AIBU to stop two 12-year-olds sneaking out to the supermarket?

[LovingBlueDog]

My sons got his friend over for a sleep over. He came to my room and saw I was awake and cursed. They are both 12 and were going to sneak out at 11PM.
I told them both they weren’t going out to the supermarket this time if night. I explained that his friend is in my care and if something were to happen it would be on me.
they wanted to go to the super market over 20 mins walk away and down a dark lane. I have mobility issues so if they were to do it I wouldn’t be able to get up quickly enough to stop them so am currently sitting in a dining room chair at the front door.
I will be telling his parents tomorrow
am I being unreasonable

That’s sad for your kids. I hate it when grown adults impose their own weird beliefs on kids. Sleepovers are a fun part of childhood! Yes, it’s not much fun for the hosting parents, but that’s just life!

OP, YANBU, though no should mean no and you shouldn’t have had to guard the door. I wouldn’t snitch to the parents though.

If you're going to say something, make it along the lines: Just letting you know the boys cooked up a plan to sneak out at 11pm to go to X, but the plan was thwarted when they saw i was still up. To be safe, I sat up by the door for a couple of hours. I haven't asked why they wanted to go yet. Teens. 🙄

Don't make it overly serious.

I used to love sleepovers at my best friend's house. It was better than being at my house. We didn't sneak out anywhere though.

Why is it sad for my kids?
they don’t want to go and I don’t want to host them
it’s not a “part” of growing up for everyone like not everyone does gymnastics or horse riding..
my kids have lots of friends and see them to socialise and we’ve never felt the need to engage in this.

Are you 12 yourself?

OP deals with her own kid, lets other parent know they need to deal with theirs. Part of the trust you put in another parent when you let your kid stay with them is that they're going to let you know about what went on, not covering up or hiding things from you.

Kids have been sleeping over at their friends houses since the dawn of time. It’s not some new invention.
Its like kids have been playing over at friends houses long before we called them ‘play dates’.

Exactly. I’m 68 and regularly had sleepovers from around 7, but in those days, it was just an extension of going to tea with my best friend - we didn’t call things by daft names like play dates. My daughter went to hwr first sleepover at the start of Year 1, in about 1998, which wasn't at all uncommon. I think children really miss out if they can’t do things like this

It's not the sleepover as such, it's the sneaking about. If they were genuinely just wanting pop and sweets, I suspect they would have asked you.
If they were being sneaky because they suspected you would not let them go, that's just as bad.
I would definitely be having a conversation with the boys about the importance of trust in this situation.
As to whether I would tell the other parents, yes, I would. It shows where you draw the like and most decent parents would respect and appreciate that. You are the adult here.your house, your rules.

Those are the absolute worst parents. It’s never their children.

Exactly this, I am 44 and we had sleepovers with cousins and friends, we loved it. My dad had like 6-8 of my friends sleep over in the lounge and camping in his garden multiple times when I was between 12 and 16, mixed genders too (shock horror I know! Though always in groups and would have never of allowed a bf to stay over even at 17. Ha).
We had a great time. Though we were a good bunch and were more likely to be toasting marshmallows and telling ghost stories, than sneaking out.

I get why people are wary of sleepovers, but to question why kids would want it or parents would allow it, is daft. Even our youthclub used to do a movie night and sleepover once a year.

I just don't get threads like this.

I mean firstly, "AIBU to stop two 12 year olds from sneaking down a dark country lane at 11 o'clock at night?" has to be one of the daftest questions on this forum (and God knows there are some contenders), but to then bugger off and not come back to the thread after asking is even stranger.

Same. Sounds like really naughty boys to even think of doing this. They’re only 12, where have they got these ideas. Sounds like troublemakers

They’re only 12, where have they got these ideas. Sounds like troublemakers.

Going to Tesco late in the evening, presumably to buy snacks, is hardly a major crime. There are much worse things 12yos could be doing.

As I said earlier, it's the dark lane that's the issue. If the Tesco was 5min walk along a brightly lit street, I wouldn't see any harm in it.

Of course YANBU and YANBU to tell son’s friends parents either, I’d want to know if it was my child. If it was 11am that’s one thing but 11pm is far too late to be going out alone at that age, especially down dark roads.

I did similar at that age, but during the day. Friend and I really wanted to go swimming but our parents said no to us going on our own. Instead of being sensible and waiting (probably only a few days) for an adult to be able to take us, we decided to try and go on our own anyway. We obviously weren’t being very subtle, because my mum caught us before we’d even left the house.

I wouldn’t say they’re awful troublemakers, just 12 year olds pushing boundaries, getting silly ideas and not thinking through the risks at a time when they’re stsrting to get more independence. They won’t appreciate what a dumb idea it was now, but probably will a few years down the line.

Depends how old the OP is. I'd never heard of one growing up.

My sons had several sleepovers and enjoyed watching films with pizza, cola and sweets. I do think they're usually over them by High School at the age of 11/12.

You’re not being unreasonable, of course.

But contrary to some of the other advice, I’d avoid masses of punishment at this stage. It’s probably worth conversation about age appropriate activities, safety, and your responsibility as a parent for both him and other children who are visiting your home. If he wants some freedom, then chat about what that could reasonably look like. Where can he go, what time would he need to be back by, how far is too far, what would he do if something went wrong etc. 12 is obviously too young to go to the shop 20mins away at 11pm, but it’s not too young to go to a closer shop during the day for example.

If you’re worried they may have also been planning on shoplifting, that’s also worth a serious conversation about the ethics and the consequences of something like that.

If he’s willing to sneak out, I don’t think punishment will really change his behaviour, it’ll just make him sneakier. He needs to understand why the rules exist, not just be forced to stick to them.

You’d never heard of one child staying over at their friends house? We didn’t used to call them sleepovers, but they happened.

I don’t get all the people acting like these boys wanting to do this is just fine and the OP stopping them is being a misery. 12 year old children walking for 20 minutes down a dark lane at midnight, no.

And without telling her too!

Thanks to all the replies. I know some people have said I was OTT for sitting outside the front door but maybe I should have explained my son has diagnosed ADHD and Autism and is easily led by this friend as such I have banned him from coming over. His parents were furious with him and the dad made him apologise. I am glad they go to different high schools.
I allow my son to have sleepovers as my parents didn’t allow them when I was younger.
They had popcorn, chocolate, crisps and pop in my son’s room.