WIBU about paid work responsibilities?

[stripytigerz]

I’m not quite sure what the answer is to this as I think probably neither of us are being that unreasonable.

I am early 40s and DH is early 50s. We have one DC, aged 5. I work in a stressful professional job 3 days a week. I do all the mental load of DC, and the majority of school runs etc. DH works FT hours also in a stressful environment. In addition, he picks up additional paid overtime. This means that he is rarely around in the evenings, leaving house and DC to me.

This did cause some resentment earlier on as I felt unsupported at home and I felt my career was suffering further as I couldn’t commit to out of hours BD etc, which is important in my profession. Equally, DH felt resentful as he felt he was shouldering the financial responsibility of the family. Just to note, I earn about 40% of our household income. If DH dropped the overtime, it would be more like 50/50.

The overtime money is definitely helpful but I do think we would manage day to day without it. We have not debt and decent savings. Some months we don’t save if we have particularly high outgoings but most months we can save £500 upwards. So, DH overtime is basically funding this. It then pays for holidays etc.

So I think that’s the context in a nutshell.

The issue is DH has been putting me under pressure to increase my working days for some time now, but fundamentally I don’t think I would cope with it. I have the usual struggle of high pressured, stressful job, mental load, peri etc. I genuinely feel constantly on the brink of burnout. It’s day to day keeping me head above water. I don’t believe that ultimately DH would share the mental load in a way that it would reset the balance. Also, there has to be a business need for me to increase my hours and I don’t believe my firm would agree to it at the moment anyway. DH dismisses this. It would also make things so much harder in school holidays etc.

Ultimately I am sure DH is tired too and would like to reduce his hours. However overtime has always been his choice and he gets antsy if he thinks it’s not available. He makes out I’m overworking him by refusing to increase my hours.

Discussions around this always seem to end in an argument and I’m not sure where to go from here.

Did he want to be a parent? The faffing about at weekends sounds like he wants to get out of parenting. Hes in his 50s with a young child. He wants you to work full time while doing 100% of the child rearing.

Don't agree to this OP, he is not going to take on any of the domestic or childcare load, it's screamingly obvious from his attitude. 2 hours washing his car FFS.

Why does he get to decide?

It seems ‘obvious’ to me that he is doing all this overtime to avoid being at home and any caring responsibilities etc.

And he’s a selfish git. Sorry OP. You need to have a big chat with him. Are you happy?

One thing really sticks out - I do a bit of catch up work on my days off.
Yeah - so you aren't getting a day off are you? I work 3 days a week but I also have a side hustle that takes at least 1 full day more a week and sometimes 2. And therefore the reality is that I'm never really off. It's not as bad as full time but I certainly work more than 3 days. Factor in all of the children's mental load and 80% of the housework and yes I'm knackered too. (Currently on MN instead of working!!) So I don't think you do just work 3 days a week do you?

How spiteful and petty is he ?!

Imagine living in a nice two bed place with your child, getting CSA and peace at the weekend during his contact time

Bliss!

If your salary is 50 percent of income without husband's overtime, would it make more financial sense for you to go full-time and your husband 3 days?

The more I read the more I wonder why you are with him. He brings nothing to your life except money.
Frankly I think you should go do 4 days a week at work and divorce him. You won't notice a difference. If anything you'll have less to do as you won't have to pick up after a man child.
He wants you working full time but it's obvious from what you said he still won't do anything around the house or with the kids so leave him. He's a waste of space.

I wondered that too. Whose idea was it to have a child?

The rest of the weekend he’s doing “jobs”, but think a day pottering in the garden, 2hours plus washing his car. He will also do his exercise. He will do jobs that I would just outsource, like window cleaning and gutter cleaning but he refuses to pay for someone else to come in and do it. To be fair, he does do some jobs in the house

Send the 5 year old outside with him though? My DH would have our 2&4 year old with him when doing garden work or washing the car.

It sounds like without his overtime you wouldn’t be able to go on holiday or save so I can see his point that it’s needed. And realistically 2 days off when you have one 5 year old is a real luxury. It does make more sense for you to see if you can up one day and then he can drop the overtime and your household finances would actually be better off.
But you do seem set on keeping your 2 days off.

Oh, no no no.

I was getting prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, but your latest updates show his true colours. Can’t even be arsed to take his own child for a half-hour haircut?

I think we’re in “under no circumstances should you increase hours” territory. As a PP said, he’s either lining things up so he gets more assets in a divorce, or he has cocklodger mates with doormat wives and feels hard done by that he can’t also indulge his manchild tendencies like them.

He’s never going to agree to an equal split, so if I were you I’d be taking steps to kick the fucker out.

'jobs' - but like, what happens if those jobs don't get done (also, window washing/gutter cleaning is a few times a year, not a few times a week unlike laundry)

Ultimately my ex is an ex, but when he tried this stuff on me, I went with the 'do you want to do mornings or bedtimes - because we both work, so it's fair you do one' and he did bed times (And foolishly, I'd tidy up downstairs while he did it - after I'd reminded him to do it - whereas he just slept while I dealt with mornings) . It's worth a try - even if just on the days you both work (And the weekends). It's hard to argue against.

Ultimately though, he's not going to do anything, and we both know it. He's just looking for a way to either wring more work out of you, or have an excuse to divorce - so keep an eye on that, and don't over-commit to anything for hiim.

You need to get smart, OP. You have money, use it

Why are you spending your precious time off food shopping and cleaning? Get a cleaner, even every 2 weeks helps. Get a supermarket delivery pass, order a weekly grocery delivery, fill the freezer with batch cook/Cook ready meals. Start an earlier bedtime routine for your kid.

Most of all, make time and space in your life for you, whatever that means - a weekly long walk, a class, something you enjoy that means everything else stops.

It sounds to me like you’re resenting living in the life you’ve got while lamenting the life you used to have/think DH can change to give you. The sooner you realise you’re the captain of your own ship, the better. You’re in an excellent position career wise and life can only get easier - you are in charge of what happens next.

This wouldn’t come close to solving the problem.

a. I would end up working FT in a very stressful job, which would then eat into my evenings and weekend, plus I would still likely be doing all the mental load for DC.

b. There is no business need for my company to agree for me to work FT. I could potentially move companies, but for lots of reasons that would only increase the pressure I’m currently under.