To Wonder About Disclosing Past To New Guy I'm Dating

[NiceOutfitFeelGood]

I'm 38, a woman. Started dating a 36 year old guy who I've known a long time, but have not been that close to him before. We are in the same social circle but I have my own social circles separatel too. I am on the outskirts of our mutual group, you could say.

Anyway, I've started dating him. Still very new, about 2 months in now. We are getting on so nicely and seeing each other regularly. I don't want to tempt fate but... its nice. Really nice.

Anyway. I don't know if I'm straight, gay, or what. Whatever, i dont care. My last relationship was for several years with a guy. But, in my past I have dated / been with other girls a couple of times.

Do I need to mention this to new guy? I'm slightly fretting about this. I don't really want to say anything tbh. But I'm worried someone else might say something further down the line, if we work out, and what then? He might feel stupjd/hurt that I didn't tell him. Would he have the right to be?

It's just annoying because I don't see it as relevant and it's not like I'd be fretting about telling him about guys Ive been with before.

Do I mention it or not?

I'm worried that saying, or not saying, could sabotage.
I dont really want yo have kids. Largely because I think it would make me too anxious...!

Deal with the shame you're feeling. This is something you need to get comfortable with. Talk it through with a therapist.

I'm just worried rhat he won't like it. Anyone that doesn't is not the one for you.

It wouldnt be irrelevant to me. I would tell him.

Honestly, I would get some therapy if I were you. You don't sound like you should be in a relationship with anyone until you can sort out your feelings about yourself!

I think you should tell him. Some people only want to date straight people, some won’t care. I wouldn’t have dated a bisexual person but then I’d always ask, so maybe if he cared, he’d have asked? As you knew him already, maybe he knows anyway. If you tell him and he doesn’t want to date you then he wasn’t the one for you anyway.

Wrong. On every level.

Thank you all. I will consider what's been said. Got to go to work now

oh so you’re also a homophobe. Weird that you feel comfortable announcing that publicly.

Yoir past is yoir biz no one elses.
What would it matter anyway except sprry to be blunt usually a guys ideal that you are bi.
If he finds out he finds out, doesnt it really matter.
Nothong to screw up either...learn to think...tale me as I am.

I’d not be too happy if I was told months later that a bloke I was seeing had had a relationship with another man. I’d not have a relationship knowing my partner was not heterosexual and would feel pissed off I hadn’t been given the opportunity to finish things

If it comes up say it was a long time ago and you were young and confused. I don't think it's homophobic to realise you are not gay, it's just what you are.

Oh so you’re a child who hasn’t learned to immediately hurl names at someone with different opinions. Odd you’re so willing to behave this way in public.

No. Let sleeping dogs lie. The only way in which this past could be relevant is if you think you may still like to be with a woman in which case how does this help this relationship?

If I was 2 months in with a man who said he’d slept with men I’d run for the hills because to me that would indicate someone really quite mixed up and I’d be concerned about how stable and committed our relationship would be.

When I met my husband and wanted to have the “exes” conversation he said “I will talk about it if you want to but I don’t want to, it’s not relevant.” Actually it was just a massive relief to keep the past in the past and focus on the future. It was such a mature, refreshing attitude and it worked really well for us. Over the years of course some things have leaked out but it just hasn’t been impirtwnt to our relationship, which is great.

Male on male is different than female on female mainly because of HIV transmission. Men are less likely to be open to experimentation when young. It’s a bigger deal for multiple reasons if a man had homosexual tendencies in the past. It would be less likely to be a phase or a whim. It’s not the same.

I don’t know what fundamentalist Christian right rock you came from under but this alarmist bigotry is helping no one. Sexualities aren’t a modern social construct. Alexander the Great was a famous bisexual and I’m pretty sure the internet hadn’t been invented when he was alive. OP might not even want kids so I’m not sure why you keep going on about that either.

Why though? If it changes his view, he is not for you. Better to find out now than in the future when you're in too deep.

It would put me off more if I discovered a partner had concealed this than the fact itself. If you think it's so irrelevant, why are you giving so much thought to it...?

There are such double standards about this on mumsnet, if a woman had posted it say she was in a relationship and the man hadn't disclosed past sexual relationships with another man there would be uproar.

It sounds pretty certain that you are bisexual op and that's fine. Personally I think our sexuality is a huge part of who we are and I wouldn't want to be with someone where I felt I ought to keep that to myself.

If I was dating a man and he had dated men before I would want to know.

I agree with previous poster, you should get therapy. You may or may not be bi, straight or pan. You appear to be attracted to both male and female having dated more than one of each in the past, but your mothers homophobic reaction has caused you problems, because she’s instilled in you that it is shameful. You need to start loving all sides of yourself and be confident in who you are. Also another pp mentioned that if he is an immature bloke, he will suggest threesomes, constantly question who you fancy etc, in which case, you know he’s probably not for you. It may be beneficial to know what your sexuality if you want to label it for peace of mind. You can be bi but predominantly fancy men but attracted to the odd women. Firstly though, you need to work through your mother’s grip on you.

There would only be uproar about a man because a lot of people on here are bi/homophobic. I’d give the exact same advice to a man, that it doesn’t matter (and anyone who thinks it does is not the right person for you) but that it’s a shame they feel so uncomfortable and ashamed about their sexuality and that’s worth exploring. I don’t think anyone is obliged to disclose details of their past relationships to a new partner, regardless of whether they were same or opposite sex relationships. What they’ve done in the past isn’t anyone’s business.

I say this with kindness but someone who has had sexual relationships with women is not someone who was "young and confused", that's someone who has some degree of attraction to women. I can't imagine people saying that about a man who has sex with other men when younger "oh he was just confused, he's 100% straight now".

Now op you may genuinely have a much stronger preference for men these days, no problem, but I think you need to do some work around your sexual identity - there's definitely some level of bisexuality if you were attracted enough to women to have sex with them. You don't need to change your current preferences, it's just about knowing and accepting who you are and what your identity is.

I agree with @LondonKara - if you dated women, that was presumably because you wanted to date women. It sounds like there is bisexuality in your make-up but i think that many women have bisexuality in their make-up and that is completely fine. I’ve never dated a woman and generally don’t fancy women but just occasionally i’ll feel a sexual attraction to a woman. I have various friends who have dated women but who have settled down with men. They’re very relaxed about it. This is about accepting that side of yourself rather than shunning it and running scared of it.

It’s so sad because you clearly carry a great deal of misplaced shame about this. Your mother’s behaviour was awful (and I’ve reported Applewisp’s homophobic applauding of your mother’s cruelty and hope it gets deleted). This is what has made you fearful of your current BF rejecting you. If he rejects you for this, then he’s not the man for you but it seems unlikely he will.

That said, it’s completely up to you if you tell him. I think telling him will probably put your mind at rest that this part of your history is irrelevant to him. But you’re under no obligation to do so. If you don’t and it comes up, i suggest being blasé about it as someone has suggested upthread.

No don't bother
Just enjoy your time together.

It’s the sort of information that should come out naturally, through a sharing conversation.
I wouldn’t force it, but be ready to tell him when it comes up.