To distance myself from family member due to her internalised misogyny?

[Annoyedcousin]

NC for this. Cousin has an adult DS who has 2 DC to two different women. He hasn’t had contact with the youngest since they were a baby which my cousin was adamant was the fault of the child’s mum, and her DS couldn’t afford to take her to court. Of course I suspected there was more to it but she was genuinely devastated so I thought she must be being mostly truthful. Her DS went on to have a child with another woman soon after whom he was with for a number of years, throughout which my cousin maintained the ex was the devil incarnate.

Fast forward to now, that relationship is over and my cousin has admitted that her DS CHOSE to not see his oldest DC in case it jeopardised his then new relationship. All framed as being the current exes fault as apparently she was insecure.

Most recent ex is now being painted as a deadbeat mum who never lifted a finger in their house, or cooked a meal etc. The DC is unbelievably spoilt and rude, and has a mouth like a sewer. His behaviour has never corrected at any point by either parent but all the blame lies with his mum apparently, despite the fact that he’s a carbon copy of his man child father.

Every conversation I have with her revolves around this current ex and I just cannot take the toxic internalised misogyny and refusal to hold her own DS responsible for his own actions. There are many other examples but I’ve gone on long enough. I need to distance myself, don’t I?

I don’t think I’d want to be around that either. I’d find it hard to keep my opinions to myself.

I think I’d just change the subject as it’s none of my business.

Unless of course you don’t particularly like her anyway.

But ultimately you’re free to distance yourself from anyone you please.

Why not say, Jane. It takes two. You son doesn't appear innocent and the poor children are suffering for it.

Internalised misogyny is so hard. I have it with my mum. It’s hard to ignore but I love her and try to just ignore it - but sometimes I bite. I don’t blame you for distancing yourself if this person isn’t very important to you.

Parents love their kids unconditionally.

Good for you. I’ve cut of one of my dearest most loved relatives when I discovered he was like this (the male perpetrator) didn’t realise until he was on the 3rd mother he was rhe culprit all along

Honestly, I don’t think it’s any of your business and I doubt you know the ins and outs of every detail of his seemingly complicated relationships.

but yeah, definitely step back it sounds difficult to be around.

Hope your cousin is ok too, can’t be easy being stuck in the middle

I try to change the subject constantly but it always circles back to badmouthing this woman. It’s so frustrating but I know from experience my cousin wouldn’t welcome a differing opinion.

Of course I understand that it’s natural to be biased towards your own children but most of us aren’t totally blinkered. Regardless, the relentless toxicity towards the mother of her grandchild is totally unnecessary.

I think I’ll just avoid spending time with her one on one. I’m able to disengage and zone out somewhat in a group setting.

That’s the point, it’s none of my business! I don’t want to talk about her DS’s relationships but it becomes quite irritating having to listen to vitriol directed at a young mother while she polishes his halo.

"Joan, there were 2 parents in that house. If Sarah was such a bad mother, why did Bob not step in and be the father he needed to be for his DC? If she was so lazy at doing anything at home, why didn't he leave sooner and take his DC with him?"

"Bob prioritised DC2 over DC1 - a good parent doesn't cut a child out of their life like that"

Basically if you are planning to cut back contact with her, you may as well ask questions on the way out, it might make her think even if it takes a while...