AIBU to feel unfairly blamed for clearing our parents' house?

[VeryTiredm]

AIBU to think that I'm being unfairly blamed for actions that are not completely in my control, and then criticized for actions I have had to take?

For some background. My darling dad passed away in 2024. But I had managed to have at least 10 years of a really close relationship with him. We had been on holiday together at least once a year for the last 10 years. I had been going round the house 2 or 3 times a week and taking mum & dad out. When Mum, who lives with dementia, went into a home I would go round more often and in the last year probably 5 or 6 days a week. we would go out for lunch, watch sport together and generally chat about anything and everything!
In 2017 after his heart attack and subsequent triple bypass I sat down one day and had a rant at him, I told him off!! I said he needed to get his paperwork in good order, especially in relation to mum, I was more than happy to help, but with the dementia, if anything happened there was no plan and no LPA's. Bless him, he had them all sorted within 6 months.
Grief has been okay, because I know that I took the time to make sure we had quality time together. Not everyone is that fortunate, but I was.
So dad passed away in 2024 and I was his sole executor on his will. I also hold the LPAs for my mum. My elder sister was very upset that she was not given any "powers" her entitlement in the will is the same as mine, but she felt she should have been given responsibility as she was the eldest. That in my mind speaks more about her relationship with dad and is not anything I can help solve, but of course I haven't said that to her, that would just be upsetting.
The house had 40 years of family life that needed sorting through, my sister did help a little at the start, but only up until the funeral. Afterwards she kept asking if we could wait a couple of weeks and go through everything together. A couple of week turned into a couple of months. We agreed on a date she was visiting with her daughter and a van to pick up some furniture. i managed to pack up some boxes of mugs, crystal and other items she requested. at that point I had hardly touched the kitchen, garage or boxes and boxes of photos and cards etc.
Then we had a fire, a big kitchen fire, the day before she was due to visit with the van.
Once given the all clear by the fire department, they were absolutely brilliant by the way. DH came over and moved all the packed boxes, photos and pictures that were still on the wall into the outside garage. Plus the big arm chairs and anything else that was going to impacted by the horrendous smoke damage that was now occurring.
DS came up the next day, thanked DH for moving stuff out of the house. when he had left she told me off for "tidying" the garage, said she had wanted to do it, as it would help with the grieving process. I pointed out that we hadn't tidied it just moved everything to one side to get the chairs in and put oil pictures and photos in out of the smoke! She was definitely not happy when she left, partly because of the garage and partly because she didn't want to see the damage that had occurred to our parents happy home. I'm definitely not responsible for a kitchen fire!
I was chatting to her a couple of days later, asking if everything had got to hers safely and said that DH was helping me clear the rest of the house. She said she wanted me to stop doing that as she needed time to process and would come up in a couple of weeks to help clear the rest. i tried to push her for a date, bearing in mind that the house was full of smoke and now needed clearing. she admitted that would probably be another 6 weeks, at half term.
I said i couldn't wait and DH and I cleared almost everything that was left, the photos etc I put into a clean box, and stored them under my bed, i haven't sorted through them at all. I didn't touch anything in the kitchen, that was definitely a health hazard! I asked her several times if she wanted to come over and help, but she couldn't cope with the grief and seeing the house as it now is.
Couple of months later i went to stay at her house to celebrate her birthday, she admitted she was still struggling with the loss, she thought she would have more time with dad, but was starting to feel a bit better.
The Insurance came in and ripped everything that was left into a skip!
DS has not been talking to me for over a year now. When i asked her a year ago what was wrong and why she was no longer replying to texts. Her answer was that it was not my responsibility to clear our parents house and i should have waited until she was ready before i touched anything. Losing a parent was bad enough but not being allowed the opportunity to clear their house was very hurtful and entirely my fault.
How is it not my responsibility? How long was I supposed to wait?
AIBU to think I'm just being blamed for her not taking responsibility for her actions. I know she was grieving, but so am I! And the house had to be cleared, what was I supposed to do?

She must be massively struggling but she is still being irrational. She needs to get grief counselling and find a way to move on. You are not to blame for her behaviour.

YANBU. Your sister is a piece of work at worst, or making you the target of her grief at best.

Trust me, this was just an excuse. She would have used something else as an excuse to cut contact eventually and try make ir your fault.

Do not run after her. Is the house sold? Limit contact with her.

NGL your was long, so I had to TL,DR it:

• OP's father died in 2024 and they became sole executor of the estate.
• Her sister was upset about not having a formal role and wanted to help clear the family home but kept postponing it.
• A major fire damaged the house, forcing OP to move and clear belongings to protect her and allow insurance work to proceed.
• Her sister later accused the poster of clearing the house without her and says she lost the chance to grieve by sorting through their parents' possessions.
• The sister has stopped speaking to OP, who feels unfairly blamed for taking necessary action while managing the estate.

Grief is hard but your sister is a cheeky fxxker.
She is blaming you for not having enough time with her father, she is feeling guilty about it.

She left it to you and was extremely controlling to be saying that she would come when it suited her.

She didn't come.
You and your husband did this thankless job.

Stop chasing her.
She sounds very selfish and difficult.

You did your best.
Do not take on her guilt.

I would leave her too her delusions.
She's looking for someone to blame.
Let her off.

Your sister is entirely in the wrong. As executor it was ethically and legally your responsibility to clear his house and take care of all of his affairs. Your responsibility was to your dad, not to be an emotional support human to your sister. You are likely grieving too and all she has done is make it even harder on you because she was jealous and mistrustful of you being executor and trying to do a coup to run it her way. You gave her every opportunity to assist you and she flaked out, it was never the case that you didn’t allow her.

