Just a normal football mum with a needy neighbour

[Moofighter]

So, just wondering AIBU?
We have taken the neighbours child, alongside my son, to football training sessions and league matches the following day. We expected nothing in return and have been doing this for 2+ years. We recently let the parents know that the arrangement could not continue as I am fed up of changing our plans to accommodate their child. Since this, they have not played out like normal neighbours/ children. This makes me so sad, that they don't play out together anymore 😢. The reason we take their child is because they have 1 vehicle in their house and this is used at the weekends for work purposes.
I feel like such a bitch for finally putting my foot down but this one way arrangement was getting too much.

I can’t believe you lasted 2 years. You did well to stop it but waited far too long. I was in a similar situation and the arrangement stopped after I realised I was driving every other week but the other 2 parents married to each other did one week each a month as opposed to each of us only doing every 3 weeks. It pissed me off because I was a knackered single mum juggling work and kids and I still had to ferry my own DD which was tight getting them both to places on time. I felt used, disappointed in my friends and let down.

That does sound very unfair, especially if they had the means to do an equal share. I have a spouse and I know how difficult it has been to do runs, with support. The mental load and planning is another level. We are nt friends with our neighbours....I don't know if that's worse or better 😢

It’s obviously fine for you to stop doing something that has become onerous, but it’s not clear to me why you were always ‘changing your plans to accommodate their child’ if they live next door and you were always taking your own child to training and matches?

I guess this depends how you view it. On the face of it, it is fair as the favours are directly returned, so you take their child 1 week, they take yours next week. You are asking them to see the bigger picture, that your life as a single parent is harder than theirs and divide by adult rather than child. Did you talk about moving to a 3 week cycle? It seems a bit shortsighted to stop and then have to drive every week.

In terms of the OP, I'd be fed up if things were never reciprocated. It doesn't have to be the same, but offering playdates or help in other ways or having you round for a meal. I'd stop if it is impacting plans e.g. having to go straight home after.

I was wondering why you changed your plans as well, unless you were planning to miss some training sessions, but didn’t so neighbours son wouldn’t miss out on a training session.

is your son continuing the training? If so, could you continue taking neighbour when you attend, but make it clear that it won’t be every week, or they’d have to find alternative arrangements to bring the boy home?

Edited to say I just noticed you are not friend with neighbours. One of those situations that started of small and now has got bigger. Why did they join a football club they couldn’t get their child to?

Another one here wondering how the neighbours kid made you change your plans. If you told the neighbours that you were fed up with their kid I can see why they won't let their kid play with yours. There seems to be some animosity there.

I'm a bit confused by your post OP.

Sorry everyone, a few questions regarding change of plans etc. Not aure how obvious it is to people but after a match or training we weren't always going straight home. I have parents who live locally and would sometimes need to drop by.
Also, I'm not a taxi service!
We were doing this since the child was 6 or 7, he's now 9. Wiping his tears, tieing shoe laces etc. I didn't mind while the spouse was "looking" for another job. But 2 + yrs of waiting with very little communication isn't fair in my opinion.
Also, if the children are playing together, as a favour then technically they are both enjoying each other's company 🤔. The favour was reciprocated only twice possibly, with lifts.

You say you did this and expected nothing in return. But then say you're ending it because it's not reciprocated? So... you did want them to do something in return?

Yanbu to want to stop doing it, although personally I think I'd have said that you can carry on but that you can't do it every time because you sometimes have other plans.

I’m sure I’ve read this exact same thread very recently. Have you posted this before OP?

I don’t understand why you would carry on for so long without saying anything. That’s odd. If you didn’t want to do it or if you wanted the neighbour to take turns doing it you should have said something.

I agree with this. You worded it like you were happy to help them and had done it altruistically expecting nothing in return yet you’re dropping the arrangement suddenly saying they didn’t offer anything in return? It doesn’t make sense. What do you want exactly?

Did they ever offer anything in return over the two years? I’m just wondering if they offered to pay fuel, bought little gifts of thanks etc? Also did you give them any warning or did you just randomly say sorry I’m not doing this anymore out of the blue?

I don’t think it sounds like they necessarily did anything wrong. You offered to help, they accepted and it’s continued for two years seemingly without complaint from you. You’ve now dropped it suddenly by the sound of things because you want to do different things after the match rather than returning their son home first. No wonder they’re peeved.

So for all those years, the parents haven’t really watched their DC training or their matches? The DC will remember that when he grows up. You did a good thing, but I get it would be inconvenient - at least if they were reciprocated in someway, it would have had its benefits. As much as I feel bad for their kid, The parents need to step up and figure out a way to sort it out. They are just spiting their kid by not letting their kid play out with yours. It shows what type of people and parents they are. If you see them in passing, I would maybe say your DC has been asking about their DC and when they can play out… Maybe something like that can break the ice again because they may be feeling awkward now. Once you’ve said that the ball is truly in their court.

I know how you feel op, after football training we often will pop somewhere afterwards. Or if it’s an away match, we stay to explore the area if there’s anything nearby. I’d hate to just keep coming straight home to drop another child off.

Yanbu.
They were cheeky fxxkers.

We were just waiting for the mum to find another job. We hardly ever spoke about the " arrangement". It went from a favour to an expectation. We were all forced to change clubs this season and they didn't really want to chat about this. Even though it would be slightly further out 😕

Exactly, it was getting tiring.

You’re also guilty because you didn’t mention issues either. You’ve gone from 0-100 in 3 seconds rather than having an adult conversation first.

No, they have hardly watched him. Didn't even bother to make arrangements to watch him during tournaments. Makes me sad for him. In some ways, this may make the parents step up.

I had that after I was widowed too. Some couples see themselves as a unit so think you should drive double what each of them are

No never posted this before.

That's just plain cheeky. I would never think of it that way. Just shows that we all think so differently.

But bluntly, that’s on you for doing it resentfully for two years if it didn’t suit you. You just say ‘Can’t drop X home tomorrow as we have other plans so you will need to collect him from the game’.

It was a short message to a parent saying don't expect us to take your child with us to the new football club. If I was in their position, I would have asked for a conversation regarding this, not to feel entitled about it.

We never expected anything in return. Any gifting was mutual so no benefit to us overall. The children were friends but really, using their child as a pawn and om demand play mate in return is unfair on their child too.