I’m the problem aren’t I?

[fizzydish]

After surviving a 3 year abusive narcissist, I took some time to work on myself and get therapy. I met a man online who was 32, so a bit younger than me (39). He love bombed me, then confessed he was a virgin (!) and had never had a girlfriend. After a couple of months of love bombing, the control started - wanting to see me constantly; complaining that my work and friends came before him, twisting everything, gaslighting me, etc. He lived with his parents. Told me he had 30k saved for a deposit, was house hunting. That was a lie. He had 3k and couldn’t get a mortgage. Said he had to live at home so long cos his parents are getting old (they’re in their late 50s!)

I ended that “relationship” as I recognised the signs.

fast forward and I have met a wonderful man. However he is also a virgin (what are the odds!!) he’s 34. Has his own house, good job. Treats me well. Very thoughtful. Sweet. Doesn’t brag about how much he does for me (like the last guy did). Remembers the small things that matter. He is literally perfection, the exact type of man I should want.

yet here I am doubting it. Thinking he’s using me for experience, or that he doesn’t really fancy me, he’s just settling cos nobody wants him (he said I was his only match on the app). Thinking it’s going to end, or that it’s not genuine. Doubting my attraction to him.

im either self sabotaging or falling for someone who is fake (again) and I don’t know which.

years of therapy has taught me that I felt I don’t deserve love or good things. I’m working on changing how I feel

my own insecurities (I’m a size 18, overweight and I hate my body) make me feel like he couldn’t possibly fancy me.

how do I stop myself driving this man away?

Go for it

Oh dear! I'm sorry to hear what you've been through up until now OP. I think the only thing you can do, is continue to work on building your confidence, and in the meantime, take this relationship really slowly.

How long have you been seeing him? He's told you he's a virgin, which to me is a bit of a red flag, particularly at his age, is there any reason for this, ie., has he had a very sheltered upbringing, or been ill for a long time or something, meaning that he hasn't been on the dating scene much? What reason has he given you for it, as getting to 34 and still being a virgin in this day and age seems highly unlikely to me?

Please don't feel that your size means that no one would fancy you OP, lots of men like us bigger ladies, and the more you build your confidence, the less you will feel like that. Concentrate on making the best of yourself so that you feel good about the way you look. Do you exercise, and wear clothes that make you feel good when you look in the mirror? Do you do a job that will help build your confidence? Do you find this man attractive? Presumably you haven't yet had sex with him?

I don't think virginity at 34 is a red flag...society puts such a value on having sex by teens/20s - look at the comments around Ann Widdecombe! - it's probably just that he is (or was) shy / introverted. Being a late starter - even a very late starter - doesn't need to mean anything worrisome.

@fizzydish I would focus on provable facts. Does he treat you with respect? And respect your boundaries? Generous or tight?
How does he respond when he doesn't get his way? And is there chemistry?

If you can answer positively to these questions then the signs are good.

Also how does he show you his attraction to you?

I’d take it slow he needs to earn your trust. Make sure your life is full with friends and family and he is in addition to that. Ask about his choices, what’s stopped him from meeting someone.
it’s good you are on the look out for red flags there’s nothing wrong with being careful and taking things slow. Try not to best your self up, you are doing all the right things and if you shout down your inner voice you might stop listening to it/trusting it. If this man is a good one he will be happy to match your pace.