want to do with the kids, and leave him at home, but only do things that you yourself really want to do.

He completely checks out with his game on his phone [...] I feel like there is no adult conversation. I have spoken to him and asked him to be involved with things [...] by the time I get the kids settled
Why is it always you who settles the children? What would happen if you simply didn't get up off the sofa and told him to go and see to them?

he is on an ipad [...] Unless ofc we have spoken about having sex, when he will lie there waiting for me. There is nothing that makes it feel more like a chore after that.

You are conflating two different things here: wanting him to be involved with the chores, children, and family life on the one hand, and on the other wanting him to engage with you as an adult and put some effort into your relationship.
Either way, he is on his phone or iPad and checked out, but you need to be clear what the main issue is: do you want more practical input into the home, or are you lonely in the relationship and looking for more time together as adults instead of parents.

Have you lost your identity as an adult, separate from being a parent?

The bottom line is that you can't change him, it is not possible to make someone change. You can only change yourself. Match his energy; sit on the sofa beside him and do no more than he does.
If that is not what you want, then divorce may be the inevitable result

Thanks for all the replies. It is good to get other perspectives.

I suppose it's not as though he is 100% checked out all of the time. It was particularly bad the last few weeks and I was feeling at the end of my tether so I wrote for some other points of view.

@Lexibletheflexible If I am totally honest I think I can be like this in certain situations, where I think I know better.

@StandingDeskDisco thanks for pointing that out. I didn't even realise I had confused the two. I am looking for more connection in our relationship which it seems when I feel starved of it, just breeds resentment and I nip at things that are not actually the root issue at all and that is helpful to no one! It's not asking for much but I have to be asking for the right thing. Honestly I don't mind looking after paperwork and housework but I do resent everything when I feel alone in it all/life. If all fails I'll match his energy 😄

It really isn't nice to see. In my friend's case, because this isn't something she does to everyone, it makes it seem like she thinks he is an idiot.

They don't have a good relationship. They arent really together. They just still go through the motions because they think their kids will suffer more if they split up.

@Lexibletheflexible No I agree, it's not nice at all. That's what I mean when I say I am by no means perfect and only one of my probably many flaws. If he were writing from his perspective people would be saying leave! she doesn't respect you etc...

You can change this by admitting it. You need to admit that you need to be part of a team/partnership because you can't do it all alone. Admit that you know you have made it difficult by undermining him and micromanaging his interactions with the kids, but you do want to stop doing this.

It will mean that if he says "the baby will be fine crying for 5 mins", you have to respect that, or split up so you can parent entirely your way when you have the kid(s). It means sometimes letting go of decisions and letting him make them. For example, if your husband is a teacher and therefore has to be at work on time and relatively early (same for nurse, doctor), AND you want them to 50% of drop offs, then they will have to have a nursery or CM that is reasonably located in terms of their workplace. That might not be your favourite montessori jungle school.