AIBU that my girlfriend didn't help enough sorting house for sale

[cellary]

I'm a guy. Own my own home, live here with my girlfriend and our 2 girls. She also owns a home and we're selling both to buy together.

Her home is already under offer. It's unfurnished so there was no prep before photos, just some vacuuming which her aunt did.

My home where we live is having photos taken tomorrow. We had someone round to deep clean, but there was lots else to do , tidying and decluttering. I feel really let down by her lack of urgency getting the house ready. I'm meant to be working today but I spent so much time clearing most of the clutter up, doing the garden, etc. I've already taken time off work to get plenty done. She did a bit of tidying, cleaned some windows (not all), and didn't even clear all her clutter, there was still items on her bedside table that I had to clear. While the baby was napping she was sat on the sofa for about an hour while I was tidying.

I feel like she's putting no effort in and I'm questioning whether she even wants to buy with me

That's pretty lucky. I still get woken by mine occasionally (illness, other random stuff - too light, too dark, too hot, too cold, can hear a weird noise), I wouldn't even think to tell my partner that I'd been up in the night with them unless it was something major.

Sometimes I have to work overtime and I also have to do a lot of DIY to get the house sellable. Otherwise I'm with them, I don't do hobbies or go out. I took a week paternity couldn't take more as in new job.

Does your partner not help?! Or wake up when you wake up?

FYI, no one gets a break while a baby naps, YABU

YABU you are underestimating how hard it is to look after a baby. My third is the same age. I’ve done it a few times. It’s tiring.

No, he sleeps through everything. It would be far more effort to wake him up than to just deal with it myself (when second was newborn we did do blocks of the night shared our). But then, I don't work shifts or have a dangerous job and have that to deal with. Things balance out in other ways.

I was really just trying to understand the context behind why the partner wasn't helping to sort out the house.

We both relax in the evening when the girls in the bed. Rest of the time if I'm working she is also either working or looking after the kids

You play with the baby on evenings and weekends. She cares for the baby all of the time, apart from when she is at work.

How much of the stuff that needed clearing was hers. You mentioned her stuff left on the bedside table. Was that it? If all the rest was yours then it was your job to clear. Sounds like you wanted her to be helping clear your clutter

If this is how you are feeling now then I suggest you take a pause and really think about the road ahead.

No good will come of you being the kind of partner where you say you recognise the work she does, but in the next breath say whatever you do is harder!! It diminishes everything she does and breeds resentment on both sides.

Now maybe she has done less in comparison to you however, I absolutely guarantee there is invisible work and mental load that she is carrying that you either don’t see or are simply not acknowledging.

This is a good opportunity to have a really open and honest conversation about things. You need to work really hard for this conversation to not be a scoring board of who does what, otherwise you will find no resolution. It’s a conversation meant to discuss your feelings around the load that you each carry, mental, physical etc and you really really need to hear one another and respect the other persons point of view, even if you disagree with it. From there you can work out how to help and support each other and appreciate what you BOTH bring to the table.

If you can’t do this now, then like I would pump the brakes on buying together.

Speaking from a 50+ year marriage ( I was young ), if you want a long relationship it’s give and take! Don't sweat the small stuff.

Who doesn't, but when you need stuff done, you need to get on with it.

You are not being unreasonable asking for a team effort. It’s not like it’s a weekly thing since it needed a deep clean. She should have found the pull from somewhere. Are you sure you want to stay together? She won’t change. You’d be better off being a 50/50 Dad.

I didn't expect me to clear my clutter. Just her stuff, and maybe the baby stuff since I had a lot of other things to get ready

I feel for you OP. She should be helping out a bit more. I note that she had her aunt hoover her own home (?!) so she needs to lift her finger up and help you out. Especially as you both reside there. Sounds like most of the clutter is hers too.

Wow. She gets break for two naps 👏🏼 you really have no idea. I already have a 1 year old thankfully no other children to care for and I’m done in even working part time. Give her a break, she seems like she is doing a lot already.

I think YABU to expect a mother who works part time and also has 2 young children (one of whom is only 1) to be running herself ragged decluttering and washing windows. Just accept that you both should have been better prepared.

You could have specified that your 'deep clean' included windows.

You must have known you were planning to sell for some time. You could have started decluttering and packing months ago. You could have hired storage for a month and whacked everything you couldn't be bothered sorting in there, while photos and initial viewings were taking place.

Being a poor cleaner isn't, on its own, something that should have you questioning your relationship, so I find that an odd thing to say, unless you feel she is deliberately trying to scupper the house sale.

Yep this

Ooh you’ve messed up here
this will now prompt a lot of responses asking why you see baby things as her job. You’re on a hiding to nothing now

Hmmm. It doesn’t sound like you appreciate the effort of looking after an under one year old. Who plans and makes the baby’s meals multiple times per day, cleans and sorts the baby’s clothes, and are you really getting the same amount of rest in the evening? Or does she settle the baby, clear up after the baby and do any next day planning and preparation for the baby that is needed?

When we had viewings, we scooped up absolutely everything left out into black bin liners (separate ones for each room) and bunged them in the boots of both cars (with the back seats down) and covered with a large blanket.

It was very quick to do and really easy to get the stuff back on the correct rooms afterwards. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not that I see it as her job, just that I had a lot of other things to do with the garden, sorting the office, my own items, so would have been good to have more help with the baby items

So if you get breaks at work, why can't she have a break when the baby is napping? She is literally your childcare so that you can work so do you really begrudge her that? It's not like you can declutter at work on a break so literally all she is having is the same as you.

And I thought the statutory entitlement to paternity was 2 weeks? Did you opt for 1 week?

did you know you can take 18 weeks per child unpaid leave? Perhaps now is a good time to use that? So you can "help" or do half thenbaby things.

Is that a clever way of saying she did nights?

Why are you meant to be working today if you have a house to get ready to sell? Why didn't yountake time off?

You should have booked at least one day off to do the necessary work. Your GF was probably seriously pissed off that you didn't, and intended her to do the lion's share whilecalso tend8ng tomsmall children.