DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute violation of your agency, privacy and boundaries all over again.

Fuck all of these awful men. Your DH included. How dare they hold council together to decide whether you're being unreasonably upset that one of them interrogated you about being raped when he wasn't even supposed to know?!

The fact that you're upset is enough. That is the thing that needs addressing. Not his feelings about it.

Now you know that they've been having a good old gossip behind your back. At worst, because it was titillating for them. At best, so they can mutually reassure and congratulate themselves that they're the good guys.

But B fucked up and said the quiet bit out loud. He has exposed himself as a complete creep and now all the group are invested in trying to row it back so they can keep feeling like they're the good guys when the truth is they've been complicit in perpetuating the violation.

Bunch of cunts. I'm furious on your behalf. I hope you went scorched earth on them in your message.

I don’t really see why there needs to be a meeting or why any of the others need to be involved?

I would invite B round to your house and in front of your husband, outline all of the things he said.

Is he claiming he doesn’t remember saying them?

I suspect he would get a kick out of Op having to repeat the things he said to her

almost like putting her on the stand with his mates as the jury as he denies it all

the whole thing is sick

Well done, OP, you are being very brave.

You are still not a confrontational person.

Unless you have insulted them/called them names etc then you are just being assertive.

As women we are told not to - to be ‘nice’ girls. Not make a fuss etc.

Imagine you are a tall, white, middle class man… still feel anxious? Or do you just accept that you have a right to privacy? A right to respect? A right to state your boundaries directly?

PS: If you have insulted them and called them babes you’ll get a cheer from me, not judgement.

Yup. 💯

The husband was wrong. He may have said it without thinking but he needs to take full accountability and have her back with this fully even if it means losing his awful friends.

Do you need to know how they reply?
May be out your phone away for a bit. Do something to settle your body. Putting in boundaries can feel scary because we know others might push back. But boundaries are a good thing. They honour you and protect you. You are showing yourself the respect they didn’t.

And if your husband suddenly hates you then that will be VERY useful information about your marriage. Painful but very useful.

The only response from him that would reassure me that he has your wellbeing at the centre of this is full accountability, apology and full compliance with your wishes (if legal and respectful).

Please don't worry about what your DH thinks if you! None of this is your fault.

What truly shit friends dh has, if this had happened in our circles, we would be inundated with calls and messages of support - and B would be cast out without question. The issue is the culture of the group, not just the predatory behaviour of B, this is precisely how they operate in plan sight op.

@Anon8761 "my friends said the 'does he satisfy you' comment was inappropriate etc"

Inappropriate! Jesus fucking Christ, this is one of the worst things I've read on Mumsnet. OP, your DH only cares about his friends not you. He also has an extremely weird almost cult like relationship with them which is pretty disturbing. Any decent man would bin the bloody lot of them off, but then he's the one that told them all in the first place. Their collective behaviour is very far from normal, trust me. I'm almost speechless, this whole thing is weird beyond all rational belief and actually very troubling. I would seriously consider your future OP. Please look after yourself.

Well done OP 👏🏼

I'm afraid this is a group of absolutely horrible men (including your husband) and I honestly cannot picture a scenario in real life in which any men I know would want to discuss how one of their wives was raped as s teenager. It's so beyond the realms of normal that I'm afraid this is a group of perverts and I wouldn't be able to see my husband in the same light let alone forgive him.

All of this. I feel like by rationalising this fucking insane situation it really diminishes THE ABSOLUTELY UNIMAGINABLE INSANITY of it. I'm totally speechless 😳

100% this. Genuinely can't believe what I'm reading, how dare they, any of them. In this situation there is absolutely no way on earth my DH would have told anyone, and if a friend of his found out somehow and behaved in the way B did he would be incandescent with rage. Sending all strength and power to you OP

It is unimaginable insanity and some. I can hardly believe what I've read.

I’m afraid I agree with this.
And what exactly is there to discuss? Your husband has said he will not tolerate B ever again. End of. B was pervy, creepy, and extremely offensive and he stood drinking alcohol in a public bar probing you about your rape and sex life. There is absolutely no way that would ever be forgiven, and that’s what the guys want. B to say oh I didn’t mean to upset you, and you to accept his apology. And life goes on. No way.

Of course B is going to lie. It’s the only way he can survive and stay friends with the group. He’s not going to say he was a creepy pervert who was coming into his mates wife….

Your trauma is not up for discussion with them. Neither is your sex life. And why would you tolerate such disgusting behaviour. B will never step foot in your house. Will never be invited to any event, and will be totally ignored from now on. So what if they’ve known each other for 30 years. If he was a paedophile would they defend him?

Your hubby needs to come out fighting now. He should tell them to stop gossiping about you, and give it a bloody rest. There will be no meeting and he will not socialise with B in any way and if they don’t like that, maybe they should all reflect on how they would feel if B had behaved like that with their wives….

They sound like a really weird bunch of men- are they deeply religious, is it some sort of cult set up or Freemasons or something? I can’t think of one group of men who know who would behave like this. You sound like you’re being very wrong and handling it well op, they sound like a bunch of weirdos.

It gets worse

Even his boss in work knows too.
And my MIL.

:( eugh.

Most likely small town, small minded men. Yes not unusual to see this culture flourish unchallenged over a period of decades. The misogyny sets in early. It consolidates over the years, reinforced and tested every once in a while - and the group pulls together for protection.

It’s the worst example of group dynamics, it’s precisely how child abusers and other sexual predators work. They are just ‘boys’ after all - it’s rife in some parts, and you don’t have to dig far to find it.

If the dh is weak and compliant he is going to find this situation pretty unbearable highlighting his weakness and lack of respect in the group. His wife and her trauma is fair game. It’s honestly heartbreaking and I can only hope she has RL support in place.

Why? What's the explanation this time? Were his mother and his boss also making tasteless jokes about sexual assault?

Is there any fecker he HASN'T told?

HIS BOSS AT WORK?

Love, I know splitting a family is dreadful - but do you really want to stay under the same roof as your SHIT of a husband?

It seems everyone knows.
Bar me...

DH has told people like his boss, years ago. He had YEARS to tell me he'd told him... Another man.

He said it was Incase he needed to leave in an emergency? And his MIL as she looks after our DC?!

I don't understand. I'm so disappointed. I am actually lost for words. Sorry.

Yeah, this (the co-dependency on their school friendship group) isn't actually that rare. I'm from a small village and my best friend married a guy on the fringe of the man-group (he left for 15 years so is less entrenched). Most of them like their mates better than their wives (one of whom divorced one man and married his friend...)

Your husband is a fucking pig. How DARE he share that information so freely?
I'm so, so sorry OP, I could never trust him again.

@Anon8761 I'm so sorry he's done this to you. It's disgraceful, awful, and a complete betrayal of trust. I don't know how you can come back from this, but I hope you are okay!