AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband’s constant noise at home?

[CareBearClaire]

Is It just me or would this annoy you? I’m perimenopausal so I’m prepared to be told it’s me being overly sensitive.

My DH is literally driving me insane. He makes so much noise. ALL. THE. TIME.

He coughs constantly, a loud hacking cough - it gets right on my nerves. There’s no serious cause (and I’m sure about that) and it’s been going on for years. It shatters my peace and cuts right through silence every time he does it (hundreds of times a day). Totally gets my back up and causes me stress.

He sneezes so loud you would hear him at the end of the street. Not once, twice, three times, but over and over and he tries to make himself sneeze so it goes on as long as he can make it (God knows why).

He picks at his skin constantly - fingers, nails, feet - it ‘clicks’ and the sofa vibrates every time he does it and he gets annoyed when I ask him to stop.

He plays music of his own choice from the minute he wakes up till the minute he goes to bed at night. Never asks what I might like to listen to. He can’t function without it.

If he’s in the kitchen, the drawers bang when he opens and closes them, the cupboards bang the same, the music blares whilst he does it.

He talks loudly all the time, even when I talk to him about things, he pretty much shouts back - he cannot speak quietly.

The noise he makes, puts me on edge every single day. It also doesn’t help that if I ask him to make less noise, he moans and gets huffy and is a fecking pain, as if I’m asking him to poke his own eyes out.

I’m pretty sure he has undiagnosed ADHD but he’ll not do anything about that (not that that would be a reason for everything of course).

I can no longer sleep beside him because he also snores so loudly - if he falls asleep on the sofa in the lounge, I either can’t get to sleep upstairs in bed or he’ll wake me up. He also twitches in his sleep, which makes that all worse too.

I’m absolutely demented and totally worn out with it all. AIBU and is that just normal generally and I’m being intolerant or would that drive you nuts too?

Has he been assessed for acid reflux and sleep apnea?

The whole constant coughing and clearing throat thing is fucking irritating in itself. If it's not got a physical cause it's either for attention or because he has absolutely no fucking self awareness.

Ear-plugs?

It’s not all men. Dh is like a cat burglar I can wake up and he’s gone

Maybe OP should marry him instead then 🙄

He doesn't sound particularly awful apart from needing music 24/7. That would drive me insane. I do think perimenopause can make us highly sensitised to our environment. But, men are just louder, in general. All those things you are stating seem to be very normal to me.

My DH types loudly and WFH. I've told him that I can't stand to hear him type so he's moved into another room, out of consideration, but I appreciate that most things he does to annoy me is a shift in my perception at this dangerous time!

Sounds like he has environmental allergies. Put him on daily cetirazine and get a white noise machine for sleeping (i take cetirazine daily myself and can’t sleep without a white noise machine). He could use ear buds for music. The skin and finger picking is gross, but it could be allergy related or dehydration. Tweaks can be made in all of these areas. If he doesn’t want to make an effort then you need to reclaim your sanity with singledom.

Just reading some of these comments, I think it would be very useful as a society that we teach our children its actually really quite pleasant to be single. So many people seem to be so scared of it that they’d rather their peace be ruined every single day than entertain it as an option.

Performance coughing and sneezing. Sometimes I’ll be in the garden and hear somebody do this, about twenty houses away. They obviously don’t try to be quiet and put their hand over their mouth. I think I’d look to separate, he sounds infuriating

Haven’t read every answer but just wanted to check; has he always been like this or is it new?

I find it really bizarre and quite selfish when people can’t moderate their noises. I am loud and chatty in certain situations but I am always quiet if DC are sleeping, I am on a train etc and find people who can’t moderate their noises quite ignorant (unless additional needs, disabilities etc). I had a flatmate at uni who was like a tornado with doors, cupboards, her alarm in the morning that continued for ages and woke everyone up; she was a nightmare to live with.

What strikes me in your post is that your husband appears unwilling and/or unable to consider your needs. I would be curious to know if he can be more considerate when others are around, you have visitors, after you’ve had a particularly bad arguments etc? Which would show that he can be more considerate.

I say this as someone who separated a couple of years ago. Different issues from yours although being inconsiderate and shouting me down was part of it, and early on in the marriage we had the him
snoring me being unable to sleep issue. I was demented with it. Heard him upstairs, heard him when I was sleeping on the other side of the flat, did not sleep on several holidays which was like torture but it was his dickhead lack of caring that I couldn’t sleep that was a huge early red flag. I remember thinking so often I would never ignore someone if what I do causes them so much upset. (He eventually got one of those sleep machines which helped hugely but I was practically begging him to go to the GP).

We actually co-parent well now to the point we are currently on holiday together with DC. He is so much more considerate in general as our whole dynamic has changed due to being separated (this is a whole other thread) but my point is he can absolutely be more considerate. Which I knew all along and is evident every day on hols so why the f** could he not do it when he was my actual DH?

So sorry you’re in this situation. Your home is meant to be your safe place.