You bent over backwards tiptoing around her emotional blackmail and manipulation and she has the gall to be angry and bitter with you?! The utter selfishness of her.

I would be having some strong words with her. Hold your head high, you did more than most would to accommodate such awful behaviour.

It's your sister's own guilt that's bothering her.

Your are not being unreasonable.

My elder sister was very upset that she was not given any "powers" her entitlement in the will is the same as mine, but she felt she should have been given responsibility as she was the eldest.

And that's why she was doing the 'wait until I'm ready', which could have been the twelfth of never. She was trying to take from you the control she felt she should have had. But she didn't succeed so now she's not talking to you.

Being the eldest doesn't give you special privileges. You obviously had a much closer relationship with your dad than she did and to me her 'grief'and need to process it seems somewhat performative. The time to think about spending time with him was when he was alive. Breast beating now is being self indulgent. Yes she may be feeling some guilt but that is not something she should take out on you.

I have a lot of sympathy for your sister, was there any wiggle room after the fire for you to wait until half term for her to participate?

If not, did she really understand this at the time?

Whatever you perceive the reasons for her feelings being (relationship with your dad etc), she feels she was cut out from the family and unsupported during her grief. I think calling her a cheeky fucker is wrong because she's grieving and her grief has been complicated by the events that followed - I'm not saying that these were your fault, of course they weren't. But it sounds like while you were in Doing-Mode, she needed more emotional support than you were able to provide.

If you'd like to repair the relationship, then I think you need to step back from defensive feelings of being blamed and acknowledge how excluded and discarded she felt.

Grief is not rational or logical, it's deeply painful as you well know. You had something proactive to focus on, which helped you move through those initial months. She did not, while also facing the hurt that your dad chose not to give her LPA or executorship.

I know it's not been easy for you either and you've done everything. But having been through more bereavements than I would have expected to (and had the responsibilities you have had), I can see how acutely painful the way this has played out has been for your sister.

Defensiveness will not help you here. You need to meet her where she is. I'd suggest apologising that you were unable to do more for her (I'm not saying you're too blame for the house clearance or timeline! Please notice the nuance) and give her the sympathy and care she needs. Accept she might need to be angry. Let her work through it. It'll take a little time.

Hopefully when she has, she will see that blaming you is irrational and will meet you when you are.

I am speaking from experience, its not easy know and sending you my condolence for everything you've been through and carried. X

I'm shocked that 18% have voted that you are being unreasonable OP, as others have said, you did everything you could, and bent over backwards to give your sister time to get to grips with things, but sadly it's completely pointless to keep a house going, continuing to pay various bills, etc., for no reason other than your sister feels too guilty to deal with it. She was lucky that you were even in a position to give her the time you did, as when my Mum died, due to the fact that she lived in council accommodation, we had to clear everything, and return the keys within a week of her death, which was INCREDIBLY hard, but it had to be done.

You obviously did all the right things by spending time with your Dad during the years leading up to his passing, and so have nothing to feel guilty about, but she obviously didn't do the same, and many, many people end up feeling guilty when a parent dies, and they realise that they should have spent more time with them while they had the opportunity.

Sadly, the death of a parent often causes bad feeling among the children of that person, but in this instance I think you should just leave your sister to get on with her life, and you need to do the same. Maybe one day she'll realise that she behaved badly, and want to reset your relationship, but from what you've said, I wouldn't hold my breath.

I know it's a long time ago now, but I'm sorry for your loss OP.

My DSSis did something similar when my DM died. After two months I just sorted it (had to - council house, amazed they waited that long) then she sent me absolutely vile text messages and I was expected to just stand there and take it. She acts like nothing happened now but it’s hard to forget. I think some people don’t understand that things need to be sorted and they can’t leave it forever. I do wonder how they cope when they’re only children and there’s no one to sort it out for them. Do they just leave the house full of stuff for years on end? At least you know your DF made the right decision about you being the one to take care of things.

If the house had been cleared in good time and shut down properly, gas/electric off etc, would the fire have happened and would it have damaged so much stuff?

Oh I can do see my future here. My parents home is full of stuff, I find sorting things really difficult, but my sibling finds it near impossible and has very sentimental attachments to things but no space. I am expecting at least a year of stress when the inevitable happens.

A lot of similarities with my own situation here. My sister made it very clear she wasn't going to lift a finger to help, but still criticises every thing I do and likes to throw spanners in the works just for fun. Things like hiding tax authority papers so that bank accounts cannot be released, removing every cup from the house but leaving the saucers, or taking all the spoons from the posh cutlery canteen rednering the rest of it useless.

It seemed like all the irrational, unjustified hatred she had for our Dad was refocussed on me, along with her own guilt. Within about two weeks of my Dad dying in 2024 I resolved that once the estate was settled I would never speak to her again, and that glorious day is getting closer and closer.

If the house had been cleared in good time and shut down properly, gas/electric off etc, would the fire have happened and would it have damaged so much stuff?

The fire was caused by a dishwasher.
I was sorting through stuff the day before my sister was due, empty bookcases, dinning room cabinets, bedside tables etc that were all going on the van the next day. i decided to put the dishwasher on to clear the kitchen as big sister was coming and i wanted the place tidy!
The fire caused significant damage to the kitchen, to the point it was all ripped out, back to brick walls.
The smoke damage however was absolutely horrendous! and effected the whole house.

In truth I can't answer your question, the dishwasher could have caught fire at anytime, and if we had cleared the house earlier, we might have used the dishwasher earlier, we probably would have used it more? I just don't know.