To Wonder About Disclosing Past To New Guy I'm Dating

[NiceOutfitFeelGood]

I'm 38, a woman. Started dating a 36 year old guy who I've known a long time, but have not been that close to him before. We are in the same social circle but I have my own social circles separatel too. I am on the outskirts of our mutual group, you could say.

Anyway, I've started dating him. Still very new, about 2 months in now. We are getting on so nicely and seeing each other regularly. I don't want to tempt fate but... its nice. Really nice.

Anyway. I don't know if I'm straight, gay, or what. Whatever, i dont care. My last relationship was for several years with a guy. But, in my past I have dated / been with other girls a couple of times.

Do I need to mention this to new guy? I'm slightly fretting about this. I don't really want to say anything tbh. But I'm worried someone else might say something further down the line, if we work out, and what then? He might feel stupjd/hurt that I didn't tell him. Would he have the right to be?

It's just annoying because I don't see it as relevant and it's not like I'd be fretting about telling him about guys Ive been with before.

Do I mention it or not?

I wouldn’t lie but I wouldn’t volunteer the information either as it’s irrelevant. I have never asked partners about their past, if it comes up organically in conversation that’s different.

I think it depends on how serious you are getting. Have you discussed being exclusive etc. Has he discussed anything from his own past.

I think if you do tell him then it will clarify pretty quickly if he is homophobic or a creep who immediately suggests a threesome. What is holding you back from saying something now?

Because you have mutual friends and he might hear it from them, I think you should tell him. Otherwise he'll feel that you have been lying to him if someone else tells him - no one likes to feel that everyone else knew something like this and he didn't. No need to make a big deal of it but I think you should mention it.

OK. What if he asks me something vague? Could that later look like i deliberately witheld? If i doht say.
We didn't really discuss most recent relationships. He was aware i was with a guy at the time, and who he was. I have a vague idea of who his last gf was. I'm avoiding the topic tbh
Don't wanna eff this up

I dont know. I don't want him to see me differently. I said I don't really care what I am but truth is I never really came to terms with that side of myself. Tbh I'd rather forget it anyway..! I just don't want him to change his view of me

I think it would be weird if over the course of a relationship it didn’t reveal itself but that’s not the same as sitting someone down and saying “ I have something to tell you…” like it’s a big dramatic piece of information. So I suppose if you have good conversations and are putting the world to rights it’s possibly the time to mention it. “ You know I used to date Jessica right ?” Just proceed as if it’s an entirely natural thing…. Which it is.

Argh. I'll just carry on seeing how it goes I suppose. 😣
Thanks all for replies x

Why on earth would this be an issue?

Are you worried he might be homophobic?

I'm just worried rhat he won't like it.
or, that his view of me will change.
He is really lovely and caring. I don't think he will be. I just really don't want to say anything but I'm just worried that he'll find out.
I dont want to say it because j don't like saying it about myself. It feels like a can of worms or something. I think I am homophobic at myself tbh.
I just feel awkward about it

Just stay in the moment. If it get serious and comes up then it come up. If he has sincere feelings he won't care about your past. I've had relationships with bi women. It's never bothered me.

How would you feel if he kept something from you? Men are expected to be totally honest and not hide anything so women shoild too

What the fuck has it got to do with him who you've dated before?

If you think you are homophobic, shouldn't that be the thing you disclose to him?

I wouldn’t.
He’ll only ask if he can watch.

It's a bit confusing how you see that side of yourself. You say you haven't accepted it, is that because you don't want to see yourself as bisexual, or is it because those experiences were more like "experiments" but not the real you?

If you don't think you're attracted to women anymore, or maybe weren't really in the first place, then you could mention that you experimented but that's in the past.

But if you still are sometimes attracted to women or think you might be, I'd tell him, and maybe try to resolve/accept those feelings in yourself.

If you mention it he will want a threesome. He will constantly ask you if you fancy random women he sees. Introduce him to a woman friend and he will want to know if you ever got it on. It's bloody tedious and will never stop. I'm telling you 'cos I know.

Your past is yours. He hasn't any right to know about past relationships unless there's a health issue a sexual partner needs to know. Privacy does matter and I'm a firm believer in keeping yourself private as much as possible . . .

I don’t think that telling him about your past is the issue here. Everyone has a past and that’s your business not his. The bigger problem is that you’re not sure what sexuality you are. If you keep hiding your true self or haven’t worked it out yet, there’s a real risk that at some point you will and may realise that you’re gay. At which point you’ll probably leave him, completely blindsided.
How would you feel if he’d had gay relationships and then told you he was leaving you for a man?
I think you need to spend some time exploring who you are so you don’t lead him on. Seeing him casually in the meantime shouldn’t be a problem, but you should try and work it out whether you’re actually gay before it becomes serious. Bi is less of an issue.
Whoever you find attractive, it’s ok. You sound like a harsher critic of yourself than other people will be.

I dated a girl when I was 17.
i told my mother i wasnt straigthh and she shunned me for I don't remember how long but it was not nice.
I feel bad still to this day because I remember thinking "I can not be a lesbian" so I just ghosted the girl and I know she is a lesbian now and I feel that I was made to feel bad about it, and possibly I made her feel bad about it.
When I've dated a woman I can't hold hands in public or anything because I feel too conscious. I can't relax so I break it off.
I'm not a lesbian though. I do like guys.
I dont like actually speaking all this out loud. So Im scared of him asking questions or whatever.
I dont even like writing this right now, i didn't expect people to probe further j thought people would just have an opinion on what I should so.
It has madd me reflect though, thank you.
I Have decided not to say anything right now

This is also what I'm scared of him thinking though.
I'm not gay, I wouldn't do that to a guy.
I was really heartbroken when my last relationship didn't work out, and he was a guy

Thank you though, your last point is what I try to tell myself

This is really sad to read. It sounds like your mother’s homophobia has had a huge impact on how you feel about yourself and you’re left with this internalised homophobia. Being bi - or even having dated women in the past but now feeling more drawn towards men and not wanting to label yourself - is a complete non issue. That said, I wonder if there is a small part of you that thinks (or fears?) that you are a lesbian, but you just never felt that it was permitted to pursue that.

I couldn’t handle dealing with someone as anxiety ridden as this. You’re obviously not gay 🙄 soon you’ll be 40 and miss out on ever having kids because you let your mind be scrambled by all this modern sexuality drivel. This might be a great chance for a life partner, stop self sabotaging.

It sounds like you’ve had some confusion and issues around your sexuality. I don’t think this is uncommon and I certainly don’t think it’s something you need to discuss with a new partner. Being shunned, feeling shame, not being sure - it’s all quite personal and deep, and I’d only want to approach this with someone I felt very sure about and secure with, if at all. You don’t need questions or judgement about something sensitive like this from a man you don’t really know yet.

I think it’s different if you are secure in your sexuality. I’d want to know if a potential new man was bisexual because I’m not sure if I’d want a relationship with a bisexual man. People who think this is ‘homophobic’ miss the point. I prefer heterosexual men and would only consider a serious relationship with one. A guy that had some teen same-sex experiences or experimented in his youth? No biggie and none of my business! A man that has sex with other men? Absolutely fine but not for me.