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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that DH called our daughter R******

53 replies

AnonMam · 27/07/2026 06:25

DH and DD are diagnosed autistic. DD was upset about not gets second ice-cream yesterday and he told her to stop acting like a "a stupid r t**face".
I was so angry.
DH says I'm giving words power by getting so cross about it.
He apologised to DD but justified it in the same breath saying "I'm sorry I used the r word, you were acting r though to be fair". And said "I didn't call YOU r, I just said you were acting it .. which you were".

I'm so annoyed but as is always the case everyone else has moved on and it makes me feel ridiculous holding a grudge.

So, AIBU to still be annoyed/upset about this or are they just words and I should lighten up?

OP posts:
Sunnibee · 27/07/2026 19:21

Oh wow this is awful.

x2boys · 27/07/2026 19:30

YankSplaining · 27/07/2026 19:05

Yes – if you read any older biographies or memoirs about the family, Rosemary is typically referred to as being mentally retarded, which was the correct terminology in the US through the 2000s. Calling people “retards” wasn’t okay, and neither was using “retarded” as an insult, but it was perfectly fine to say something like, “Leonardo DiCaprio plays the retarded younger brother of Johnny Depp’s character.”

Honestly, I wish we’d go back to that terminology, because everyone understood what it meant. “Intellectually disabled” is long and cumbersome, and there’s a bit “lost in translation” when it comes to “learning difficulties”/“learning disabilities.” In the US, a learning disability is something like dyslexia, whereas in the UK – if I understand correctly? – saying someone “has learning difficulties” means they have a low IQ.

”Gay” was used as an insult too, and everyone said, “Shut up, it’s not an insult to be gay.” I wish everyone had said, “Shut up, it’s not an insult to be retarded.”

But! They did not, and OP’s husband was clearly being horrible and insulting, and she is NBU. This is relationship-ending.

Show quote history

Its the opposite uk
A learning difficulty describes something specific such as Dyslexia
Whereas a learining disabillty affects everthing including IQ and can range from mild to profound .
I imagine there is much confusion
When trying to translate from American English to British English and vice versa .

noctilucentcloud · 27/07/2026 19:33

YankSplaining · 27/07/2026 19:05

Yes – if you read any older biographies or memoirs about the family, Rosemary is typically referred to as being mentally retarded, which was the correct terminology in the US through the 2000s. Calling people “retards” wasn’t okay, and neither was using “retarded” as an insult, but it was perfectly fine to say something like, “Leonardo DiCaprio plays the retarded younger brother of Johnny Depp’s character.”

Honestly, I wish we’d go back to that terminology, because everyone understood what it meant. “Intellectually disabled” is long and cumbersome, and there’s a bit “lost in translation” when it comes to “learning difficulties”/“learning disabilities.” In the US, a learning disability is something like dyslexia, whereas in the UK – if I understand correctly? – saying someone “has learning difficulties” means they have a low IQ.

”Gay” was used as an insult too, and everyone said, “Shut up, it’s not an insult to be gay.” I wish everyone had said, “Shut up, it’s not an insult to be retarded.”

But! They did not, and OP’s husband was clearly being horrible and insulting, and she is NBU. This is relationship-ending.

Show quote history

The term "mentally retarded" was acceptable in the US for quite a while after it stopped being used in the UK. In my view it's right it's seen as an outdated and not ok term to use. In the UK learning disability covers things like Downs Syndrome, whereas learning difficulties covers things like dyslexia.

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