You just don't like him. Everything he does.irritates the hell out of you. The perimenopause/menopause makes you much less tolerant. I stopped cutting people slack and say what I mean now. I don't mean rude, but I say what I think now without pussyfooting around them.

Yes, exactly.

The constant music would drive me insane and I’d be sorting that out. You shouldn’t have let go on so long without a compromise

My child’s father was exactly like this.. it’s almost surreal reading this. The music was the main issue for me he couldn’t function (get dressed, shower, do anything) without music. Now I am
all for having the radio on in the background occasionally but he would play rock music so loudly in our tiny house to do anything and when my son was a baby this would drive me up the wall. Every time I mentioned it he would react with anger. I actually thought the music was making him angrier because he had to shout and couldn’t hear over the music! But no the problem was of course ME!
Everytime he left the house the door slammed and the house shook!
I mean this was the tip of the iceberg for me but no you’re not being unreasonable I live such a more peaceful life now I wouldn’t give it up for anything!

Sorry , once you start noticing these things it will (is already) drive you mad. I can’t imagine a way forward , enjoy your new life in your own lovely quiet place.

Hey. It could be a combo of adhd and you having noise sensitivity. I have adhd, asd and am super sensitive to noise. My husband is adhd and from the moment he gets up to when he goes to sleep he is “sensory seeking” he coughs, hums continuously out of tune, eats crunchy food every 15 mins, shuffles his feet, slams doors, talks loudly.

as someone with adhd also I get it, he needs the sensory stimulation to get his brain focused. But as our counselling person said he also has to be considerate. Eg he has to wear headphones for his shit music, he uses a plastic spoon so he doesnt keep banging things, he eats his 20 bowls of crunchy cereal a day in another room, he tries to cough in different rooms. He has to compromise and I also have to compromise and understand I cannot live in a silent monastery.

you need counselling to explain your sensory triggers and ge needs to make some attempt to be considerate.

he also needs meds. My husband is 80% better on meds

i also wear apple airpods pro3 on noise cancelling mode (no music) just noise cancelling around the house

if he wont do counselling or compromise divorce him life is too short.

also consider that adhd + asd people attract. You could be asd too

Also if he is snoring consider why?
it will be linked to the constant coughing

either allergies or athma are common

I made my husband take zyrtec for a month and he snores way less

we also went on the dust mite protocol to reduce must mites helps heaps

we also sleeo in separate beds if he snores

same in our house, performance sneezing, coughing, tv permanently on LOUD and left on when he leaves room/house, talks at me constantly while he’s driving so I feel like a hostage🤦‍♀️ the worst is the performance yawning which sounds like I would imagine a wolf howling would sound and once started can go on continuously for definitely 30 minutes while he’s oblivious to the sound, can be heard right at end of the garden if he’s in the house, has to be shouted at to stop ! Music volume in his car set to LOUD and heating set to HIGH for most of the year (I avoid travelling in his car )

I totally agree with @HannahSqans post. So many people seem to think that’s it’s fine if someone behaves in a way that impacts others negatively if the reason they behave like that is because of ND. No. It explains why they behave like that, about what their needs are, but they need to consider the other person too!
For the op, who hates the noise, it doesn’t matter what the root of why they make the noise is, what matters is the op hates it and the noise maker does absolutely nothing to consider her needs, only his.

I remember reading on here that when a woman’s hormones change, she suddenly finds herself living with a man such as the one you describe @CareBearClaire! Even when they breathe it’s annoying.

Soft-close fittings on all the cupboards and drawers would be a cheap fix. Plus headphones for his music.

I couldn't live with the constant coughing though! Even if there's nothing seriously wrong, there must be a cause? Has he seen an ent, or a speech and language therapist?

I feel you pain OP and to be honest it shows his lack of empathy in a way that he doesn’t try to see where you’re coming from or even try to understand. My ex used to be like this too. It’s like he had to make his presence felt: the whistling early in the morning drove me nuts. Yep I’m divorced: my new partner is very considerate and just doesn’t feel the need to make his presence felt all the time. The other morning he got up and was awake for about 3 hours and I didn’t even know as I was fast asleep - menopausal and sleep terribly so sometimes I can’t wake up in the mornings and he just got up and made coffee and did his own thing and I was asleep. Bliss and just so considerate: honestly can you see yourself with this man for the next 20-30 years….

Honestly can’t believe you haven’t added farting in there. Joking aside my DP is a bit like this and my tolerance is waning the older I get.

This situation sounds awful for you OP. I think, like a few PP have said, you're at the point of no return now. It's not going to get any better.

In the meantime, can you sleep in another room?

Or rather than LTB, you could PTB...

Patio the Bastard 🪏💀

Book him a hearing check
Book him a G P check for snoring and cough and dry skin etc.

Buy ear muffs
Fit soft closing drawers
Play your music regardless
Rent a caravan to park in driveway to give you quiet space for sleep.

Remind him that you can not hear what he is saying as he speaks too loudly.

Be serious about him seeking medical help.

Mean business. You deserve him to leave if he is not considerate.

LTB!