AIBU that my girlfriend didn't help enough sorting house for sale

[cellary]

I'm a guy. Own my own home, live here with my girlfriend and our 2 girls. She also owns a home and we're selling both to buy together.

Her home is already under offer. It's unfurnished so there was no prep before photos, just some vacuuming which her aunt did.

My home where we live is having photos taken tomorrow. We had someone round to deep clean, but there was lots else to do , tidying and decluttering. I feel really let down by her lack of urgency getting the house ready. I'm meant to be working today but I spent so much time clearing most of the clutter up, doing the garden, etc. I've already taken time off work to get plenty done. She did a bit of tidying, cleaned some windows (not all), and didn't even clear all her clutter, there was still items on her bedside table that I had to clear. While the baby was napping she was sat on the sofa for about an hour while I was tidying.

I feel like she's putting no effort in and I'm questioning whether she even wants to buy with me

My ex never did anything like this. He just didn’t give a shit. It never changed

OP had said that he’d already taken a lot of time off work to sort the house and got a professional cleaner in.

I guess he just wanted his DP to help out considering the house selling means she gets to move, which is apparently what they both want.

Two separate issues.

Division of labour is the minor one.

The major issue is that you @cellary refer to the mother of your children as your girlfriend rather than your partner.

You need to be equal partners.

You may have different ideas about what is necessary to prepare a house for viewing. And she works as well as caring for two little ones, and she's done some clearing up. Are you stressed about the move?

Too late, I've already rolled my eyes at a previous post of his.
I do play with the baby evening and weekends

OP, you should have been better prepared yourself and certainly shouldn't have been doing the garden and DIY the day before. The last day is spent fluffing up cushions and running the hoover over. Who decided on the date for the photos before the bigger jobs were even done?

Not only do they live together, they share CHILDREN.

Join the real world - and read the OP properly.

As someone who works full time, has been on maternity leave, and has shared childcare equally with my DP (who took 6 months shared parental leave when I went back to work) - we can both tell you that looking after children 24/7 or all day is WAY harder than work.

My job is demanding and well paid, and it feels like a break to me now.

It doesn’t sound like you have that shared experience with your girlfriend, as I do with my DP. It helps us to respect the childcare we each do more.

I’d never begrudge my DP a break when he’s been solo parenting. Because I know what it’s like. This is why mandatory longer paternity leave would improve relationships, in my opinion.

edited for typos

Has the estate agent confirmed how much more value will be added, once you've done the DIY etc? People can see past normal life stuff, being about. I think that you are unrealistic about how much can be done, given the age of your children. Only do work that will add value. However more people want a low mortgage and to put their own stamp on a house, so you need to accept other people's opinions. Whose was all the clutter she was clearing? As said, if you didn't start weeks ago, then you needed a day off work.

Good advice here OP.

So how long have you lived together? Do you pull your weight with cleaning and tidying up in general? How often do you clean the toilet? You mentioned her aunt hoovering for her, but didn't mention how close she is to the house compared to your partner?

Basically my thought is that if youre a scruffy bugger who let your house fall into this state and then moved her in and expected her to now clean up your mess, you're unreasonable. If you've lived together for years, then yes, on the face of it at least, she needs to do more. The main thing I notice though is that you dont seem to like her very much.

The Summer holidays get earlier every year.

So you sort out your own stuff, her stuff and the baby stuff are her responsibility? Just like 99% of other men you massively underestimate the work involved in looking after children and overestimate how much you do.

‘Play with the baby’?

You should have booked time off. I moved with a 4yo and 18mo, and we got full packing because that is the only way I’m working and parenting and we are getting a house packed up. I still had the week off to sort and clear and supervise while they packed but I had the kids and it was So. Full. On.. Cut her some slack. Next time you take 15 minutes at work, make sure you have a go at yourself for letting the family down.

I think it is.

DIY is such a load of misogynistic bullshit anyway, deliberately hyped up like men are doing God's work.

I'll hold my hand up, I used to be scared to hammer a nail in the wall and j wanted my dad or husband to do it but when I recognised that i was part of the problem, I started doing my own DIY.

