Constantly thinking about having an affair

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I'm mortified I'm even posting this but here goes..

I'm in an emotionally abusive and controlling marriage. It's taken a long time for me to realise this and although I've told him I'm leaving I'm still here. There are practical implications why I've not left including my disability

I keep daydreaming about having an affair. I get on well with someone who just brings lightness into my life. Its just friendship, there genuinely is nothing there at all, and I wouldn't ever do anything so why am I daydreaming about it? Am I a terrible person?

You're daydreaming as a way to escape your abusive relationship. I'm sorry it's difficult for you to leave but I really hope you manage it eventually. Being with an abusive twat is soul destroying 💐

Thank you, I think I am slowly getting there in understanding how I need to leave. Its so so hard, I just don't know if I'm strong enough and go to the default setting of preferring to see myself unhappy than upsetting my children's lives, upsetting my family who think he's amazing and upsetting friends who I know won't ever believe what he can be like. The little daydreams are absolutely a little pretend piece of life where I'm happy. I worry that if anything did ever come of the friendship with this other person that I would absolutely indulge it, probably just to feel something again you know?

No I don't understand, you say you can't leave your abusive marriage because it might upset your children and family, but you would have an affair that might come back to bite you on the ass and blow your whole world up. No, it doesn't make any sense.

The daydreaming about having an affair is a distraction technique from dealing with your problems. It doesn't matter what your family, his family and/or your friends think - you are in an abusive relationship and need to find a way to leave. You can call Women's Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and get some support. They will help you make a plan to leave safely. You know this is what you need to do. If you're worried about your children, you will be setting them the best example by leaving - would you want your children to stay with an abusive partner?

In the meantime, if you feel in immediate danger, please call 999 and speak to the police.