AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband’s constant noise at home?

[CareBearClaire]

Is It just me or would this annoy you? I’m perimenopausal so I’m prepared to be told it’s me being overly sensitive.

My DH is literally driving me insane. He makes so much noise. ALL. THE. TIME.

He coughs constantly, a loud hacking cough - it gets right on my nerves. There’s no serious cause (and I’m sure about that) and it’s been going on for years. It shatters my peace and cuts right through silence every time he does it (hundreds of times a day). Totally gets my back up and causes me stress.

He sneezes so loud you would hear him at the end of the street. Not once, twice, three times, but over and over and he tries to make himself sneeze so it goes on as long as he can make it (God knows why).

He picks at his skin constantly - fingers, nails, feet - it ‘clicks’ and the sofa vibrates every time he does it and he gets annoyed when I ask him to stop.

He plays music of his own choice from the minute he wakes up till the minute he goes to bed at night. Never asks what I might like to listen to. He can’t function without it.

If he’s in the kitchen, the drawers bang when he opens and closes them, the cupboards bang the same, the music blares whilst he does it.

He talks loudly all the time, even when I talk to him about things, he pretty much shouts back - he cannot speak quietly.

The noise he makes, puts me on edge every single day. It also doesn’t help that if I ask him to make less noise, he moans and gets huffy and is a fecking pain, as if I’m asking him to poke his own eyes out.

I’m pretty sure he has undiagnosed ADHD but he’ll not do anything about that (not that that would be a reason for everything of course).

I can no longer sleep beside him because he also snores so loudly - if he falls asleep on the sofa in the lounge, I either can’t get to sleep upstairs in bed or he’ll wake me up. He also twitches in his sleep, which makes that all worse too.

I’m absolutely demented and totally worn out with it all. AIBU and is that just normal generally and I’m being intolerant or would that drive you nuts too?

Oh FFS he sounds dreadful! 😖 I would be getting my ducks in a row, and leaving. No way would I stick another 40-50 years of this.

Mine is a bit full-on sometimes, but not even a tenth as bad as yours, and even he drives me mad some days! Some days he HAS to have some sound or other on in the background - music or TV, and if not, he's chatting shit, just drivel about nothing, and I'm like........ 🙄

He isn't like this every day, but maybe one or two days out of any given week. I manage it by using headphones, or just popping outside to sit, in our garden. (He hates being outside, so it's a good place to escape LOL.) Also, I sometimes just completely ignore him. For example - when I am on the internet or trying to read my book and he is watching TV and is giving me a running commentary of what he's watching. I'm not watching, I'm not interested. Shut the fuck up! He shuts up after about 10 minutes of being ignored. I don't routinely ignore him of course, but on occasions like this I do.

But he's nothing like your DH @CareBearClaire I couldn't stay with someone like this - sorry.

My DP always had the tv/music loud, claiming he couldn’t hear, yet when I turned it down he could hear. I think many are lazy listeners, they’re not listening just bombarding themselves with noise. Funnily enough since I’ve spoke to him he can listen at a lower volume.

This would drive me insane. I lived next door to a performative sneezer and honestly my nerves were shredded all the time. Obviously only you know what you can tolerate but I would be on a the verge of a mental breakdown. I think I have mysophonia thought as I am really sensitive to those types of noise. The music - even for 30 mins would do it for me as well.

For me the posts about what the op could do to lessen the noise (buy earphones, book him an appointment, buy soft closes for cupboards etc etc) completely miss the point and the problem.
the problem is that this a selfish inconsiderate person who doesn’t give a shiny shit that his desire to make as much noise as possible affects the op.
‘fixing’ the problem, doesn’t actually fix the problem, which is him.

Or the inconsiderate man could do all those things.

Sounds like a lot of effort just to keep some man around instead of having peace and happiness.

Yes, as so often on here, it isn't the annoying behaviour as such, its the aggressive refusal of the partner to consider the poster's feelings and comfort..V similar thread this morning about soneone whose bf was belittling and insulting the op for wanting a different bedtime from him.

My dh does annoying things like every single human does..The difference is that he would be mortified if I felt like the op here, like most of us (i assume?) he would hate to cause anyone that level of distress. So it wouldn't happen.

OMG I have a colleague like this. Her sneezes are so loud and her hiccups even louder. She never apologises, just carries on. It looks like she thinks she is quirky and cute. She does have ADHD. What a bloody attention seeker!

OP, you have my sympathy.

What I meant was, he doesn’t even choose music that he knows I would like. He never has.

I think I’ve been more tolerant before perimenopause but my patience now runs thin.

Yep I told my husband if he wants to live in a house with other humans he needs to be actively considerate of our needs. I also need to be considerate of his need for sensory stimulation. If he doesnt want to be considerate then he can live alone like his dad and behave like a bachelor

I was gearing up to talk about chronic cough and to suggest he sees an ENT and then a specialist upper airways speech therapist - but then I read all the other things he is doing.

