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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband’s constant noise at home?

72 replies

CareBearClaire · 10/07/2026 22:48

Is It just me or would this annoy you? I’m perimenopausal so I’m prepared to be told it’s me being overly sensitive.

My DH is literally driving me insane. He makes so much noise. ALL. THE. TIME.

He coughs constantly, a loud hacking cough - it gets right on my nerves. There’s no serious cause (and I’m sure about that) and it’s been going on for years. It shatters my peace and cuts right through silence every time he does it (hundreds of times a day). Totally gets my back up and causes me stress.

He sneezes so loud you would hear him at the end of the street. Not once, twice, three times, but over and over and he tries to make himself sneeze so it goes on as long as he can make it (God knows why).

He picks at his skin constantly - fingers, nails, feet - it ‘clicks’ and the sofa vibrates every time he does it and he gets annoyed when I ask him to stop.

He plays music of his own choice from the minute he wakes up till the minute he goes to bed at night. Never asks what I might like to listen to. He can’t function without it.

If he’s in the kitchen, the drawers bang when he opens and closes them, the cupboards bang the same, the music blares whilst he does it.

He talks loudly all the time, even when I talk to him about things, he pretty much shouts back - he cannot speak quietly.

The noise he makes, puts me on edge every single day. It also doesn’t help that if I ask him to make less noise, he moans and gets huffy and is a fecking pain, as if I’m asking him to poke his own eyes out.

I’m pretty sure he has undiagnosed ADHD but he’ll not do anything about that (not that that would be a reason for everything of course).

I can no longer sleep beside him because he also snores so loudly - if he falls asleep on the sofa in the lounge, I either can’t get to sleep upstairs in bed or he’ll wake me up. He also twitches in his sleep, which makes that all worse too.

I’m absolutely demented and totally worn out with it all. AIBU and is that just normal generally and I’m being intolerant or would that drive you nuts too?

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 10/07/2026 22:58

I divorced mine and what pushed me to do that was when I realised I was flinching every time he slammed the door or stomped around. I was hyperaware of hearing his key in the door and I realised I was reacting as an abused woman and that is not okay. I live a very peaceful life now and I've even stopped reacting when hearing the new neighbours slamming their car doors.

If he won't modify his noise but he's a decent guy in the rest of your relationship then I highly recommend a couples counsellor to help you get back on track. Otherwise seriously consider your options as he'll get noiser as he gets older and deafer 😬

CareBearClaire · 10/07/2026 23:01

LittleGreenDragons · 10/07/2026 22:58

I divorced mine and what pushed me to do that was when I realised I was flinching every time he slammed the door or stomped around. I was hyperaware of hearing his key in the door and I realised I was reacting as an abused woman and that is not okay. I live a very peaceful life now and I've even stopped reacting when hearing the new neighbours slamming their car doors.

If he won't modify his noise but he's a decent guy in the rest of your relationship then I highly recommend a couples counsellor to help you get back on track. Otherwise seriously consider your options as he'll get noiser as he gets older and deafer 😬

Thanks - I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through this and glad you’ve found peace. I’m seriously thinking of doing the same as I feel the noise is having a seriously detrimental effect on my health and wellbeing. I also feel that his responses when I bring it up are bordering on abusive - they are certainly loud and argumentative. Thanks for sharing.

OP posts:
WelshRabBite · 10/07/2026 23:05

He sounds like the type of man who’ll say “the divorce came out of nowhere” when you’ve been trying to speak to him about the issues in your marriage for years but he’s ignored you/shouted you down every time.

If you still love him you could stay married but just live in different houses, but I have to say it sounds like a horrible way to live.

Stelladid · 10/07/2026 23:07

YANBU it’s not normal and you are not just being intolerant.

CareBearClaire · 10/07/2026 23:07

WelshRabBite · 10/07/2026 23:05

He sounds like the type of man who’ll say “the divorce came out of nowhere” when you’ve been trying to speak to him about the issues in your marriage for years but he’s ignored you/shouted you down every time.

If you still love him you could stay married but just live in different houses, but I have to say it sounds like a horrible way to live.

Yeah that’s the conclusion I’m coming to, thanks.

OP posts:
HumberSquid · 11/07/2026 07:22

Honestly, its you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't divorce but you're sensitised to his very existence.

millymollymoomoo · 11/07/2026 07:25

The constant music alone would. Enough for me to be out the door

no way could I live with someone like this

Cel77 · 11/07/2026 07:26

HumberSquid · 11/07/2026 07:22

Honestly, its you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't divorce but you're sensitised to his very existence.

It's definitely not her.

IsYourTableClothed · 11/07/2026 07:26

Men are so loud in general. Everything they do is fucking loud. YANBU. He should at least wear headphones if you don't want to listen to his music all day.

HumberSquid · 11/07/2026 07:28

Cel77 · 11/07/2026 07:26

It's definitely not her.

That's your opinion. I imagine he's much as he always was. Don't underestimate the powers of peri menopause to move your bar.

EmeraldRoulette · 11/07/2026 07:41

I couldn't even be in an office with that guy

And it's not you. I am exceptionally sensitive and I actually asked my parents to be quiet when I was a teenager 😂

So maybe I'm not the best person to ask

But honestly, someone who tries to make themselves sneeze and doesn't use headphones for their music is not considerate of your feelings.

this is absolutely not something I could live with. It sounds horrendous.

editing to add - as someone who has always lived in flats, people who can't even close the cupboard door without making a racket -fuck sake. What is that about? And what the hell state are their cupboard doors in?!

lottiegarbanzo · 11/07/2026 08:01

I wouldn’t be able to live with this but wouldn’t have chosen someone so exuberant to start with. I’ve always known this about myself.

