To try and keep the group together or should I let it sink

[Dot123S]

I have a local group of 6 female friends where I live in the North East, and we're all friends for about 4 years or so now, having moved out of the city to the suburbs around the same time and have teens at same schools etc.

The last week or two felt like something out of that FRIENDS episode where three of them can afford to go nice places and the other three can't

About a year or go we started meeting up for each of our birthday's around the actual date (give or take a few days to not diary conflict with plans the birthday queen would have with their own family) - all of us are busy mums and most of us are working in full or part time jobs as well so this was a way to remind ourselves to take a few hours out from that and celebrate each other. At least 4 times a year (couple of the birthdays are close enough to each other to combine).

We started with meeting at local food court, or coffee shops - we would take a cake and a gift for the birthday 'girl' and it somehow turned out gradually that drinks or coffee or snacks would be bought by the person whose birthday it was.

A couple of us who had our birthdays most recently bought lunch for the group - the last of which was in June where my friend decided she wanted her birthday lunch at a local chinese and wanted to pay for it, I sorted her gifts etc, we had an amazing fun night where we had one side of the Chinese restaurant all to ourselves and were loud and had so many laughs and set the world to rights till late in the night.

Now , for the upcoming one , I suggested to the birthday mum that we could meet for coffee and cake to take any pressure off her that she might feel to buy us lunch - but she said no its fine lets do lunch, my turn to buy it, etc and seemed excited. Three of the group point blank refused with not even an attempt at decent excuses ' I am busy, not sure when I might be available again ' type shocking excuses.

After mulling this I put a message on the group saying lets take the pressure off those feeling having to buy everyone drinks/coffee/lunch on their birthday and just come to my home for a simple lunch on Sunday - one of the three who refused originally agreed as did birthday person and one who had originally said yes said yes to this too.

Did I handle this okay, and if not, is there any better way to make things a bit more equitable while not breaking up the group....for context, I don't have a friends gang really where I live, and I feel envious everytime I see posts on MN about the great female friendships all of you seem to have ....why does that never happen for me I wonder....

Yes you’ve handled it well. The other option is to call people individually to discuss with them so you can understand their feelings fully rather than guessing.

Keep the group going as much as you can with whoever is still willing. If you lose people, maybe you can find other women to add to take their place.

I think you handled it well. Unless you're all affluent, the cycle of birthday woman treating everyone needs to be broken.

I think it takes effort to maintain friendships when everyone leads busy lives and you are not naturally together as neighbours or colleagues. The more difficult bit is drawing the line between making an effort and forcing the friendship. If it starts to feel as though all the effort is coming from you, it might be time to let it drift - or fragment into smaller groups if others but not all are making an effort.

You sound like a nice, considerate person!

I think you handled that brilliantly but as pp said, I’d try to find out why the 3 said no when they would be paid for? Are they the 3 that can’t really afford (but I think the birthday girl is one of those 3 according to the op?)

No Birthday girl suggested the lunch actually and said she would buy us lunch, the two of us who had most recently had birthdays and taken the others to lunch (Jan and June 2026) agreed to go

It was the other three who have birthdays later this year Sept-Dec who gave vague half hearted reasons and declined.

Of those 3 who declined, one is indeed a SAHM with two DC and one going to uni this year, so could be money related but also she seems to have her foot in our group and a few others as well (not saying we should all have just only one group each but) and every three months she fades out and then comes back in , in cycles - so she always stays on the edges in a sense and undecided.

The second one is more into sporty things and would rather we use the money I suppose to pay for like an activity rather than a meal maybe? or just do free outdoorsy stuff with packed sandwiches /thermos of tea - so perhaps we need to look at that as an option - again we are all mid 40s and not sure that every single meet up being sporty is going to be liked by all unanimously either

Not sure about the third one , why etc.....

@DonaldWheresMaTweezers , @InWithPeaceOutWithStress

Thanks , and yes agree - we will have to see how this pans out in future, as I fear eventually the stress will switch from having to buy the group drinks/dinner/ lunch to having to host at home and some won't like that either

As I said that leaves us with just hiking and outdoorsy stuff, with no meal at the end lol ....and our fitness levels all vary as well I suppose.....

Why can’t you just go out for lunch etc and all pay for your own? It’s a strange tradition that’s formed; no way in hell I’d be able to buy lunch for four, so I’d be too embarrassed to be treated by other people five times a year.

It adds up to the same thing if you see what I mean - pay for yourself 6 times versus paying for six ppl in one go ?

But yes I see your point, and thanks for the post, it helps

I am going to keep lunch this sunday simple, instead of a three course expectation that again puts pressure on myself and the others as well down the line

One Course cooked and an asda cake + some asda snacks
Its the laughs we have when we are together, that make me overthink in wanting to keep the group together - I do think we have gotten close in the past 4 years ..

Anyone else faced similar?