And do you know what? Once you get past the panic and overwhelm, most of it isn't that hard and once you start doing it the scales fall from your eyes about how much of a contribution it really is.

the problem is, the dishes get washed, the baby gets changed, weeknin and week out, and there is nothing physically tangible to show for it: a man puts up a shelf and he can forever point to that shelf and say "I contributed by putting up thst shelf". Visible vs Invisible labour.

There is no comparision to looking after children all day to working in an office. You never switch off. Even if the baby naps you are then catching up on clothes, meal prep, cleaning, nights. Even if baby is sleeping through the night, you are clued in and alert especially with the youngest. Its never ending. You are also watching other kids if you have them - in my case I've a 15 month old and 3 month old. I'm lucky to see a "rest" before 10pm at night and my dh is very hands on once he gets in from work.

You aren't unreasonable to need help but I think you completely underestimate the energy and work in minding kids fulltime never mind while she's working part time too.

I think they you are all just tired with a baby and house move and all so that a minor thing is irritating for you. I can see both sides, but in the end you are just all exhausted and it’s all feeling more annoying than otherwise

You’re being unreasonable just for this bone headed response. She works part time and when she’s not working she has the youngest by herself yet you think she’s having a break because the baby takes the occasional nap 🙄

With that attitude one could argue that you get a break every day that you leave the house for work because you’re not with the baby at all.

Do you not realise that whilst your baby naps your girlfriend is probably doing a load of washing, getting dinner ready, tidying up the mountain of toys and clothes left around by both children, writing up the shopping list or shock maybe just having half an hour to herself because the rest of her time she’s either at work or with a child.

You waltzing in and “playing with your baby” for a bit in the evening isn’t the same as having them all day and having to juggle running the house whilst keeping them happy and entertained. YABU.

When she has baby she gets more of a break than I do because baby still naps twice

Saying this reveals that you are fundamentally unaware of what it means to have the baby every day. When the baby sleeps is when you have to keep up with the background work that can't be done when the baby needs playing with. Laundry and dishes and planning/setup -all the "baby work" that means that next time you need something, it's pretty much ready.

In work, when you are having a break, a colleague is still working. When you "play with the baby" in the evening, who is responsible for the baby work?

When you say she does more childcare because you work more, do you mean the time you're physically at work? Is everything outside of your working hours 50/50?

You say your children generally sleep through the night, but were you sharing nights equally when they did get up through the night? Do you hold half the mental load? Do you split tasks like making a meal plan, food shopping, keeping on top of when each child needs new clothes/shoes, organising appointments, packing the school and nursery bag?

If you genuinely do 50/50 of all childcare and chores outside of your working hours, you have a point. But if you see looking after the children (and general housework) as more of her responsibility, even once you're home from work, then she deserves a break whilst you sort the house 🤷‍♀️

Just checking you’ve also worked part time and had the baby part time? If not then pipe down. My job is well known for being hard work believe me when I say having the baby/ kids at home is so so much harder. I definitely need a sit down at nap time!

What is wrong with the girlfriend supporting her boyfriend, or partner or however you wanna refer to it as.
This isn’t necessarily about division of labour, it’s about pulling together as a team and doing hard graft together so you can both benefit. You both decided to have 2 kids together now you both need to grow up and sort out the house together so you can sell it to get the family home. I think the lady is being stubborn. I think men get unnecessary bashing on MN.

There is no comparision to looking after children all day to working in an office.

^^ Quite. If it was genuinely preferable to men to be at home, more men would be.

Men: don't make out like your choices not to work part time or stay at home with the kids into something you hold over the head of the mother of your child.

If she was on her phone on the sofa there is a strong chance she was doing baby admin like booking appointments and classes, ordering a shop for the whole family, writing a list of things to pick up etc etc

you said you do DIY you didn’t mention who sorts all the food and laundry that’s a huge mental load and labour task too.

if she is ‘in charge of baby’ and you’re ‘in charge of house’ for the day then that’s fine, she probably didn’t want to get all covered in cleaning products when baby could wake up any moment.

It’s so weird not to value the rest of the person looking after your baby.

however, if you feel you never get a chance to rest then this is an issue that you need to problem solve for the sake of the whole family, together.