AIBU to think my husband showed no compassion when I broke down?

[julioss]

5 weeks ago I found out DH was messaging his childhood sweetheart which caused a massive falling out and really upset me. He begged for a second chance and that he would build up my trust again. My insecurities are at an extreme high and have been for the last year or so for reasons I don’t know.

I work in a high pressured job and my manager has recently been served a grievance about their attitude to me and others. It was a horrible process and caused me extreme anxiety.

I’ve also been getting recurring losses of consciousness and they’re querying epilepsy.

On top of this my parents have been struggling with a variety of different things and I’ve been helping them a lot.

I had shitty mental health in my 20s, and was under a crisis team. Lots of shit things happened that I struggle to even talk about now.

I broke down to my husband last night and told him I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I’m scared I was going to go back to that place. It was a horrible time. I was crying and said I felt under pressure, that I was a shit partner, shit daughter, shit mother, shit professional, and my body was giving up.

Husbands response was:

• I give you everything and it’s not enough
• You need to work out more
• You don’t listen to me
• everyone has a shit life, loads of people have it a lot worse than you

He was almost shouting. He kept asking me what I needed and through tears I kept saying I don’t know. It ended up with me saying to him that I was sorry for saying this as it made him feel bad.

Aibu to think this is complete lack of compassion or should I be more resourceful in asking for actual support?

Sounds familiar. I've been divorced for a year now and would you believe it, no more anxiety.

Your supposed support berating you when they're supposed to be there for you just shows he's checked out. I imagine he's wondering how life could have been if he'd stayed with this OW.

You deserve better. I agree it sounds like he has checked out. So you are no longer his priority more an inconvenience.

It's pretty obvious what you need. What you need is for that fucker not to be messaging his childhood sweetheart behind your back and to show you a bit of kindness and support. Yelling at you when you've got so much going on and feel terrible is just horrible, all he seems to care about is himself.

Your anxiety might be linked to your epilepsy OP, google tells me they share overlapping brain networks. I'm sorry you're going through all this.

He said he doesn’t know how to. He said do you want a solution or to just listen? And if he just listens he doesn’t say anything, so I speak and cry and then it’s silent

He does not care about you.

You will better off without him in your life.

Absolutely this.

Two things.
This man is not going to make your life better.
You will get better without him.

I’m really sorry for the things you are struggling with. He’s angry because you are acting like a person. He wanted a wife utility, not a person.

What does he "give you", exactly? Anything you can't actually give yourself?

Oh my goodness I feel so sorry for you. You have a huge amount on your plate then he decides messaging an ex will just be added to your problems. His reaction, to something he has helped to cause is awful.

I expect separating would make your mental health a whole lot better.

Even my emotionally illiterate DH worked out that just holding me, telling me he loved me, that we would work through this together was all that was needed when I was at my most frenetic

Give yourself some space to see where his behaviour has fed into your emotions and break that connection

Sod him

Look after yourself ❤️