To be furious that DH called our daughter R******

[AnonMam]

DH and DD are diagnosed autistic. DD was upset about not gets second ice-cream yesterday and he told her to stop acting like a "a stupid r t**face".
I was so angry.
DH says I'm giving words power by getting so cross about it.
He apologised to DD but justified it in the same breath saying "I'm sorry I used the r word, you were acting r though to be fair". And said "I didn't call YOU r, I just said you were acting it .. which you were".

I'm so annoyed but as is always the case everyone else has moved on and it makes me feel ridiculous holding a grudge.

So, AIBU to still be annoyed/upset about this or are they just words and I should lighten up?

Why not just say it? I knew what you meant but others didn't. I hate this new tendency to asterisk words like rpe or or dad - just bloody say the word.

Anyway, YANBU its a horrible thing to call your child or anyone else.

Because according to mumsnet you cant, see my previous post

As the parent of a child with severe learning difficulties, I think your 'D'H is the scum of the earth.

What you’re describing is emotional abuse. Is he calling everyone in the house names or just your daughter?

Reported.

Don’t be stupid.

I agree it’s emotional abuse. OP your dd may appear to have moved on, but she will carry those words from her dad inside her. When she’s an adult she may look back and question why you allowed him to carry on living in the same house as her where he’s free to do this again.

I think this is not OK, but I feel like a lot of PP are missing the point that DH is also autistic. He is likely taking the word in the literal sense of the word rather than as a slur. It’s still not OK but I think you need a conversation about this and to communicate why it’s not ok to use these words now. I wouldn’t let it go but change tact. He is an adult but ASD means difficulties in communication and social skills, so he might be finding this hard to understand.

You don’t think calling a child with additional needs a derogative term and insult for someone with learning disabilities and then doubling down when challenged is abusive? That says a lot about you as a person.

I kniw what you mean about seething for days over something when everyone else has moved on, I've done this many times to the point of making myself feel ill. It an awful dichotomy when you feel something terrible has happened, you are shaken by it, but others think its fine or not that big a deal

My opinion for what it's worth is what he said was totally horrible, is this really behaviour you want your children to model? I can't advise further action, only you know deep down inside whether this is a deal breaker. You can talk to him or print off some info with a different opinion to his or evidence of how words can impact someones development but I am not in a position to know if that would work

I do send my heartfelt sympathies for how you are feeling, aghast, hurt and alone is not a good place to be

No, I think calling someone a bad name is calling someone a bad name. What is says about me is I don’t over react and label everyone and everything abusive unlike you and half of MN who cry abuse as soon as someone looks at them funny.

Calling people names is never ok. Adults doing it to children is dreadful.

Has he thought about what he’s teaching her? The words and the name-calling? She’s going to get into deep trouble if she replicates this behaviour at school.

They've been conditioned to accept it and turn off they're emotions about his behaviour.

I'm guessing he's not particularly pleasant.
I think you need to get rid.
Put your children first.
Have a peaceful and respectful life.
Teach your children better.

But name calling is an emotionally abusive behaviour. And when you say someone in this instance do you mean a 10 year old child? Does the age of the person being called a name change your perception of abuse. If it was a 2 year old being called a c**t is that just calling someone a name and not abuse?

I think it is much more likely to be a lack of impulse control because his daughter was annoying him. Everyone knows it is rude and offensive and that is why he used it.

You might be right. However, everyone is (rightly) saying he is being ableist, but by ignoring the fact he also is autistic is problematic and in itself ableist (because we are are assuming he is aware of social norms and nuanced meanings). I think PPs need to consider this part more carefully when responding.

But he also called her stupid and a twat face, if I interpreted the asterisks correctly?

I missed this bit. I thought it was retard. That is definitely not ok either. I could understand the word retard in the literal sense but definitely not twat face. That’s gross 🤢

Ah I think I accidently included a banned word.
Please don't think what is posted above that your DH has a defense of being autistic. It's absolutely a slur, just like most slurs once had inoffensive meanings that doesn't mean they're ok to say now!

That's horrendous OP, him being autistic is absolutely no excuse because I bet he knows perfectly well not to call anyone at work a r*tard or stupid or a twatface. My son with ASD certainly does.

I can't imagine the upbringing or what sort of parents the people defending him are. I also can't believe she's got to 10 and this is the very first time he's insulted her like this. Is this an on going thing OP?

Your poor daughter, of course being name calling is abusive, some people on here would really benefit from doing a safeguarding course, god knows what else they think is acceptable that really isn't. God knows what she is internalising from all this.

I’d slap his fucking face

I would have a few words for him too (not in earshot of the children), so he can experience the result of his twattish behaviour. If he can give, surely he can take.

Absolute bellend. And being autistic is not licences to be an asshole. Especially not to your own children.

Yes – if you read any older biographies or memoirs about the family, Rosemary is typically referred to as being mentally retarded, which was the correct terminology in the US through the 2000s. Calling people “retards” wasn’t okay, and neither was using “retarded” as an insult, but it was perfectly fine to say something like, “Leonardo DiCaprio plays the retarded younger brother of Johnny Depp’s character.”

Honestly, I wish we’d go back to that terminology, because everyone understood what it meant. “Intellectually disabled” is long and cumbersome, and there’s a bit “lost in translation” when it comes to “learning difficulties”/“learning disabilities.” In the US, a learning disability is something like dyslexia, whereas in the UK – if I understand correctly? – saying someone “has learning difficulties” means they have a low IQ.

”Gay” was used as an insult too, and everyone said, “Shut up, it’s not an insult to be gay.” I wish everyone had said, “Shut up, it’s not an insult to be retarded.”

But! They did not, and OP’s husband was clearly being horrible and insulting, and she is NBU. This is relationship-ending.