Mental Load

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Apologies as this may be a long one. I've just found out my nephew has chicken pox, we were around him yesterday and my 10 month old was exposed and likely to catch it. We're due to go on holiday in 3 weeks time - I said to my husband that I was worried about numerous things, our son catching it and becoming ill, or it preventing us from going on holiday. I tried to explain that it would be morally wrong to still go away if he is contagious etc due to it being highly infectious and there likely being numerous vulnerable on the plane (pregnant ladies, people with compromised immunity) My husband completely dismissed me - stated that he is sick of me worrying/stressing about 'potential things' Every time I express I'm stressed or worried about anything, it's dismissed. I tried to explain the other week that I was feeling stressed about our eldests birthday as we hadn't yet bought any gifts etcs and I needed to get stuff sorted. I do the entire mental load. I feel like I spend my whole life stressed because I do all the mental load. My husband has no idea when things are etc. If it wasn't for me the kids (or his family) wouldn't have gifts on their birthday. He has no idea when our youngest is due to start nursery (or the fact that our funding application needs submitting)
I'm currently on MAT leave but historically when we've been in work, it's been me who has planned all childcare during the school holidays - he wouldn't even know when they were etc.
It's me that plans everything, if I ask him to food shop I'm constantly met with 'make me a list'
I don't even get the point of this post! And the above are just small examples.It's not even about the chicken pox, it's about the fact I'm being told to 'stop always stressing' by somebody who has the luxury to never stress because I do everything.

Tell him he’s an utter failure as a husband but, more importantly, an utter failure as a dad.

Tell him that there is going to be a redivision of labour in your home. Tell him that you won’t be buying his family gifts anymore, so he’ll need to sort it or deal with his upset family himself. Tell him that he needs to do the nursery funding form and if he doesn’t, then he’ll need to arrange to take time off to care for them until it’s sorted. Tell him the thought of having to write a seemingly competent adult a shopping list makes your vagina clamp shut. Tell him that women do not find incompetent men sexually attractive and every time he fails at family life, you lose a bit more respect for him. What kind of father doesn’t know where his children are while their parents are both at work? Who their dentists are? Who their friends are?

Look up Abby Eckel. She posts (on FB IG and TikTok) about the mental load and husbands checking out, weaponised incompetence etc

you can get free help for your worrying on the NHS talking therapies

Agree.

And read/listen to/check out Eve Rodesky ‘Fair Play’ then get him to.

If he gets it, he should take on more. If he doesn’t then you’ll need to reassess.

Stop doing gifts for his family (let them know and why), stop doing his laundry as a starting point.

The invalidation of your stress is shit. My ex used to do it all the time. I even got sneered at for refusing to climb on to the back seat of the car, take the baby out of his chair and breastfeed him … whilst travelling on a motorway!!! I’m over anxious don’t you know!

If you divorced him then he’d have to 50/50 childcare, all his own shopping, cleaning, laundry etc. He’d have to sort childcare on his days. He’d have to know it all. If you died he’d have to take over.

He is benefitting from years of patriarchy and you need to address this or you will lose all respect for him.

Whaaat? Don’t pathologist normal parent stress.

He needs to watch some Alex Trippier videos

Won't be popular but I kind of agree with him. There's no point in stressing over things you can't control and borrowing problems from the future. That would drive me mad too.

There's no point stressing over gifts either. 20 minutes on internet, home delivery. Really quick and no need to stress.

That said, just stuff slide until he get the message. No shopping, let him go hungry - just feed you & the kids. Tell him do it online and you might even check it the first time but there are two adults in the house, time he stepped up and did his fair share.

With respect This lady doesn’t need therapy.
she needs a husband to step up and be an actual life partner. A Co-parent. Share the load. She needs to feel supported. She stresses because she knows if she doesn’t do it or remember it -it doesn’t get done. No one has her back.

also OP on a lighter note look up and listen to farideh’s song “make a list”

And this is why it's sometimes easier to parent alone!

In my experience and the experience of my friends,there definitely seems to be a link between stress/anxiety/worry, and being (or feeling like you are) the sole person responsible for the mental load.

Of course he doesn’t need to worry about X and Y, because if X and Y do happen, you’ll take care of it. To him birthday presents, dates for the diary, shopping lists, forms to fill out etc is “small stuff” because he doesn’t bare the weight of remembering when it’s all due and what’s needed when. But it’s so hard to relinquish that control of the mental load when you know that your kids will suffer the consequences of him not buying the right food, filling the form out on time, not buying the presents etc.

Sorry prob not a helpful reply but just want to say you’re not imagining it, you’re not alone and it really sucks.

It isn’t just the mental load, he sounds like a complete areshole.

So, he's a shit dad and a shit partner.

This isn't normal and you deserve better!

how did you end up like this? It can’t have happened over night. It won’t be fixed overnight either.

Why the hell are you arranging presents for his family? Don't do it, don't remind him. If he complains, tell him to stop stressing. Apply the same principle with other things - nothing where your child would suffer, but where it would be inconvenient for DH. "Eh? No, I didn't do X. You said I should stop stressing so I lay on the couch with a bottle instead". Leave some things to him, and if he doesn't do them, they don't get done.

Your baby won’t be contagious in three weeks’ time if s/he gets chicken pox now, so that’s one less thing to worry about.

I am sorry you feel like this though, I’m a worrier too, so I do get it. Unfortunately it can annoy those around us who were seemingly born without the ability to worry!

What a loser.
Stop having children with him.
Stop doing anything for his side of the family.
He is a waster and you are facilitating it.
Stop doing anything that benefits him.
Stop cooking anything he likes.
You have made a total doormat of yourself and it is wearing you out.
Mind yourself.
He won't.

Firstly on the chicken pox, it’s all unknown - I was in the exact situation and we did go on holiday and DS aged 12 months did come out in spots during the flight on the way home. But I didn’t overthink or stress about it. There was no way of knowing for sure if he’d get it or not. My DD did not catch it after seeing her cousin who got it.

re. The other stuff I think you need to try and stress less. Make lists of the stuff that needs doing - I use Apple reminders, on a shared list. His mum birthday is on his list on repeat each year - if he doesn’t do it she won’t get a present. Same with kids presents.

Re: kids summer plans, again put on list for March and sit down and discuss options together. Same with the nursery funding. Add it to a reminder on a shared space. Re: food shopping I set up a weekly Tesco order of same stuff each week ie I add basics and he goes in adds stuff.

You're worrying about something you cannot control.

The bit about gifts for his family is ridiculous. What woman buys gifts for her DH's family in 2026? He does NOT give a shit. Stop doing it.

He sounds selfish but you also sound a bit of a martyr.