AIBU to fear I am repeating my mum’s angry parenting pattern?

[Angrymama1]

I'm an angry mum. Always shouting always triggered. Always over stimulated. I am NC with my own family due to a narc mum who always screamed and shouted and was abusive in all areas. Although I'm not her when I am angry I see and behave like her. I thought I had broken the cycle. But I have just realised I am her.
I am a single mum to 3 who works FT and does everything for my 3 DDs without the village. Most days are fine but the days they argue don't listen ignore things I've asked them to do multiple time I get triggered and then I see red. I shout so loudly I scare myself. I have tried everything - counselling, CBT, gone no contact. I can't seem to change this shitty characteristic which I despise. Im
causing damage to them and if im just like her in teh end what we're all the sacrifices for? I live for my 3 DDs trying to make them
strong independent confident women but when they show me selfish traits or any trait that I don't want i get triggered. The last week has been a constant week of telling off that has gradually got louder because they don't listen????? And are always arguing with each other and annoying/winding each other up and I have to fix it! It's a contact battle of trying to survive life and dealing with these issues that are avoidable.
Im always angry. That's the only emotion I can express because when I tried crying a few weeks ago My DDS got worried and cried with me.

their father is a Disney dad completely undermined any poor behaviour sanctions and just spoils them with money and nice things (ie going away for a two week break next week) but never ever sanctions them or has any boundaries. But in return the DDs never play up for him (their own admission and his) - I'm tired an exhausted of being the single parent that does all the hard stuff and get all the attitude. I'm sure it's a vicious cycle that I've created.

i don't know what to do. Or how to break this cycle.

Have you read The BookYou Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry? It's about exactly this issue.

Good luck OP with turning things around.

I’m sorry, that’s really hard!

I think that your anger and rage will feel different to your DC than your mum’s was. I had friends at school who came from shouty homes, and they were genuinely happy. They felt loved. My mum was narcissistic and raged about all sorts of things. I didn’t feel loved. It’s a different sort of shouting.

I can’t say it’s ok. But it may not be as bad as you fear.

You’ve done counselling and CBT. Have you tried parenting courses? You didn’t see any healthy parenting as a dc. There maybe strategies that you haven’t tried. I did a load with DS1 because he was a little bugger. Add in my own issues from childhood and it’s a wonder we both survived!

Look after yourself. Teach yourself and your DC about TLC and self care. Show them how to look after yourself, do family yoga, look up meditation for children. They have some great ideas.

What you need to do is keep the whole household calmer, not just you. It’s a whole environment thing. 💐

I don’t have any profound advice except to say that your insight into your anger already makes you different to your own parents, you know it makes you all feel bad and you want to change. That shows the pattern is already half broken. I am a counsellor and if I was working with you I would explore your need to ‘fix things’ ask where that need comes from and how you can start to give yourself permission to let your children work their relationships and emotions out without your intervention. It’s a martyr trait and can be exhausting. It might not be traditional advice but if you don’t have the time or money for more counselling, have a look at the school of life on YouTube, and use chat gtp to sound some of this out.

I think you need to stop punishing yourself. I remember my mum shouting at my brother and me when we fought, there's no lasting harm or damage. She was only human and would tell us before it to stop fighting and then lost her temper because we weren't listening to her. Actually it was when she shouted that we knew we'd gone too far, that made us stop. My children do the same now, they ignore the first 100 tellings to stop fighting/tidy up etc. and only listen when i raise my voice.