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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to take things slow I do not want to rush into things.

15 replies

MyRubyRobin · 27/07/2026 11:35

Please don't come just to tell me I'm awful for having an affair. I already know.

I've been seeing a married man for two years. It started as just sex but we ended up catching feelings. From the beginning, though, I always told him not to leave his wife. We had plenty of conversations about it. My view was that he'd made vows, she'd done nothing to deserve having her life blown up, and if there was any chance he could make himself love her again then he should try. She loved him and wanted the marriage to work.

She found out about the affair and was still willing to take him back. I honestly thought that would be the end of us. Instead, he's now gone ahead with the divorce anyway.

Now he's telling me he left because of me and that we can finally be together properly.
The affair worked for me because there were boundaries. We weren't building a life together, there were no expectations, and I never wanted him to throw everything away. Now I just feel... puzzled.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous because this is supposedly what we've been working towards all along. I don't agree. I never asked him to leave and he has now given me an ultimatum.

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OnarealhorseIride · 27/07/2026 11:38

Are you sure he wanted to leave his marriage and not get told to leave by his wife? If the latter is true then it is much easier for him to move in with you

RetiredFromExplaining · 27/07/2026 11:39

When a man marries his mistress, it creates a vacancy.

You will never be able to trust him.

It was a fun fling and time to move on.

youalright · 27/07/2026 11:40

Did you not mention any of this information to him within the last 2 years. He sounds like a great guy cheats on his wife doesn't give a single shit what you want for the future now he's calling ridiculous sounds like a gem. If you just wanted a fuck buddy couldn't you of done this with a single man or do you get off on ruining people's lives.

MyRubyRobin · 27/07/2026 11:41

OnarealhorseIride · 27/07/2026 11:38

Are you sure he wanted to leave his marriage and not get told to leave by his wife? If the latter is true then it is much easier for him to move in with you

Maybe but he thought if he came clean about the affair she would be more inclined to just leave but she still said she is willing to work on their marriage.

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MyRubyRobin · 27/07/2026 11:43

RetiredFromExplaining · 27/07/2026 11:39

When a man marries his mistress, it creates a vacancy.

You will never be able to trust him.

It was a fun fling and time to move on.

I won’t be marrying him, not interested in marriage. I have 2 boys still in prep school I don’t intend of complicating their lives.

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MyRubyRobin · 27/07/2026 11:43

youalright · 27/07/2026 11:40

Did you not mention any of this information to him within the last 2 years. He sounds like a great guy cheats on his wife doesn't give a single shit what you want for the future now he's calling ridiculous sounds like a gem. If you just wanted a fuck buddy couldn't you of done this with a single man or do you get off on ruining people's lives.

He’s aware he knows I’ve got children so it was never going to work out anyway

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DaisyChain505 · 27/07/2026 11:44

I can assure you it wasn’t just his choice to end the marriage otherwise he would have just stayed. He knows he’s lost one woman so he’s putting all his eggs in your basket now so he’s not left either nothing in this situation.

You don’t have to continue this relationship just because he wants to. Your feelings and opinions count too and you get to decide how your life goes.

OnarealhorseIride · 27/07/2026 11:44

I was a big vague, but I was thinking she is kicking him out and he had no intention of leaving so now he needs a new home. I would not trust him. It is as pp has said if he moving in with you it creates a vacancy. Don’t waste your time with a cheater

Dozer · 27/07/2026 11:44

If you don’t want to resume a relationship with him, don’t, and don’t have any further contact with him.

He can think & say what he likes about it.

MyRubyRobin · 27/07/2026 11:47

DaisyChain505 · 27/07/2026 11:44

I can assure you it wasn’t just his choice to end the marriage otherwise he would have just stayed. He knows he’s lost one woman so he’s putting all his eggs in your basket now so he’s not left either nothing in this situation.

You don’t have to continue this relationship just because he wants to. Your feelings and opinions count too and you get to decide how your life goes.

Edited

Maybe that’s what it is. I don’t really care what’s gone on he’ll be fine I just like the casual nature of it no expectations of one another.

Why now and not when he told her he had an affair and she wanted to work on things.

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DahliaDelights · 27/07/2026 11:49

For one, any ultimatum is a huge red flag.

If you carry on its on your terms not because he now has a sense of urgency because his marriage has broken down. He doesnt get to dictate, he doesnt call the shots.

Id be very wary of anyone giving me an ultimatum. Not a chance. Bye Felicia

MyRubyRobin · 27/07/2026 11:49

OnarealhorseIride · 27/07/2026 11:44

I was a big vague, but I was thinking she is kicking him out and he had no intention of leaving so now he needs a new home. I would not trust him. It is as pp has said if he moving in with you it creates a vacancy. Don’t waste your time with a cheater

He’s got his other house and I think the house they’re living in is originally his not under her name. I don’t think he’ll be struggling for a home, he’s never even been to my house and he doesn’t know my exact address. I’m not that silly I have children I wouldn’t share my address with men.

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Dozer · 27/07/2026 11:49

Given his treatment of his wife he will likely now want the ‘wife’ experience with the ‘mistress’ experience, from you. And expected you to fall into line!

youalright · 27/07/2026 11:51

MyRubyRobin · 27/07/2026 11:43

He’s aware he knows I’ve got children so it was never going to work out anyway

But did you specifically say it, having kids doesn't automatically mean anything lots of shitty mums in the world who pick men over their children especially when their desperate. Which most women who can't find a man of their own usually are. If i was him I would assume your desperate with no morales so I would assume you would pick any man over your kid if they paid you a bit of attention

MyRubyRobin · 27/07/2026 11:55

youalright · 27/07/2026 11:51

But did you specifically say it, having kids doesn't automatically mean anything lots of shitty mums in the world who pick men over their children especially when their desperate. Which most women who can't find a man of their own usually are. If i was him I would assume your desperate with no morales so I would assume you would pick any man over your kid if they paid you a bit of attention

Ahaha maybe that’s exactly what he thinks either way it’s not my marriage so I am not really bothered I never asked him to leave

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