He really never plays music you might like?? That’s horrible.

After I left my first husband I don’t think I turned on the telly for a year, it was so wonderful not having it blaring out all the time.

Either he comes on here/reddit asking about how to be less relentlessly noisy, or maybe you go on a long visit somewhere else. Give your ears a rest for a bit. Either you’ll miss him, or you’ll work out that you have changed and can’t put up with this any more.

This was my ex fiancé, I left

Sorry this is happening to you OP. It sounds horrendous. I know I wouldn't last a day with this guy. Perhaps he has reason to believe that you will never leave him and therefore carries on like the selfish jackass he is.

It sounds annoying but then living with another person is often annoying. You can be sure that if OP had posted that her husband complained every time she sneezed, coughed or played music, all the replies would be about leaving the controlling abusive bastard.

Are you autistic by chance? Sounds can sound louder to people who are neurodivergent. I get where you're coming from though. My boyfriend coughs all the time but his is down to smokers cough confirmed by tests. He also snores pretty loud, so loud I have to stick headphones on and listen to music to sleep and even then sometimes I can hear him over it. He also talks in his sleep and is generally a loud person. He is adhd. I love him to pieces though. Try and remember the reasons you love your guy. It helps to make things bareble

I’m not sure what you mean - do you mean that I’m being controlling here?

Has he always been like this? Do you think you’ve been more tolerant to it until recently? Has something about him changed?
You sound on edge and at the end of your tether. Something needs to change because it’s going to make you very unwell. Seriously discuss this with your DH but prepare yourself for him to not take you seriously. If you can see a happier, healthier life away from him then do it, life is to short to keep putting up with that behaviour.

Impossible to say from what we know. Probably not, but you can bet that’s your husband’s interpretation.

My point is that married life is made up of one person doing something annoying and another person asking them to stop doing that annoying thing. Probably neither are unreasonable but on mumsnet everyone loves to declare things controlling, selfish, abusive etc. Often it’s just people trying to live in close quarters with another person. Everyone is selfish. His playing music is selfish. Your desire for quiet is selfish.

Is your life with him worth the compromises and irritations? That’s the only question you need to answer.

We moved house quite recently and this one is quieter, so I totally understand what you mean. It's like your nervous system gets very slowly frazzled. Since we've moved my burnout symptoms are reducing and I have half as many migraines.

OP I couldn't stand this. I'm also deep in peri but I still love DH as much as ever, because he's a lovely considerate man.

I am noise sensitive and I absolutely could not stand this, op. My DH can be a bit loud, but he's nice about it if we ask him. He does not play music or do the coughing, sneezing, but he does chatter and whistle and hum. His sneezes are single, but loud. But he can be asked not to make the extra noise.

What are you going to do?

OP. You are not controlling.

OP, are you me? My DH has been like this for all of our 32 years' marriage. Coughs and blows nose and clears throat constantly, snores so you can hear him three floors away. Those things are probably medical, though the coughing seems to be partly habit. Bangs doors so the whole house shakes (the whole terraced row in fact), crashes his fork onto his plate, slurps every sip of coffee and follows it with really loud "aaaah," plays the TV at top volume so you can hear it all over the house -- some of this is hearing problems, I think (he complains he can't hear me if I'm not face-to-face), but also he very clearly has ADD. He just needs to hear himself at all times.

And though I am perimenopausal, I know this is not only me being hypersensitive: his co-workers and his parents were always nagging me to do something about it. Our grown children flinch at his noise, not scared, just that it's like living inside a hurricane.

After nearly 20 years I finally got him to the GP, who confirmed asthma and gave him two inhalers (preventer and basic). But he never remembers to use them. Won't take a sip of water or tea when his throat bothers him (the doctor has said it probably bothers him BECAUSE he's constantly forcing a cough that irritates it further...) Won't be tested for allergies to see what's setting him off. Won't get a CPAP for the snoring, even when his brother, who also snored, urges it. Doesn't think he's particularly loud. Refuses to get a hearing test. He cannot remember to be quiet and he doesn't believe in medicine.

In many ways he's a very kind guy (much nicer than me in fact!) but now that he's retired and in the house all the time I am genuinely thinking I'm going to have to separate, because I just can't take this any more. But this is absurd. Am I really going to end a 32-year-marriage because my husband cannot be quiet?

This is why I can’t imagine ever living with a man again. Constant loudness. Humming, singing, cupboard doors banging, clanging spoons in the sink, dropping the loo seat down, playing videos on the phone while Tv on loud, just sitting down loudly FFS. Snoring, farting, sniffing, Who has to FLOP down on the sofa or the bed?! Why?!! I feel stressed just thinking about it.

He has ADHD.