Problem ex-mil

[hairysnowfairy]

Hi mumsnet

I have an issue and I don’t know what to do.

I have a court order with my ex, our child is toddler age and goes to nursery. We don’t have any contact between us, all pick ups and drop offs go through nursery. Ex-pil are allowed to collect and drop off, and do so more often than not due to ex work commitments…

My ex-mil has always disliked me, despite my best efforts. When I was pregnant she suggested the baby was not my exes, absolutely no basis whatsoever and I find it insulting to this day as I’m not like that. The ex-pil then refused to have anything to do with or acknowledge the pregnancy, birth, or first year of my child’s life. They encouraged my ex not to pay maintenance, and made plenty of nasty remarks about me along the way.

Since they’ve been collecting, ex-mil keeps making nasty comments about me to nursery staff. Calling me disgusting, stating I am abusive, saying that my child is behaving strangely and I must be doing something to them at home etc. every week it’s something and I’m finding it really upsetting.

Their attitude towards me and concerns about my child’s emotional wellbeing because of this was broached in court, CAFCASS didn’t explore it really. My ex was apparently annoyed by her behaviour and said he would put a stop to it, however it’s continued. I can’t really talk to him at all.

AIBU to want it to stop?

Even if I go back to court I’m not sure anything would be done.

Can you offer anyone else to facilitate contact ?Or suggest a contact centre. Parental alienation is a crime. Might apply to nasty ex ils....
It certainly isn't good for your dc...

Is mil raising safeguarding issues every week with nursery staff? Or just expressing their dislike?

If raising safe guarding issues surely nursery should be contacting someone not telling you.

If ex mil just being nasty then nursery shouldnt be saying anything to you. Just basically telling ex.mil that she is acting inappropriately

Who is she saying it to? What evidence do you have?

Why is the nursery telling you she is bad mouthing you?

Can you refuse permission for her to pick up? I'm not sure if he has to work can he get anyone he likes to collect?

A bit of both!

Nursery are documenting everything as far as I am aware, but no safeguarding referrals yet… should I expect it?

Nursery manager, and also room leader. Nursery put in writing some of the previous comments for court.

I guess they feel like they are doing the right thing by letting me know? Should they not be telling me?

I can’t refuse permission as Dad now has PR, so he is able to make the decision of who picks up if not him on his time.

Can you not explore reporting her for slander or harassment or something? If she's raising actual safeguarding concerns? Surely you can't just repeatedly raise safeguarding concerns and get away with it?

I’m all for people being able to raise legitimate safeguarding concerns, however know she isn’t and is being spiteful.

It’s hard to explain without being too outing but she’s saying the most ridiculous things, like for example “she fears I may be hitting x because x runs away and hides when she’s with them”. Or “x screams a lot, I fear that a lot of screaming and shouting goes on in the household as she must be getting it from somewhere”. “x was so hungry when they were with us today, I am concerned mum isn’t feeding properly”. “X flinched today when we were throwing a ball with them, mum could be hitting x because they flinched”. This is on top of general nasty comments about me.

Not sure if I can report her for harassment if it’s through a third party? I’ll look into it. And she will probably just say she’s raising legitimate concerns.

FWIW, I had support from social when I was getting out of the relationship with their son due to his domestic abuse towards me. There were never any concerns about the children whatsoever. I hard work and consider myself to be a decent person. There is no hitting, shouting, neglect or abuse in my household. My children are very well cared for and have everything they need in a happy and calm home. Other than me wishing I wasn’t working all the time and was around a bit more as most working mums have that guilt I guess. I’ve financially supported our child on my own for most of their life.

So worried about making things worse than they are, by reporting anything. Part of me just wishes a safeguarding referral would be done, so that her “concerns” can be proven wrong and put to bed!

Would it be worth sending a solicitors letter to your ex, setting out PIL untrue allegations to nursery and telling him this has to stop? Otherwise your only redress is to go back to court or ignore and hope nursery will get fed up with it too. How do nursery respond to these comments from PIL? Do they say to her that x is a very happy and well-adjusted child that they have no concerns about?

This sounds awful, and you sound like you're working really bloody hard!
So I've been through similar, and I decided to just let it slide. It sounds like nursery are really supportive and documenting everything is really helpful.
Would try and take it further? Probably not, because I don't know what you'd achieve and it'll soon die down.
What I mean by that is, they will soon realise its not having the impact they thought it would and they just look silly. Focus inwards and on your children, I wouldn't say it's worth the stress/ money/ time to be fighting. You can't really control the situation but you can demonstrate your happy home, and heal and grow yourself to become bullet proof.
I would keep everything from the nursery, and I would let school know (when it's time for your child to move) but malicious allegations aren't going to go very far.
Best of luck to you x

So MIL is seeing what she thinks are fear-induced behaviours such as flinching, screaming, running away at HER house? And telling a third party about these because she attributes them to YOU, rather than HER?! She is really shooting herself in the foot isn’t she?

Yea basically. They have barely known my child 6 months. My child doesn’t particularly like going but I’m obviously trying to encourage it because A) it’s court ordered and B) I want my child to be happy and I’m hoping it’s because they’re young and it’s a big adjustment.

My child is a toddler and is typically noisy, does scream sometimes, loves to run off and hide (behind the curtains, thinks it’s funny), hide and seek is one of their favourite games! Never seen them flinch at anything personally?! But we don’t do a lot of “ball throwing” at home admittedly although do kick a football around sometimes.

Every week it’s something that she’s attributing to me negatively. I feel like there is an agenda.

But PPs are probably right and hopefully if it’s ignored it will die down.

Nursery have known me and my family many years, I think they’ve been really good about it.