Maybe one or both of you have changed, people do get more settled and unapologetic in their ways. But so what? Past decisions don’t commit you to an unalterable path. If the current situation doesn’t suit you, change it.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2026 08:11

Oh op, this sounds horrible. I would absolutely divorce over this. My home is my sanctuary, my bliss, my peace. I look forward to getting in to it all the time, even if I’m on holiday. I’m single.
I absolutely couldn’t stand what you describe even if I really really liked him. Which I don’t think I would as you have described deeply selfish behaviour, and arrogant dismissal of you if you question it.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2026 08:14

HumberSquid · 11/07/2026 07:22

Honestly, its you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't divorce but you're sensitised to his very existence.

What?!? The op hasn’t described ‘normal’ house noise for someone she just has the ick for! She has described incessant noise from the moment he wakes up.

LoftyPlumLion · 11/07/2026 08:20

On face value it's clearly his fault, and I think courts would probably sympathise if you murdered him, but the sentence that makes me think you have locked yourself into a spiral pi f criticism is him playing music "of his own choice"

That sentence made me wonder whether you had lost perspective and were looping round in your own head which more often than not leads to negativity and radicalisation.

You could try having an emotionally intelligent conversation with him, coming from a place of humility and don't immediately assume it's all his fault (your post definitely acknowledges this possibility).

I hope you can work it out.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 11/07/2026 08:22

Mine is like this. Absolutely no concept of doing things in a controlled or restrained way so that things don’t bang and break.

It’s part of the neurodiversity spectrum I believe, something about needing more/stronger feedback to feel where they are.

Unfortunately I’m hyper vigilant so it’s exhausting. I’ve got noise cancelling headphones and loop ear plugs I can use.

After 30 years he started using the headphones I got him for watching tv, so I can get to sleep upstairs.

Roseonthebalcony · 11/07/2026 08:24

HumberSquid · 11/07/2026 07:22

Honestly, its you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't divorce but you're sensitised to his very existence.

REALLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY???????

Is that you husband????

midJulytarget · 11/07/2026 08:25

Going to be blunt here OP, feel free to skip past - I couldn't even be friends with someone so physically disgusting and inconsiderate. Imagine eating a meal opposite them, let alone kissing them.

It's a shame but I would definitely split up and get some peace.

Woweehooha · 11/07/2026 08:26

My husband has a seasonal hacking cough in the winter, and used to listen to music or podcasts pretty much all day out loud.
I have to accept the cough as he’s not doing it on purpose, but since Covid he uses headphones to listen to whatever he wants.
The downside is that it’s sometimes hard to engage him in conversation as he can’t hear me,
I would not be able to bear what you’re experiencing.

SoScarletItWas · 11/07/2026 08:27

IsYourTableClothed · 11/07/2026 07:26

Men are so loud in general. Everything they do is fucking loud. YANBU. He should at least wear headphones if you don't want to listen to his music all day.

Of course they’re not. Admittedly I’ve only lived with three (including my dad, a massive Welsh bear who managed to leave the house for shift work without waking anybody else up) but they can be quiet if they want to be / have any consideration at all. It’s not biology that makes their big man hands slam a door or mean their special man ears can’t wear headphones 🤣🤣

MsIceSandwich · 11/07/2026 08:30

You don't like him so everything he does annoys you. I think you're at the point of no return in your relationship.

Mycatmax · 11/07/2026 08:32

Has this behaviour come out of nowhere? Or escalated over time? How long have you been together? I ask because I wouldn’t have been able to last more than a weekend with this kind of behaviour.

You only get one precious life. Do you want to spend it with this noisy fucker?

TheBlueKoala · 11/07/2026 08:32

@CareBearClaire Mine isn't as bad as yours so I don't know how you cope. I wear ear plugs because he talks all the time. Like literally all the time. I ask him who he's talking to and he says nobody. And then he gets vexed if I don't answer him when he talks to me- but I have to zoom him out or I get crazy. He's counting fruits and vegs he has eaten per day "orange, tomato, ..no wait, orange, banana, tomato..." and he whines about collegues repeating conversations. Counting money. Anything has to be loud.

I have told him to please deal with his inner monologue internally. He tries but just gets back to it. I have read out load if I'm reading and he looks nonplussed. It's really grating on me. But we have kids so... I will stick it out with ear plugs and changing rooms.

ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 11/07/2026 08:38

My husband also needs constant noise... podcasts, music, anything from waking up to going to bed pretty much. I need quiet at times.

He bought himself some headphones for making work calls but he wears them all the time now. His last pair broke and I replaced them before the end of the day with an emegency Argos trip at 9 pm 😂

Maybe try that and see if it makes the rest a bit more bearable

He also needs to see someone about that cough

TheSoapyFrog · 11/07/2026 08:43

Tbh your husband sounds exactly like me. I do have ADHD and am medicated, but a lot of the things I'm not sure are related to it. I've always been heavy footed and heavy handed, that's just me. I sometimes sneeze a lot and I also make myself sneeze (I don't know why either, I just like it).

I pick my skin a lot as well (this is common with ADHD).

I don't have a loud voice or cough a lot though, but I guess these are just him things.

I do snore, but have just been diagnosed with sleep apnoea.

The music... this is exactly me. I am extremely intolerant of other people's music

I do think your perimenopause may be linked to your intolerance as I suspect he has always been like this. I imagine it is extremely annoying but I doubt he will change because this is just part of him and he isn't even aware. If my boyfriend lived with me and became that annoyed and wanted me to change, I would rather he left because I couldn't even if I wanted to.