To be furious that DH called our daughter R******

[AnonMam]

DH and DD are diagnosed autistic. DD was upset about not gets second ice-cream yesterday and he told her to stop acting like a "a stupid r t**face".
I was so angry.
DH says I'm giving words power by getting so cross about it.
He apologised to DD but justified it in the same breath saying "I'm sorry I used the r word, you were acting r though to be fair". And said "I didn't call YOU r, I just said you were acting it .. which you were".

I'm so annoyed but as is always the case everyone else has moved on and it makes me feel ridiculous holding a grudge.

So, AIBU to still be annoyed/upset about this or are they just words and I should lighten up?

What is R?

Was she acting racist?

Yeah OP I don't know what R means either.

Rtrd*d

a stupid r t**face

^^
Can you clarify what this is OP? It seems like there might be a typo in there somewhere.

How old is your daughter?

Rtarded twtface

10

Your DH calling your child a name with an ableist slur is disgraceful.

But on MN I’ve seen equally offensive terms used and people are unapologetic. Sadly, being grossly offensive and ableist is on the rise.

You’re right to be upset. I’d be furious.

I think he called her a retard!

I would think its an old fashoined word which was originslly used to describe somone who was developmentally delayed
Now used as a common insult.

Words are all we have. I would be very upset both with what your h said and his non apology.

Thanks. To a 10yo??? That's disgusting. Don't let him try to explain this one away as harmless, it's absolutely vile.

Was she acting 'retarded'? Was she pretending not to be able to follow rules, complete her normal tasks etc?

Was DD making fun of people with disabilities?
Retarded is an actual description. It is a word that can be used.

It is however never used any more as a name for a group of people who have unfortunately been born without ability to perform with average brain capacity. In 1970s it was regarded as normal but no more.

Ah okay.

No that's horrible. Not just because he called his DD that, but because he thinks it's an acceptable label for anyone.

She was crying and screaming about DH and DS eating an ice-cream, when she had already had one that day and was told no.

I'd be furious

I would find it very upsetting, but to get a diagnosis for autism you do have to have issues with social communication. It can include inability to adjust language and difficulties with communicating appropriately. I know that doesn't make it any less annoying but it comes with the territory.

He is disgusting!

The next question is.. what do I do about it? He knows my thoughts. He knows why. He doesn't care.
Children don't seem bothered but understand that it's wrong.
It just upsets me. But whenever he does or says something like this I end up seething for days and everyone else moves on and I become the grumpy difficult one.

I think the words he used are appalling. They are offensive and rude. Your DD was perhaps behaving badly (spoilt, entitled, greedy?) but his words were very wrong. I’d be disgusted if I heard someone say “RT” at anyone. That the target is his 10 year old daughter makes it worse. What an appalling role model.

Oh wow. Regardless of where the stands on “giving words power”, why on earth is he insulting a 10 year old?

What do you do about it? Have a word with him and ask him to choose his words more carefully in future and move on. Sounds like you need to learn to focus on the bigger
picture and differentiate between what is important and what isn’t. I mean you couldn’t even write the words on here instead faffing
about confusing people. You need to get some perspective and focus your energy where it can do the most good.

I'm sorry to say that you are married to a dick-head. His own behaviour is childish and extremely immature. He has used an ableist slur towards his own daughter. Her behaviour does not justify that at all.

If he is often like this, I would consider ending the marriage. He has shown no remorse and you are obviously at the end of your tether with him.

Tbf i was once on a very interesting thread about the kennedys and apparentley one of the kennedy sisters had learning disabillities one poster used the " R" word in context as that was the term used to describe the sisters disabillities when she was diagnosed and MNHQ deleted the post as some words are too insulting to ever be used according to them💁
However they are very inconsistsnt in what they delete