To Wonder About Disclosing Past To New Guy I'm Dating

[NiceOutfitFeelGood]

I'm 38, a woman. Started dating a 36 year old guy who I've known a long time, but have not been that close to him before. We are in the same social circle but I have my own social circles separatel too. I am on the outskirts of our mutual group, you could say.

Anyway, I've started dating him. Still very new, about 2 months in now. We are getting on so nicely and seeing each other regularly. I don't want to tempt fate but... its nice. Really nice.

Anyway. I don't know if I'm straight, gay, or what. Whatever, i dont care. My last relationship was for several years with a guy. But, in my past I have dated / been with other girls a couple of times.

Do I need to mention this to new guy? I'm slightly fretting about this. I don't really want to say anything tbh. But I'm worried someone else might say something further down the line, if we work out, and what then? He might feel stupjd/hurt that I didn't tell him. Would he have the right to be?

It's just annoying because I don't see it as relevant and it's not like I'd be fretting about telling him about guys Ive been with before.

Do I mention it or not?

But it's entirely different- male on male sex is at a higher risk of hiv which isn't the case between two women. A female sexual partner of a man who has sex with men, or who has had sex with men in the past is at higher risk of hiv. So the two issues are entirely different.

Fwiw my DP described himself as 75% straight when we met! I would have said before this that I wouldn’t date a bisexual man, but his openness and honesty - not just about this but EVERYTHING - is so refreshing and I know that he loves me and fancies the pants off me, so I’m not concerned that somehow his sexuality makes him more likely to cheat.

I would suggest you talk about it, not in a big “I have something I need to tell you” way, but more of a “how did your parents fuck you up?” way! Your mum’s reaction seems very much at the root of your own feelings about same sex relationships. Therapy may help, but if you are convinced that your partner could be a great match for you, there’s no need to ‘come to terms’ with your feelings about your previous girlfriends, you just need to accept yourself as you are now, with all the feelings that entails for your DP and your life together.

I agree with the latter sentiment.

I’d be fairly pissed off if I was dating a man in his late 30s who “didn’t know” if he was gay or straight “or what “ and didn’t tell me . I’d feel like I was being strung along if he didn’t even know if he was straight frankly . Being bisexual or whatever is one thing , being unsure is another

Just tell him OP or you're always going to be in fear. Your mum really did a number on you by shunning you but you can't live in fear forever. Just own it and if he doesn't like it then it's better to find out early on that he's not the one for you.

Honesty and communication are key in a relationship, trying to hold on to him by avoiding talking about your past is not a long term plan. He might not want to be with someone who is bi or he might not give two hoots - but you won't know till you tell him.

Personally, I'd tell him in the basis that it's playing on your mind. I.e. "I really like you and although it's probably not a big deal, I want to be open with you and tell you that blah blah blah".

If you're going to be serious with him, you should just tell him when things are worrying you.

I'm not sure here.

Are you attracted to him? If yes, it's probable that you are just bi.

The social acceptance of bi sexuality in men and women differs.
Many women wouldn't like to partner with bi-sexual man (and would consider bad if he didn't disclose it), many men wouldn't mind bi-sexual woman (and wouldn't care that much that they weren't told).

Have you been through the Bi Thread in the Sex section. There are some Bi threads in Relationships.
Can you consider those and dump the Woman2Woman idea? Or might you merely Default to Straight and have a question mark over your own feelings in the future.

Yes of course I am attracted to him. I get butterflies from just him hugging me.

I dont think I'm bi. I Dont wanna call myself anything really. I just like who I like and right now I like him. I don't go through life checking people out or anything

I feel like some comments here have made me definitely not want to say anything tbh

I was never really wondering what I am. I just was thinking whetger i should say something to him or not, thats all. I dont feel confused about the fact that i like him.

My last relationship was for several years with a guy. But, in my past I have dated / been with other girls a couple of times.

Were they actual relationships or just exploratory flings? I don't think anyone cares these days, to be frank. Men are so accustomed to women going through a phase of being gay or bi, it's extremely common now and barely raises an eyebrow. I think it's becoming a bit of a rite of passage.

Just because you've got it on with a couple of women in the past doesn't make you gay. But like you say, you don't know and don't care either way. It seems you want actual relationships with men. There is absolutely no need to tell him if these people were not serious partners for any length of time. They are not likely to pop in in conversation within your social crowd, so I don't see a need to mention them any more than you need to list every man you've ever been briefly involved with. But if you did tell him he'd probably just shrug.

Surely this is something to weave into the conversation when the time feels right rather than A Big Conversation?

Well you're with him now, so at the moment you're straight. It's only been 2 months. Unless he or you want to take things further to a longterm relationship I see no point in telling him. Also, you don't sound sure yourself, so what exactly are you telling him. "Er, I'm not sure if I'm gay. I don't seem to be at the moment. What do you think?"

Many women wouldn't like to partner with bi-sexual man (and would consider bad if he didn't disclose it), many men wouldn't mind bi-sexual woman (and wouldn't care that much that they weren't told).

I think that's probably pretty accurate. But I don't think many men get together sexually with other men as some sort of phase or experiment, then ditch them completely a year or two later to return to being straight. And I don't think that many men identify as bi. In my observation and experience it's something quite a few young women do do these days.

If a man is sleeping with other men then he is almost certainly gay. Properly gay. Not bi. Not just playing at being gay and trying it out for size. Women instinctively know this and don't want to invest their time and emotions in a man who has previously been in relationships with men, only to be left for another man a few years down the line when they've got children and a mortgage with that person.

If a girl who has been straight decides she's gay for a while then decides she was just bi or bi-curious and reverts to dating men, I don't think men have that same level of suspicion around that. I think a lot of women these days would be equally happy in a relationship with someone of either sex, it's just a question of which person is their forever person.

I would certainly want to know if I was dating someone bisexual

I’m sad you feel that way about yourself, being bi or exploring your sexuality is not something to be ashamed of.

I would probably say something especially if it’s getting serious or there’s a conversation about ex partners or prev relationships, id worry if I said nothing I’d be worried it might come up from somewhere else? I wouldn’t have felt differently about my now DH if he had dated a guy but if he had waited years to tell me or had hidden it that would have been the bigger issue.

Maybe let him know you’re homophobic? That would put me off a new partner, could be argued he has a right to know.

If a man I was dating had been with another man, I’d want to know.

Personally I wouldn't make an issue of it. If a conversation about past relationships comes up naturally then of course mention you've dated women, but I feel that sitting him down and making it into a big issue from the start is a bad idea. It makes it sound like you're expecting him to react badly, which if he's that kind of guy will feel like an invitation to do so. Treat it like no big deal because it really isn't.

I'd probably find a way to bring it up, but only to know early on if he's a "can I watch" or suggests a threesome type. I wouldn't want to get too invested in someone who turns out to be a tosser.

What a very dated view. I know of one bloke (now in his 50’s) who told me he experimented with his male friend at uni but ultimately decided he was straight and is now happily married with kids. Also have you heard stories about what happens in private boys boarding schools or prisons, not all of them are gay.

It's an interesting one. Firstly it's awful what your own Mum said & made you feel, I couldn't care less what sexuality my kids are, surely any parent should just just want their kids happiness? Heck given what arseholes so many blokes can be I'd totally understand if my daughters were gay.

I'm a Dad so for a male view amongst the female views above, I think 99% of men wouldn't have any issues that you've dated women, but as said previously I think it would be quite the opposite & threesomes suggestions & wanting to know all about the ins & outs of lesbian sex stuff would be far far more likely.

I think younger me would have found it an incredible turn on tbh.