AIBU to worry about my brother’s new relationship after his divorce?

[AlvisParsley]

OK I'm fully prepared to be told I'm unreasonable about this and an almighty snob but this isn't something I want to speak about to anyone I know as it wouldn't be fair. I will qualify by saying this is not to goad anyone.

My DB is divorced and has a 14 year old son. They both remarried but my 2nd SIL was quite demanding and controlling and set in her ways. I liked her, but other things have come out since she left him almost a year ago and I can see how she put him down. My DB has now accepted it's over and they are selling their house. He lives in it, she has gone home to her parents and things are under way for his second divorce. She told my DB she wanted a child, but not with him, as she didn't want it to have ADHD. My DN has ADHD. It is not a massive problem for any of us and it is controlled and he is doing well at school.

My DB has now met another woman who is also a divorcee single parent with an 11 year old son. He says it's not serious and they just go out for a meal and walks, and I expect they sleep together but I wouldn't ask him that. My DN knows about her and he has begged his dad not to bring someone else into the house as he can't stand any more arguing and he wants it to be just them. He said he was relieved when his stepmother left. My DB says he won't be doing that. His ex has told him under no circumstances can he bring anyone back to the house, but he has done.

Out of curiosity (I guess you will tell me I am 'stalking') I found this new woman's socials and I'm not impressed. (Yes I know I don't have to be). She shares stupid memes, says awful things about her ex on social media, dresses a bit like a Love Islander. He's an adult, of course and can do what he wants but I'm bracing myself for the fallout when both his former wives find out.

I won't be saying anything more to him or to anyone at all. I haven't asked him anything. I guess I just want to vent about it and feel a bit worried.

I can find my own friends quite annoying on social media, lovely in person. Distant family seemed perfectly normal in person, majorly religious and verbose on social media.

Judge not by their SM, less ye be judged by yours 😆

Only thing to worry about is if she's nice to your brother and nephew.

I agree with you but no good can come of discussing this with him.

So your brother has his ex and his 14 year old son son telling him he can’t progress a relationship, you are speculating whether they are sleeping together .. and you are posting on here about your brother. How about a bit of peace and privacy?

My DN asked his dad not to bring another stepmum in because of the arguments with his stepmum. I think he was getting ahead of himself there. I'm not getting involved with discussions with him or the wider family. I haven't mentioned it and I shan't unless he does. I posted to try and talk about the worries I have if there is any fallout when his ex finds out, or my DN's mum.

Does sound a bit soon for a new relationship and as if his relationships are prioritised above his son - maybe just calmly advise him to keep his new relationship just for himself for a while and not to bring the children into it and hope it fizzles out as a rebound situation

She shares stupid memes, says awful things about her ex on social media, dresses a bit like a Love Islander.

Is that all? I thought you were going to say she was moving in, installing her life-size Nigel Farage portrait and going after the family silver. You sound snobby.

Perfectly ok for DN to talk to his dad about wanting it to be just them and have peace for a while.

This woman’s social feed? None of your business and sounds pretty innocuous anyway.

They actually split last September, but he was hoping they would work things out. She's made it clear over the last few weeks that isn't going to happen now.

Well as he’s on divorce #2 and already moved on to a new woman who his child is begging him not to bring around, it should be obvious that your db doesn’t exactly make the best choices. This sounds like just one more in a string of them.

@SoScarletItWas I've been circumspect in saying what I saw on SM.

Well if you don’t give us a full picture of the woman, we can’t really say whether you’re U or not.

Regardless, it sounds like your DB can’t be on his own for five minutes and it’s him you should be concerned about.

He's been on his own for 10 months. I think it's too soon, and I worry that if the ex snaps her fingers he would probably have her back. I think. I gather the new woman has been on her own for a few years but whether that means since her divorce or not I really don't know.

Your brother needs to take notice of his son. By all means if your brother wants to date, then date. There's zero need for your nephew to meet his girlfriend or son. Your brother needs to keep his dating life separate from his family one.

If anything I would advise your brother to do the above, and not to rush. His priority needs to be his son, not his dick!

You can't protect your brother from both of his exes wrath. His ex can't dictate who comes into the house, if they are separated. It's none of her business. He can't expect his son, not to tell his Mum, that Dad has a girlfriend, so she's likely to find out. His best bet would be not to tell his son he's seeing someone! Bit late for that now though, as he knows!

As for the current girlfriend, I wouldn't fret. It might fizzle out within a few months. You may never meet her!

Thank you for replies to this. The proverbial has hit the fan this morning. My DN is away now with his mum and her 2nd husband, and my DB is off work for a week. He had his girlfriend over to stay last night after they had a day out in the countryside, and he drove her home this morning. He got a ring notification on his phone and saw his ex sobbing on the doorstep and shouting that "you've got another woman in my bed". No idea how she has found out, but she has. He didn't contact her, but now I have had her messaging me telling me to "tell your brother he can't have anyone in our house. I already told him, you tell him!!"

No idea what to do. The more I keep out of it the more she will keep messaging me. I've not blocked her on anything but I feel I want to now, but to send her a message first but I am at a blank what to say.

Don’t reply at all. How do you know what DB did last night and this morning and how does his Ex know? Either he put it on SM or someone else did. This is nothing to do with you, and be aware that if you do say anything, it will be the wrong thing in someone’s view.
If you really feel you have to say something, don’t confirm it. Just say youre sorry they have split up, but you can’t act as an intermediary or get involved in their personal issues.

SHE left HIM?!

She is not entitled to tell him what he can and can't do, she ended their marriage and moved out almost a year ago.

He had his new gf stay over while his son was away, so it's not upsetting his DS at all.

If you do want to reply I would say something like 'it's nothing to do with me what my brother does or doesn't do, and actually it's nothing to do with you either since you left him'.

Pass the message on. Simple.
Your DB is keeping things complicated.

Advise DB to respect the wishes of the other person who owns his house or his messy divorce will drag on and on and on. And his son will lose respect for him.

That's quite funny, considering your original post was about your brother's new girlfriend not being up to your standards. His ex is completely batshit. Was this not evident before through her social media posts?

I dont know why you are confused what to say. I'd point out that she left him so he is a free agent. It's not her home nor her bed anymore. Then I'd stop replying.

1. Sounds like the new woman is a casual shag thing. Stay out of it.
2. Reply to ex saying DB’s personal life is nothing to do with you or her.
3. Your DB has dodgy taste in women. He should try to stay single for a while.

Does she still have access to the ring doorbell?

I’d send her a message saying ‘I am not my brother’s keeper and cannot tell him what to do. You left him!’

Damned right!

I know about this because he told me yesterday. He didn't put anything on social media and neither did his girlfriend. Neither of them have put anything on social media about the other person. How she found out is a mystery.

She messaged me after she contacted him this morning and said she told him that he is not allowed to have someone in her house and that she wants him to stop using the ring doorbell app so she can now have access to see who is going in and when.

No idea what she has been doing in the meantime.

I haven't replied to her. What I am doing is to wait and see if she gets in touch again, in which case I shall tell her his life is none of my business and I won't be getting involved.

How she found out is a mystery.

It really isn't. I expect your nephew mentioned it.

No, he didn't, because she no longer sees him.

My estranged SIL has managed to get access to the ring doorbell that's in my DB's name and which he pays for and has been spying on him. She's also been in the house, one through the drawers and destroyed some items, broken a plant pot on the back garden with a plant my DB bought her. She is acting like a woman scorned but she chose to break up. I don't get it. I think she is turning into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.