Please please help … messages to another woman

[alwaysleftoutt]

Please help me in spiralling.

I’m in a relationship with someone I’d thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. He proposed to me a year ago. I’ve embraced his kids and his problematic ex and I’ve struggled with insecurity issues from this. I don’t know what to think anymore

My partner has always been vocal about how much he hates cheating. Says it’s abhorrent and if there’s someone else you like you should just end the relationship. His dad had a whole other family with another woman behind his mums back and tore the family apart. I’ve always trusted him 100%.

Last few weeks my minds been screaming at me “he’s cheating”. It came out of nowhere until I noticed he’d followed a random (very pretty) girl on Instagram. Insecurity got the better of me and I asked who she was. He said she was his little sisters friend and he knew her briefly as they’d grown up in the same area when younger. Told myself I was being insecure and moved on.

The thought kept coming but I tried to ignore it. The other day I noticed her story at the top of his instagram page whilst he was showing me reels, again I asked, and he said “oh yeah me and Tina (not real name) are a thing”.

Today again he’s showing me stuff on instagram. He clicks on his messages and I see her name. I asked to see his phone, he grabbed it back off me but eventually gave me it and said I could read it.

They’ve been messaging for 2 weeks ish. Catching up about life. She started it sending him a picture of them from when they were younger (she’s not his little sisters age like he told me). Then she said she’s just ended a 10 year relationship and rediscovering life. Talking about a “group reunion” with the friendship group.

I asked him why he’d told me she was his sisters friend, he said they were in a friendship group but she was younger so assumed he was his sisters age (his sister is 12 years younger than him wtf).

The messages go on and he talks about his kids and his time in the army but there’s zero mention of me.

I asked why? He said “it didn’t come up” and “she can see pictures of you on my page anyway”

She most recently sent voice notes on Friday but he didn’t reply. In them she’s talking about how she nearly came by our city for a trip with her sister and she should have just come because a “reunion is needed”.

I lost my mind and said he was massaging his and her egos and it’s not what people in committed relationships do. This is the man who constantly says men and women can’t be friends as they always end up sleeping together.

He said he didn’t think it was weird but said he did think it got weird when she sent voice notes so didn’t reply.

I asked why I wasn’t mentioned. He said well she’d just told me she’d ended a 10 year relationship so it didn’t feel “kind” to “rub in her face our happiness”

He threw his phones at the wall, grabbed my wrist to get his phone, broke the fan and threw it at the wall leaving a dint.

Am I reading too much into this - is it my insecurity? I would never have expected this from him, I really wouldn’t. I just don’t know what to do.

‘his problematic ex and I’ve struggled with insecurity issues from this.’

Right so he was already a walking red flag!

I think he’s not marriage material, I think he’s a cheating, angry, gaslighting creep, but can you explain more about this problematic ex and how it’s led to your insecurities?

I don't think the messages are necessarily a problem but his reaction with throwing the phones and the fan, and grabbing your wrist are.

Wtaf am I reading this morning? First thread about putting a cord around a wrires neck for a joke and 2nd thread being this.
FFS what is wrong with some men?

*Writer's neck.

There is no coming back from this, it’s over. He’s leading this woman on with his messages and he’s lying to the person he’s engaged to about it. And worse than both of those things he’s been violent towards you.

Could you go in to work today and say ‘oh my wrist is a bit sore because Pete grabbed me during an argument’ or to someone in your family ‘I must buy a new fan today because Pete threw ours at the wall when we we’re fighting about him texting another woman. There’s a hole in the wall now’ Probably not because those aren’t normal things and they aren’t acceptable.

"Me and Tina are a thing"

What does that mean?

You know, don't you @alwaysleftoutt that he is intending to cheat physically and is already cheating emotionally?

The violence sums it up.

You can carry on and believe him when he says nothing is going on, but you won't be happy because you won't trust him

In fact, you haven't been happy for a long while if things have always been difficult because of his ex

You deserve to be happy

Please leave and don’t entertain conversation about this. It’s not the messages, it’s the violence. You deserve so much more than this. Take some time to work on your self-esteem and do not settle for this.

Also, just remember you don’t have to have court level evidence of cheating before you leave. You’re allowed to leave because you feel things aren’t working out.

What is your living/work situation? Have you got somewhere else you can go?

Males.

The most unhinged species.

The messages aren't the problem here. His anger and violence are. I think you know this. Listen to what your instinct is telling you. You can't continue in this relationship.

I know the violence is wrong.

im just trying to work out if i was justified in raising concerns about the messages - and essentially accusing him of loving the attention

You are justified in raising whatever you want to raise when yon are in a relationship with someone without them grabbing you and throwing things at walls.

You are right when you say ‘it’s not something that people in committed relationships do’. They don’t message women and tell them their life story without mentioning they are engaged. That’s a part of what’s going on.

You are totally justified to expect him not to message other women - although he’ll try to convince you otherwise.
The anger, throwing stuff around and grabbing you are all red flags but you know this.
I wonder what his problematic ex had to put up with?
You have some decisions to make, be brave and sensible about your future.

You're entitled to ask questions, and most people would be suspicious given his dishonesty. It doesn't read like anything happened yet, but it's beside the point. He's been talking to someone and lied about who they are. That's going to raise alarm bells.

But OP it looks like you think if you were wrong to raise the messages that it changes anything. It doesn't. From here you won't dare question him again, will you? Who knows what happens next time.

Of course you're justified. Why do you need to ask that? The fact that he's so defensive says, to me, that he's guilty

You know the violence is wrong but you are wondering if you should have asked the question? Honey, normal people don't grab their partner and throw and break stuff because people ask a question or point out that behaviour in talking to a particular someone is making the other person feel uncomfortable. Leave him. Leave him now. Or next time, it will be something thrown at you or worse. Just love yourself enough to leave

Thank goodness you are not married, OP. You deserve better.

You’re not overreacting.
He doesn’t know right from wrong - I though the fact he already has kids and a ‘problematic ex’ was also a huge red flag; as is the part about his dad - what a role model he’s had.
Id leave at this point & not look back! Good luck xx

You’ve got a bigger problem than flirty messages.

You're with someone who throws things in anger like a toddler and can’t control his nasty temper.

Throw this twit back.

In my experience, the ones who make the most noise about despising cheating are usually cheats. I don't know the psychology behind it, I just know what's happened to me over the years & it's been a definite pattern.

He’s violent.

He’s dishonest.

He is not who you think he was.

Please don’t spend another hour with him, let alone the rest of your life.

His ex was not the problem.

Throwing things, damage to property, grabbing your wrist - he’s showing his true colours.

Id walk away, fast.

This.

He's absolutely flirting with the idea of cheating with this woman even if he won't admit it to himself, and he is also violent and aggressive. Please do yourself a favour and leave him.

The violence is enough to be leaving him, whether the messages are just friendly or not is academic.
You can insecure and gaslit. You need to get out and then maybe get some counselling or read some books to build up your self esteem.