Feel guilty as relative diagnosed with disease, but in the past they’ve been awful.

[FeelingABitGuilty]

A relative of mine has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Whilst I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, I’m a bit unsure how to feel. If honest, I don’t really feel anything.

This person has very nasty traits and made my life a misery for many years. They are definitely a narcissist.

My questions are;

If you have very strong narcissistic traits, how does the diagnosis affect this. Will they get nastier?

Also, how should I be feeling? Do I help, stay out of it? Do I suddenly become tolerant and helpful despite decades of awful behaviour.

AIBU to feel nothing?

Is anyone asking you to help the relative? I would make sure that Social services were aware, and any other agencies who could help, and leave it at that. Be careful not to get sucked into becoming a carer.

It depends partly on how close the relationship is, imho. If this is a parent who has always been unpleasant towards you, I would agree to 'manage' any care needs but not to provide the care in any way. If it's a more distant relative and you want to support their e.g DC/DP, I would offer some very limited practical help,maybe driving to appointments, just to give the family member a break.

If I had to do anything, I'd do some research into a good nursing home, but that's about it.

You should accept how you feel. No, you don’t have to suddenly take care of them beyond what you would do for any human. I’m in a similar situation with my SIL and I pay for one of her prescriptions; she lives in the U.S. and couldn’t afford it otherwise. Can’t stand her but I’ve known her for 35 years so that’s my contribution.

A friend’s mum got nicer as her dementia progressed. That’s not a promise, obviously.

Do what you feel is right. You may decide to be totally hands off. That’s fine. You may decide to do limited amounts of support. That’s ok too.

Why did you stay up until now? That for me would be key to what happens next.

It can definitely go either way. I’m a carer and I’ve got one of each, one whose temperament has gotten so much pleasanter (apart from first thing in the morning)! Another who was an absolutely lovely lady who is turning into more of a horror day by day. She has 4 calls a day and she’s making me start to hate my job. It’s an awful disease. Your relative had the chance to be a nice person though when then had the option to be, and chose not to. I’d feel little sympathy for them

Not always. Some people get more extreme versions of themselves in teh early stages, some become totally different. Either way, you can't blame them, as they can't help it, any more than it was fair they used to blame mothers for having morning sickness.
And be aware that earlier nastiness could just have been the dementia occasionally showing itself. Looking back, everyone I know who has got it shows signs much, much earlier, but it's easy to ignore/not realise.

Narcissist parent who has dementia here.

They don't get worse and dementia isn't what you think. They lose themselves and aren't themselves anymore.

I would summarise like this - they recreate history (but dementia sufferers do as they can get 'stuck' in a time) and paint themselves the hero. There is regret but it feels way too late. There is a lot of gushiness which feels fake and too late.

Honestly, this disease isn't at all what I thought and affects everyone differently.